Friday January 4, 2013
My darlings Shelby and Dalton,
Today is right up there in the top 5 worst days of my life. This is not how I should be celebrating your first birthday, sitting here on the sofa, completely alone with my tears. I have cried on and off for the better part of the day. Your daddy is hiding in the bed with his head under the pillows. I know we grieve differently, and I respect that, but I'm so alone, for me it makes the pain of not having you with me even that much more unbearable.
I would go out for a drive, but I don't feel I am stable enough that I should be behind the wheel of a car right now. I could just see, the officer would pull me over and I would probably display such rage I would be locked away for sure.
Your Aunt Manda and Aunt Kelli both called me today. Your Uncle Don and Aunt Cristina called each your daddy and I. Uncle Ryan and Aunt Violet called us too. I got a beautiful text from Chloe's momma, and she made a lovely post on my facebook page. I think perhaps your hands and hearts guided her with what to say. Aunt Leah texted me. I also heard from Anaiah, Janiah and Nasiah's mom. Abram's mom gave me a little angel and a lovely card when we had lunch on Wednesday.
I know I was harsh to your daddy at the beginning of today's entry. I don't mean to be, I just don't know how to be with him today. He gave me an amazing gift for your birthday, he bought me a brick for the new Baylor football stadium. It touched me and now I just have to select the perfect verse to immortalize y'all. It truly couldn't have been more special, he knows what Baylor means to me and he knows how I have always loved football. Since the days when I was barely walking, I used to watch football with your grandpa Joe and great-grandpa Stanley.
Babies, we are twenty minutes away from the exact time of your birth. I must go and feed your canine siblings, as your brother Ike is pacing through the family room and crying for his dinner. Then, I will go crawl in the bed next to your daddy and somehow try to comfort him.
I look forward to the day when we can celebrate your birthdays again together. All my love.
Momma
