"Aunt" Manda's Birthday

Wednesday June 27, 2012

Hey baby kiddos,

Today is your Aunt Manda's 44th birthday.  She is the reason your Daddy and I met, she likes to brag she "chaperoned" our first date, the late showing of Cirque de Soleil's "O" at Bellagio in Las Vegas. As soon as she heard about you, she went out and bought you little Baylor onesies, cause she knows how much of a Baylor girl I am.  They are one of the few gifts I kept for you.  They were so tiny, size 0-3 months, and probably would have been the outfits I dressed you in to come home, assuming you waited until April to arrive, and we got to bring you home.  The Baylor onesies, teddy bears from Granpda Larry and Grandma Kay, and the stuffed black Labs from Uncle Bill and Aunt Adrienne.  Everyone was so excited to meet you, I can't stand that other than your grandparents, daddy and I never got to introduce to any of our friends and family. 

When you died Dalton, and the hospital asked us if we had any clothes we wanted to place you in, I asked your Daddy if he thought we should go home and get the Baylor onesie.  He said no, because it would have been gigantically oversized on you, even though it was the tiniest size they made.  So, I didn't even get to outfit you, not even once.  I'm grateful to the hospital for providing a little outfit for you, but it was so not in our style.  I know that sounds ridiculous to care about clothing, but for some reason, in my mind, our not having your "own" clothes to dress you in on that hideous morning just represents one more failure.  And Shelby, baby girl, your little outfit was even more unstylish.  It didn't matter though, I'd have happily dressed you in purple and yellow polyester if it meant you were still with us.

My soul aches missing you both.

Another day

Tuesday June 26, 2012

Dearest Shelby and Dalton,

Today was a hard day.  I don’t know why, but I just feel so hateful and angry.  I know you wouldn’t want your momma feeling like this.  I see so many things that make me go on rants.  I’m jealous of everyone with babies.  I looked at all the pictures your auntie got to post on stupid facebook of your cousin and I just felt such jealousy.  I hear about a boy aged 10, he’s one of 8 children (yes 8), he doesn’t know his biological father, his mother is “as big as a house” to quote our friend.  This woman just keeps pumping out the children, and her new husband drinks a lot and is possibly verbally abusive to these 8 children.  My heart hurts for this boy, I wish he had a better family environment.  There’s women every day who are getting knocked up without being married and they get to celebrate at baby showers.  Yes, I’m bitter.  Yet you two were taken from us.  There is no justice in this world.   

You probably are making friends with another angel baby, Nasiah Lynn.  She was the third daughter of Jaime and Vernon, and also their third angel.  They used the same doctor we did with their twin girls and again with Nasiah.  That scares the hell out of me.  I think about it all the time, the fear that would accompany another pregnancy.  Even if we were successful, any other children would never replace you.  They would know all about their big sister Shelby and their big brother Dalton.  Everyone loved your names.  One of my friends told me when she heard those names, she said they sounded exactly like something I would pick.

Our Rangers beat the Detroit Tigers today, 7-5.  For the last few times I’ve watched baseball, excluding this game, all the pitchers have been lefties.  Dalton, although you never held a baseball, judging from the way you waved that left arm around in your few short days with us, I was convinced you had inherited left-handedness from your Daddy and your Grandpa (my Daddy and your namesake).  I knew you were going to excel at athletics.  If it was baseball, either as a much-in-demand left handed pitcher, a catcher (as catchers usually tend to be big ol’ boys, plus your daddy was a catcher in Little League) or a shortstop (my maternal grandpa was a short stop in a semi-pro league back in the 1920s and 30s).  If it was football, probably a long snapper (they have excellent lengthy careers) or maybe a defensive lineman, if you had my daddy’s height, my fiery explosive temper and your daddy’s broad shoulders.  Your Uncle Bill was an offensive linemen in that semi-pro league up in Montana and he had our Houston Texans recruiting him.  Wouldn’t that have been something?  But he chose to stay in the Air Force. 

Shelby, I hope all this talk of baseball and football isn’t boring you.  I like to think you would have been as interested in sports as your Momma and Daddy are.  I’ve been accused of being “high-maintenance”, and I know I would have passed a few of those tendencies on to you, but I also would have been delighted to take you to football baseball and hockey games.  Of course, your Larry Fitzgerald Cardinals jersey would have been pink with rhinestones on it – no better way to combine those fashionista habits with our tomboy ways.

I asked your Daddy the other day if he thinks that when we all meet up again in heaven, if you’ll be babies like the last time we saw you, or if you will be all grown up, perhaps age 35 (assuming we’re inhabiting this earth for that long)?  Of course, there was no way for your  Daddy to answer that question, for although he’s the smartest man I know, he can’t research how Heaven works.

This week is hard on your daddy too.  He's in Texas for work.  We were so excited to take the two of you to Texas, and oh so many other places.  He just told me he's lonely and missing his babies.  That broke my heart.  If you could see fit to give him some little sign to say hello, that would be wonderful.  It's killing us babies.  I think we're trying to picture you as 6month olds, as you would be reaching that milestone next Wednesday.  Then, we also are thinking of you as 8 week olds, which is how old you would have been had you been born on your original due date.  

Your momma and daddy love and miss you.

Your 2-month birthday

Monday June 25, 2012

My dearest Shelby and Dalton,

Today is the day that SHOULD have been your 2-month birthday, according to my original due date.  It also marks the 5 month and 3 week anniversary that you both entered the world.  However, all our plans were not meant to be, we live in "shoulds" and "what ifs", instead of the constant state of exhaustion so typical to new parents.  Today, instead of waking up and feeding you and spending the day with you, I packed your daddy for his business trip to Texas, took him to the airport and went to a session with my therapist.  Prior to January, I had never imagined I would ever need a therapist for anything, not me, "I'm a tough Texian" (to quote Elizabeth Taylor in Giant, one of my favorite movies).  No ma'am & sir, Italians don't need therapy, especially not fiesty Texas girl Italian Scorpios like your momma.  Well, you changed all that babies.  You rocked your daddy's and my world with your dramatic and all too early entrance in to this world, and sadly, your way too soon exit from this world.

I'm starting this blog today with inspiration from my wonderful sister-in-grief (SIG) Nikki, who lost her precious Chloe to CMV.  Chloe was stillborn 3 weeks after the two of you made your entrance in to this world, so today is her 5 month angelversary.  I know you both have met Chloe, her momma and I have had a few conversations about the three of you playing together in heaven.  I think you had a hand in bringing us together so that we wouldn't have to walk this grief journey alone.  Dalton, when you died at 3 1/2 days old, the NICU staff gave us info on support groups.  We were determined to stay strong for our Shelby, but when you left us 4 1/2 days later, we knew we needed help.  We decided to investigate the MISS Foundation  We soon joined the online forums of MISS, and it is there that I connected with Nikki.  She posted about the things they did for Chloe's memorial service.  I replied to her post and soon we were lighting up the PM feature, sending each other long messages, feeling like we'd known each other our whole lives.  The funny thing is we live in Arizona and Chloe's parents are all the way up in Alaska.  As Nikki said, we have a "bondship".

I can't believe that almost 6 months have passed since you entered our lives.  There's so many statements we make that start with "I can't believe...."  I can't believe we never bought one single thing for you.  As much as I love to shop and plan, we never did any of this.  I've sadly bought more things for you since your death than I did before you were born.  The only reason I had a baby shower at work was because our office was closing at the end of the year and my friends wanted to give you gifts before we all scattered.  I can't believe I only got to 24 weeks with you.  I can't believe that save for daily bouts of nausea, the first 20 weeks were uneventful.  I can't believe at 20 weeks and 5 days everything was perfect then at 22 weeks and 6 days I was put in the hospital in pre-term labor.  I can't believe we will never know what color your eyes would have been.  I'm guessing blue or blue/green, as your daddy and I both have blue eyes, 3 of your 4 grandparents are either blue or green eyed as well.

My precious angels, I am ending this post for now, even though I could write for many hours, your fur siblings are crying to get in the pool for their daily exercise.  I wish you were here to see them.  I know their antics would make you laugh.  Your daredevil Lab/Dane sister Abby likes to jump off the edge and catch her duck midair before making a giant splash.  Your goofy but sensitive Dane brother Ike is more mellow, but oh so protective of his yellow duck.  He only moves quickly through the water when Daddy pretends to "chase" him.

Your momma loves and misses you.