Happy 6 month and 3 week birthday Shelby and Dalton.
Or, happy 3 month birthday, according to what was your estimated due date. I know I'm probably way obsessed with each week. I think back to when I was pregnant with you and counting off each week. What I would give to have made it to 37 weeks with you, which would have put your birthday on April 4. Wednesdays are hard for me, as are Sundays and Thursdays. I was watching the "new" Dallas on TV tonight, the character Christopher Ewing just found out his wife is 9 weeks pregnant with twins. Was that y'all saying "hi"? Seems like I keep hearing about more twins, everywhere I look, everywhere I go.
It will be a short post tonight, nothing really new to add. If you sent the clear skies, I thank you, for hopefully they will last throughout the night and Abby won't get all freaked out by potential storms, wind and thunder.
Momma loves you
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Sorta Better Today
Tuesday July 24, 2012
My babies Shelby and Dalton,
I always refer to you that way as that was your birth order. Just like I always have to place your things in the "correct order" in my minds eye. I always put Shelby's things on the left and Dalton's on the right as that was how you were in my womb. I found out Samuel and Gabriel's mom does the same thing. Must be a twin thing.
Today was slightly better than yesterday. I went to get the car serviced, then had quite a bit of time before meeting my friend for lunch, so I went to Tempe Marketplace. The JCPenney didn't open until 10, so I then drove over past Target but didn't really feel like going in there. Ulta wasn't open until 10 either, but I noticed Ross was open, so I went in there to look for baby clothes for the project we're doing for the MISS Foundation International Random Acts of Kindness Day this Friday. I really don't care for Ross, never shop there and always feel icky walking in there. I sorted through the racks and found several multi-packs of onesies. I picked out several, then I circled again and there was the most unbelievable item hanging on the rack ~ a University of Texas Longhorns onesie. I couldn't believe it! Given our location, I would not have been at all surprised if it were ASU or U of A, but a Longhorn onesie?!?!? REALLY?! I of course snatched it up. It was only $1.99!! I really think it was a little sign from y'all that you liked what we're planning to do for Friday. I know neither your Daddy nor I went to UT, but I just can't explain why I like UT so much, but once I moved from Texas, I LOVE the Longhorns. Maybe it's because I love Bevo so much, he's the most beautiful longhorn and such a gorgeous symbol of our state. Your Daddy just doesn't understand it, but he doesn't have to. In our house, you would have learned all about Allison logic. It's what Daddy calls it when I get my mind stuck on something having to be a certain way, and although it defies all rational thought, it MUST happen or be done that way.
Short post today, but just checking in with you and sending my love.
My babies Shelby and Dalton,
I always refer to you that way as that was your birth order. Just like I always have to place your things in the "correct order" in my minds eye. I always put Shelby's things on the left and Dalton's on the right as that was how you were in my womb. I found out Samuel and Gabriel's mom does the same thing. Must be a twin thing.
Today was slightly better than yesterday. I went to get the car serviced, then had quite a bit of time before meeting my friend for lunch, so I went to Tempe Marketplace. The JCPenney didn't open until 10, so I then drove over past Target but didn't really feel like going in there. Ulta wasn't open until 10 either, but I noticed Ross was open, so I went in there to look for baby clothes for the project we're doing for the MISS Foundation International Random Acts of Kindness Day this Friday. I really don't care for Ross, never shop there and always feel icky walking in there. I sorted through the racks and found several multi-packs of onesies. I picked out several, then I circled again and there was the most unbelievable item hanging on the rack ~ a University of Texas Longhorns onesie. I couldn't believe it! Given our location, I would not have been at all surprised if it were ASU or U of A, but a Longhorn onesie?!?!? REALLY?! I of course snatched it up. It was only $1.99!! I really think it was a little sign from y'all that you liked what we're planning to do for Friday. I know neither your Daddy nor I went to UT, but I just can't explain why I like UT so much, but once I moved from Texas, I LOVE the Longhorns. Maybe it's because I love Bevo so much, he's the most beautiful longhorn and such a gorgeous symbol of our state. Your Daddy just doesn't understand it, but he doesn't have to. In our house, you would have learned all about Allison logic. It's what Daddy calls it when I get my mind stuck on something having to be a certain way, and although it defies all rational thought, it MUST happen or be done that way.
Short post today, but just checking in with you and sending my love.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Rough Days
My darlings,
Your momma is struggling enormously of late. I sit around and mope and eat. I feel sad, but I'm not crying. I start to cry, then stop. I'm so lonely. Your daddy I think is experiencing many of the same feelings. You would have been 6 1/2 months old now based on your arrival date, or just about 3 months based on your estimated due date. The MISS Foundation's International Random Acts of Kindness Day is this Friday, I have no idea what to do. I think Chloe's momma Nikki is going to take some things to the NICU where Chloe was born. Neither your father nor I can stomach the thought of walking in to the NICU where you spent your precious short lives. Michelle teamed up with Circle K to give away free drinks at 1 location, in memory of Brandon. I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to be so conservative with our money, but I want to do something for you.
Today was an especially rough day. I dropped Daddy off at the airport, he's off to North Texas for the week. After that, I was going to go do the special promotion at the casino. Stopped for gas along the way, used the wrong WEX card to fill up the POS company car (Daddy still had the old one from his previous car). Finally figured it out. Went to the casino, wound up locking myself out of the slot promotion as I was entering the wrong PIN. Came home, stopped by the bank to withdraw my UI funds, found out there wasn't as much available as I thought. There was just a series of wrong events all morning long.
The monsoon is upon us and as you probably know, your canine sister Abby is terribly frightened by thunderstorms. We left her last Saturday to go to a birthday party. When we came home, we found she had lost her mind because of what we can only imagine was a horrific storm with tons of thunder, and she tore up the house. Your Daddy was so mad at her. Luckily, she didn't touch any of your things that are irreplaceable, as I think Daddy might have lost HIS mind. But, she dug a 4' x 6' hole in the drywall in the laundry room, doing the most extensive damage there, pulling out insulation, and even chewing on the studs, the molding and the door. If she had only concentrated on that room, she would possibly have been able to chew her way in to the garage and may have either died from the heat, or gone through the outside wall and escaped our home. Or, had she continued vertically on that wall, she may have attacked the wiring and either electrocuted herself or started a fire. I don't know what I'd have done if we had gotten a phone call from the alarm company that our house was on fire. The party we had to go to was about an hour away from our house. Luckily, none of those things happened, but she also attacked the moldings on the left sides of the guest bedroom door and the guest bath door. We can probably repair the guest bath door molding and door, but the mess in the laundry room and the molding on the guest bedroom and both sides of our master bedroom door will have to be fully replaced, along with some repairs to the drywall on the left side of our master bedroom door. Of course, in addition to the physical damages Abby did to the house, I worry about the impact on her health from swallowing all that drywall and insulation. I simply could not bear it if I lost either Abby or Ike this year. SIGH. Just one thing after another.
While we were at that party, I saw an expression of such fierce longing and emptiness cross your father's face as he watched the wife of a lifelong friend read a book to the youngest of her three children that I just started crying. I was such a mess at that party, I couldn't wait to come home, but we had to put in an appearance. And of course, the guest of honor was almost an hour late to his own surprise party. Another reason your Daddy and I both detest surprise parties and agree to never give each other one.
That simple act of reading a storybook to a toddler, the joyfulness of which we may never experience with a child of our own. Dalton, I'm sorry we didn't read to you. We were just in such shock that I don't think we realized we should have spent every waking hour divided between your and your sister's rooms. To hell with recovering from my c-section surgery, we should have spent every minute with you. We were so optimistic that you both would have made it, you were ahead of the curve for your gestational age and you were moving around a lot and vocal when you first arrived, we thought we could beat the odds. After we lost you, we did spend more time with your sister, and I apologize to you for not having more time with you. Shelby, we read to you from the Bible and from the Oceania and Holland America cruise brochures that arrived in the mail. We were going to take you on a Mediterranean cruise as soon as you were old enough and strong enough to travel internationally.
We took your grandpa to the Diamondbacks/Astros game yesterday for his birthday. While we were there, your Daddy and I observed this precious young woman in an electric wheelchair, being pushed by her family as she had so many physical and mental challenges, she was unable to even complete the simple task of pushing the button to steer her wheelchair. Your Daddy and I exchanged looks, both thinking what if that would have been your fate had you survived being born at only 24 weeks? Would they have deemed you medically fragile? Would we never have gotten to show you the Amalfi coast and other beautiful things in this world because you were medically fragile? Would we have watched you grow and mature physically, but also had to endure knowing you were there physically but you would never speak a complete sentence or swim a lap in the pool or catch a baseball or tie your own shoes?
These and so many more questions haunt your Daddy and I on a daily basis and will probably continue to do so as long as there is breath in our bodies and our minds are capable of thought.
Your momma loves and misses you.
Your momma is struggling enormously of late. I sit around and mope and eat. I feel sad, but I'm not crying. I start to cry, then stop. I'm so lonely. Your daddy I think is experiencing many of the same feelings. You would have been 6 1/2 months old now based on your arrival date, or just about 3 months based on your estimated due date. The MISS Foundation's International Random Acts of Kindness Day is this Friday, I have no idea what to do. I think Chloe's momma Nikki is going to take some things to the NICU where Chloe was born. Neither your father nor I can stomach the thought of walking in to the NICU where you spent your precious short lives. Michelle teamed up with Circle K to give away free drinks at 1 location, in memory of Brandon. I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to be so conservative with our money, but I want to do something for you.
Today was an especially rough day. I dropped Daddy off at the airport, he's off to North Texas for the week. After that, I was going to go do the special promotion at the casino. Stopped for gas along the way, used the wrong WEX card to fill up the POS company car (Daddy still had the old one from his previous car). Finally figured it out. Went to the casino, wound up locking myself out of the slot promotion as I was entering the wrong PIN. Came home, stopped by the bank to withdraw my UI funds, found out there wasn't as much available as I thought. There was just a series of wrong events all morning long.
The monsoon is upon us and as you probably know, your canine sister Abby is terribly frightened by thunderstorms. We left her last Saturday to go to a birthday party. When we came home, we found she had lost her mind because of what we can only imagine was a horrific storm with tons of thunder, and she tore up the house. Your Daddy was so mad at her. Luckily, she didn't touch any of your things that are irreplaceable, as I think Daddy might have lost HIS mind. But, she dug a 4' x 6' hole in the drywall in the laundry room, doing the most extensive damage there, pulling out insulation, and even chewing on the studs, the molding and the door. If she had only concentrated on that room, she would possibly have been able to chew her way in to the garage and may have either died from the heat, or gone through the outside wall and escaped our home. Or, had she continued vertically on that wall, she may have attacked the wiring and either electrocuted herself or started a fire. I don't know what I'd have done if we had gotten a phone call from the alarm company that our house was on fire. The party we had to go to was about an hour away from our house. Luckily, none of those things happened, but she also attacked the moldings on the left sides of the guest bedroom door and the guest bath door. We can probably repair the guest bath door molding and door, but the mess in the laundry room and the molding on the guest bedroom and both sides of our master bedroom door will have to be fully replaced, along with some repairs to the drywall on the left side of our master bedroom door. Of course, in addition to the physical damages Abby did to the house, I worry about the impact on her health from swallowing all that drywall and insulation. I simply could not bear it if I lost either Abby or Ike this year. SIGH. Just one thing after another.
While we were at that party, I saw an expression of such fierce longing and emptiness cross your father's face as he watched the wife of a lifelong friend read a book to the youngest of her three children that I just started crying. I was such a mess at that party, I couldn't wait to come home, but we had to put in an appearance. And of course, the guest of honor was almost an hour late to his own surprise party. Another reason your Daddy and I both detest surprise parties and agree to never give each other one.
That simple act of reading a storybook to a toddler, the joyfulness of which we may never experience with a child of our own. Dalton, I'm sorry we didn't read to you. We were just in such shock that I don't think we realized we should have spent every waking hour divided between your and your sister's rooms. To hell with recovering from my c-section surgery, we should have spent every minute with you. We were so optimistic that you both would have made it, you were ahead of the curve for your gestational age and you were moving around a lot and vocal when you first arrived, we thought we could beat the odds. After we lost you, we did spend more time with your sister, and I apologize to you for not having more time with you. Shelby, we read to you from the Bible and from the Oceania and Holland America cruise brochures that arrived in the mail. We were going to take you on a Mediterranean cruise as soon as you were old enough and strong enough to travel internationally.
We took your grandpa to the Diamondbacks/Astros game yesterday for his birthday. While we were there, your Daddy and I observed this precious young woman in an electric wheelchair, being pushed by her family as she had so many physical and mental challenges, she was unable to even complete the simple task of pushing the button to steer her wheelchair. Your Daddy and I exchanged looks, both thinking what if that would have been your fate had you survived being born at only 24 weeks? Would they have deemed you medically fragile? Would we never have gotten to show you the Amalfi coast and other beautiful things in this world because you were medically fragile? Would we have watched you grow and mature physically, but also had to endure knowing you were there physically but you would never speak a complete sentence or swim a lap in the pool or catch a baseball or tie your own shoes?
These and so many more questions haunt your Daddy and I on a daily basis and will probably continue to do so as long as there is breath in our bodies and our minds are capable of thought.
Your momma loves and misses you.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Hello Shelby and Dalton,
It's been a week since my last post, but I would like to post today. I don't have much new to add, the week was busy, Mariko, Rafi and Leo were with us from Thursday through Monday morning. Your Daddy is in Albuquerque this week, coming home tomorrow night. It's been very hot and humid this week, more reminiscent of Houston or New Orleans than our typically dry desert environs. There's a certain numbness and paralysis I've been feeling lately. I've been trying to be a good housekeeper and keep things fairly neat, clean and organized, but all I do is sit around, watching television and surfing on this stupid computer. My life is in such a holding pattern right now. I was supposed to be unimaginably busy taking care of the two of you, feedings, baths, diaper changes, mountains of laundry. Instead, there is just this gross void, this terrible emptiness. I am supposed to be getting healthy (read losing weight) and preparing my body to try again in a few months. I can't even succeed at that. My weight moves up instead of down. I first started tracking my weight in February and I have GAINED 12 lbs since then, those are 12 lbs I should have LOST, not GAINED. What is wrong with me? My only excuse is that I am looking to food and drink for comfort.
Everywhere I look, it seems like there are twins. My friend just announced her other daughter is now expecting twins. Her younger daughter had twins in March, we had been tracking each other's pregnancies until everything exploded in my pregnancy. She now has healthy twin grandsons, with another set of twins on the way. She was so kind to me, sending me memory boxes that she creates for her local hospital. I feel I should send something to her for her grandchildren. There is also this stupid commercial for coupons, where the cretinous couple is pretending they're doing an ad for online dating, but it's actually for online couponing, and the husband talks about how he printed off coupons as a romantic surprise for her, then she says "that's how the twins were born".... it's so terribly annoying, I switch the channel each time it comes on.
My babies, my heart is aching with emptiness and longing for you.
It's been a week since my last post, but I would like to post today. I don't have much new to add, the week was busy, Mariko, Rafi and Leo were with us from Thursday through Monday morning. Your Daddy is in Albuquerque this week, coming home tomorrow night. It's been very hot and humid this week, more reminiscent of Houston or New Orleans than our typically dry desert environs. There's a certain numbness and paralysis I've been feeling lately. I've been trying to be a good housekeeper and keep things fairly neat, clean and organized, but all I do is sit around, watching television and surfing on this stupid computer. My life is in such a holding pattern right now. I was supposed to be unimaginably busy taking care of the two of you, feedings, baths, diaper changes, mountains of laundry. Instead, there is just this gross void, this terrible emptiness. I am supposed to be getting healthy (read losing weight) and preparing my body to try again in a few months. I can't even succeed at that. My weight moves up instead of down. I first started tracking my weight in February and I have GAINED 12 lbs since then, those are 12 lbs I should have LOST, not GAINED. What is wrong with me? My only excuse is that I am looking to food and drink for comfort.
Everywhere I look, it seems like there are twins. My friend just announced her other daughter is now expecting twins. Her younger daughter had twins in March, we had been tracking each other's pregnancies until everything exploded in my pregnancy. She now has healthy twin grandsons, with another set of twins on the way. She was so kind to me, sending me memory boxes that she creates for her local hospital. I feel I should send something to her for her grandchildren. There is also this stupid commercial for coupons, where the cretinous couple is pretending they're doing an ad for online dating, but it's actually for online couponing, and the husband talks about how he printed off coupons as a romantic surprise for her, then she says "that's how the twins were born".... it's so terribly annoying, I switch the channel each time it comes on.
My babies, my heart is aching with emptiness and longing for you.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Thursday July 5, 2012
Darling Shelby and Dalton,
Yesterday was the 4th of July, yet another holiday I will now dread. Yesterday was your 6 month birthday, and the day you would have been 10 weeks old, had you arrived on your original due date. We haven't really been big July 4th people, I honestly don't think we've been to a commercial fireworks display in at least 7 years. Your canine sister Abby hates fireworks and thunder, gets so terribly freaked out, I refuse to leave her alone if I know there is going to be a storm. I kiddingly tell her what kind of hunting dog would she have been if she's scared of thunder, fireworks, gunshots and other loud noises?
Yesterday, your Daddy had an especially rough day. I myself have been feeling particularly numb of late, but your Daddy has been overwhelmingly sad and depressed. We were supposed to be getting ready to have our friends Mariko, Rafael and Leo visit from California. They too were so excited to meet you. On their 2011 Christmas card, it was addressed to Jamie, Allison, Abby, Ike and baby cousins. That was you. We hadn't found out your sex at that point, so they just called you baby cousins. At the time, we thought everything was going to progress normally and were waiting to be surprised at your April (or even late March, looking back) arrival. Anyway, instead of cleaning and getting the house ready, your Daddy started feeling sick. He thinks it's a reaction from the local anesthesia he had on Tuesday during a dermatological procedure. I thought perhaps it was a psychosomatic reaction to the loss and heartwrenching sadness he feels since you are not with us. Either way, he was feverish and achy most of the day.
Your Grammy and Grampy were over for dinner. We were supposed to have spent the afternoon in the pool, but the weather did not cooperate. We had heavy rain and storms, it was unseasonably cool and cloudy for July in Arizona. I was thinking perhaps the storms were y'all's way of saying hello, since it was so atypical. So, we sat around and didn't do much. We grilled sausages and had sausage and pepper sandwiches for dinner. We watched the Rangers on TV, who lost to the stupid White Sox. No left handed pitchers in that game. We had just sat down to eat, your Daddy was in our bedroom. He called out to me. I got up and went in to him. He hugged me to him, he was crying and burning up with fever, his body felt like he'd been basting in the typical 115 degree weather for hours as he was on fire. He had called to me so that we could commemorate the exact times at which you made your entrance in to the world, 6:11 and 6:12PM according to the hospital, although your Daddy says he thought it was more like 6:15 for Shelby and 6:18 for Dalton, according to his watch. I myself was quite out of it at that time, although I do remember hearing both of you cry. I foolishly took those first cries as such a good sign, as all the doctors and nurses had warned us not to expect to hear you cry as you were too little. When I heard that beautiful music, I thought "There they are, feisty and spirited, just like me, they're going to make it". Ha, I was so bitterly utterly and completely wrong.
Last week, I don't know what came over me, but I went on Neiman Marcus.com and selected several 6 month baby outfits for each of you, some jeans and polo shirts, onesies with animals and trucks for Dalton, jeans and adorable little dresses for Shelby, a Gucci onesie for each of you, with the words "Made in Italy" on it. So appropriate for although you weren't conceived in Italy, you would have had so much Italian spirit and vitality. I "virtually spent" an obscene amount of money on 6 imaginary outfits for each of you.
That's it for now my darlings, I must go and finish cleaning and getting ready for our houseguests. All my love. Momma
Darling Shelby and Dalton,
Yesterday was the 4th of July, yet another holiday I will now dread. Yesterday was your 6 month birthday, and the day you would have been 10 weeks old, had you arrived on your original due date. We haven't really been big July 4th people, I honestly don't think we've been to a commercial fireworks display in at least 7 years. Your canine sister Abby hates fireworks and thunder, gets so terribly freaked out, I refuse to leave her alone if I know there is going to be a storm. I kiddingly tell her what kind of hunting dog would she have been if she's scared of thunder, fireworks, gunshots and other loud noises?
Yesterday, your Daddy had an especially rough day. I myself have been feeling particularly numb of late, but your Daddy has been overwhelmingly sad and depressed. We were supposed to be getting ready to have our friends Mariko, Rafael and Leo visit from California. They too were so excited to meet you. On their 2011 Christmas card, it was addressed to Jamie, Allison, Abby, Ike and baby cousins. That was you. We hadn't found out your sex at that point, so they just called you baby cousins. At the time, we thought everything was going to progress normally and were waiting to be surprised at your April (or even late March, looking back) arrival. Anyway, instead of cleaning and getting the house ready, your Daddy started feeling sick. He thinks it's a reaction from the local anesthesia he had on Tuesday during a dermatological procedure. I thought perhaps it was a psychosomatic reaction to the loss and heartwrenching sadness he feels since you are not with us. Either way, he was feverish and achy most of the day.
Your Grammy and Grampy were over for dinner. We were supposed to have spent the afternoon in the pool, but the weather did not cooperate. We had heavy rain and storms, it was unseasonably cool and cloudy for July in Arizona. I was thinking perhaps the storms were y'all's way of saying hello, since it was so atypical. So, we sat around and didn't do much. We grilled sausages and had sausage and pepper sandwiches for dinner. We watched the Rangers on TV, who lost to the stupid White Sox. No left handed pitchers in that game. We had just sat down to eat, your Daddy was in our bedroom. He called out to me. I got up and went in to him. He hugged me to him, he was crying and burning up with fever, his body felt like he'd been basting in the typical 115 degree weather for hours as he was on fire. He had called to me so that we could commemorate the exact times at which you made your entrance in to the world, 6:11 and 6:12PM according to the hospital, although your Daddy says he thought it was more like 6:15 for Shelby and 6:18 for Dalton, according to his watch. I myself was quite out of it at that time, although I do remember hearing both of you cry. I foolishly took those first cries as such a good sign, as all the doctors and nurses had warned us not to expect to hear you cry as you were too little. When I heard that beautiful music, I thought "There they are, feisty and spirited, just like me, they're going to make it". Ha, I was so bitterly utterly and completely wrong.
Last week, I don't know what came over me, but I went on Neiman Marcus.com and selected several 6 month baby outfits for each of you, some jeans and polo shirts, onesies with animals and trucks for Dalton, jeans and adorable little dresses for Shelby, a Gucci onesie for each of you, with the words "Made in Italy" on it. So appropriate for although you weren't conceived in Italy, you would have had so much Italian spirit and vitality. I "virtually spent" an obscene amount of money on 6 imaginary outfits for each of you.
That's it for now my darlings, I must go and finish cleaning and getting ready for our houseguests. All my love. Momma
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