Monday March 4, 2013
Dear baby children Shelby and Dalton,
Today would have been y'all's 14 month old birthday. It was a rough weekend, maybe because this next milestone was weighing on our subconscious and making us miserable. It's Abram's momma's birthday today. And also the 10-month anniversary of when he died. It's also your great-grandmother Philomena's birthday. She would have been 95 (I think). I can't remember if she was born in 1918 or 1919. She and your great-grandmother Betty were very close in age. Betty's 95th birthday is later this month. If these ladies are around you right now, wish them happy birthday for us.
I dropped your Daddy off at the airport this morning, bound for San Francisco. I wish I could have gone with him, but we are trying to save money and no trip is in the budget right now. In 2 weeks, he has another great trip, this time to the Gulf Coast; Orange Beach, Alabama to be specific. His new boss asked him to help train one of my old counterparts (manager) who was laid off and opted to become an auditor like Daddy. Daddy's boss said he wanted Daddy to be with this guy as he thought Daddy had a lot of expertise to offer. That made me very proud of your Daddy. But, I'm sad I can't go with him. Prices to fly in to Mobile (closest airport) were $500+, so I thought about flying to New Orleans (either early or staying on extra, to see your Aunt Kelli), but those prices were about $700. I did find one option that might have worked on Southwest, for about $400, but Daddy said we can't spend that money. I really wanted to go because I find the beach so healing, and of course, it would have given me a new place to write your names in the sand (so far, we've got Gulfport, MS, Paracas, Peru, Santa Barbara, CA, and somewhere in New Zealand, thanks to Jack's mom. We should have asked your Uncle Bill to write your names on Maui when he and Aunt Adrienne were there last year. I don't know if they'd have done it or not). Plus, looking on the map, just west of Orange Beach is Shelby Lakes. You know I would have had to drive there. There's also a Dalton, GA, but I don't think Daddy would have to go there, he doesn't usually go that far east for work.
I re-read the last post I made, about 3 weeks ago. I asked for some signs. I think just after that, we went to dinner with your Grandpa Larry, Grandma Kay and cousin Emily. Leaving the restaurant, we stood near the cars in this little landscape area. Emily was playing with the plants and rocks and then she turned around (away from the 4 of us) and said "What? What?", into the night sky. I like to think that means y'all were there with us and Emily could see you. Then, Abram's mom texted me and said the host at a restaurant where they went was named Dalton. However, there's still a dark cloud hanging over me. I had a good time at the zoo with Olivia's mommy, and we met up again last week to walk. It is probably the single farthest distance I have walked in some time, if not ever. We walked about 4.8 miles around the Scottsdale green belt. Then, the next day, she texted to tell me she is pregnant again. They have been trying and I'm very happy for them, but so saddened that our attempts did not work and we have to keep trying. And, we have no guarantee that everything will work again as easily as it did when you came in to our lives. Then of course, there is the added worry and paranoia that the same result will happen again. It's not just getting pregnant, it's keeping me pregnant, and then, even at full term, the worries of cord accidents, infectious diseases or SIDS.
My darkness is making me very passive aggressive, according to your Daddy. I don't want this blog to become an ugly place of hatred, vitriol and rage, so forgive me for venting. In my mind, I resort to passive aggressive behavior and anger as means of self-protection. That probably is ridiculous, but for some reason, I guess I'm thinking if I wall myself off and don't let people in (including your Daddy), then I won't get hurt again. I find myself expecting the worst of everyone. Yet, I crave companionship and contact with people. I initiated a GNO with Auntie Leah for Tuesday and a walk with Olivia's mom again on Thursday. This dichotomy in my personality is very bizarre.
I'm going to sign off for now my darlings, I'm working on putting a bunch of old pictures in to albums and organize them, just in general trying to declutter the house.
My love on your 14-month birthday, I wish I was cooking some special dish for you and following you around the house. Momma
