Thursday December 13, 2012
Precious babies,
Yesterday marked the 1 year anniversary of the day we had our ultrasound. You were there, in full glory. They took 99 photos of the 2 of you, and I was amazed at the clarity of the photos, the perfectly round outlines of your skulls, your little noses, your arms and legs in crystal clarity. I was fascinated at all of the things they were checking. I also got a bit nauseous with the pressing of the ultrasound. I think it was just y'all, trying to say "Hey, leave us alone in here, stop poking around with that disturbing wand", so you sent signals to make me ill. Just like all the times when you let me know you didn't like the food I was eating. As we've discussed in previous posts, you liked high quality gourmet food, as evidenced by our birthday lunch with my parents at The Parlor and the many delicious meals we had in Las Vegas with your Aunt Manda, Uncle Kevin, Aunt Leah and Uncle Pete. After those meals, I was never nauseous in the slightest.
Yesterday also marked the one year anniversary of the beginning of both the happiest and the darkest 30 day period in my entire life. We shared your ultrasound photos with family and friends and I felt your activity level increase. We got ready to host Christmas Eve dinner, and 3 days later, I was in the hospital on bedrest, fighting to preserve the pregnancy, praying for another uneventful day, and another and another. But, as we all know, you arrived at the 24-week mark and your tiny bodies were woefully underprepared to tackle life on the outside. By January 12, you were both gone.
This week, I came down with bronchitis. Your father and I have both been battling sickness recently. Two weeks ago, he was sick all weekend, lying in the bed. I don't know if he had the flu or a colitis flare up or just mental fatigue. This broken-heartedness is impacting both of us physically. Daddy said he read somewhere that grief stricken parents are always battling illnesses, or something to that effect. I admit I didn't pay attention to him because I absolutely detest being sick. With the exception of our time in the hospital, my only other stint was an emergency room visit after I fell down the cellar stairs at Nana's, resulting in a mild concussion. But, another grieving Mom wrote something in her blog along similar lines. I'm afraid my mental acuity is less than sharp tonight, so I'm not up to quoting it, or even describing the gist of her post.
Your canine brother Ike is completely simpatico with my bronchitis. He has lain in the bed with me all day today, even forgoing his dinner tonight. He can't get close enough to me, he is trying to comfort my soul. Your canine sister is lying on the floor, she keeps sniffing the air. Perhaps she senses y'all are visiting us. Perhaps your Tante Jayne brought you for a visit, as she was always the family nursemaid, taking care of at least 3 generations. Make that 4 now that she's looking after the 2 of you. And, yes, Tante, I know I should be taking your famous concoction of honey and butter to kick this bronchitis.
I spoke with Daddy, he was supposed to get together with my SIG, Chloe's momma tonight. Ironically, SIG has also come down with bronchitis. We are forever linked in a horrendous way, but I find it comforting to have her with me on our grief journeys. He may see her briefly tomorrow before he leaves Alaska.
Darling Shelby and Dalton, Momma is signing off for now. Hopefully, this weekend, we will put up the Christmas tree. I have 3 ornaments for you, the ones I bought in Alaska in April and the one your grandparents Bones gave us. I hope I can find all of them, I've been more than disorganized these past few months.
All my love - Momma
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Monday, December 3, 2012
If We Make It Through December
Monday December 3, 2012
Hello my precious Shelby and Dalton,
I'm sitting here tonight, watching my Baylor boy, Robert Griffin III leading his Redskins on Monday Night Football against the New York Giants. He is a phenomenal athlete and seems to be of good character. His parents are still together, which probably has quite a bit to do with his maturity and composure. He is the face of Baylor. Sometimes, it seems so bizarre, as he wasn't even born when I started my days at Baylor, he was born during the second semester of my freshman year. I can still remember when he won the Heisman trophy, the ceremony was on Saturday December 10, 2 days before my ultrasound. So many of those "milestone" days are rushing at us over the coming weeks. I couldn't believe how your images appeared on the ultrasounds, that we could see every detail of your precious and seemingly perfect bodies. We really were blissfully ignorant, naively thinking that we made it through the 1st trimester and everything looked so good. I must admit, neither your Daddy nor I were paying super close attention to the 4 factors that contribute to premature labor when the maternal/fetal medicine specialist detailed them. I remember high blood pressure (which I never had), age of the mother (guilty of frittering away so much of our lives), and discord between twin weights (more than 20%, which you never measured until the day you were born), but I don't know the 4th factor. It really didn't seem like premature labor would be something that we'd be dealing with, but how horribly wrong we were. Thirty-one days after that ultrasound, you were both gone.
We somehow made it through Thanksgiving, and stayed sober. We both know alcohol offers no solutions, sometimes it just numbs the pain. We didn't even get to that point on Thanksgiving. Daddy had 1 beer, which he left on the counter half full, and then 1 gin and tonic, again leaving half of it in the glass. I had 2 small glasses of red wine, I poured a glass for Daddy at dinner, he didn't even take 1 sip. That was it. Our mothers were both pretty mellow, and there were no major issues. Grandma Nancy said grace, and your Uncle Ryan surprised us by initiating the hand-holding during the blessing. Your Aunt Violet is scared to death of Ike, and he senses that, so therefore whenever she holds your cousin Emily, Ike loses his mind. However, when Grandma Kay or Ryan or I hold Emily, Ike is just fine. He even laid quietly on the sofa while Emily scratched his head. I wish I could tell Violet to relax, that Ike is a big cream puff.
I think you were visiting on Thanksgiving. Emily was in her high chair between your Grandpa Joe and her Momma. She looked up behind her Momma, up toward the ceiling. She clenched her fist twice, as if she was waving and then she looked directly at me, as if to say "Your babies are here."
Last night, as we were falling asleep, your Daddy asked God to let us dream about you. Well, I had a dream that featured Shelby. It was the weirdest thing, in the dream, we were eating at one of those major breakfast chains (we rarely eat at places like this), there was a big group of us. When I went to pay the bill, there was a black lady at the checkout stand. She said to me, "I have a message for you from that little girl." I asked "What little girl?" She said "That little girl, didn't you see her? She came in and was standing by your table for a bit. Then she came up here and asked me to give you a message. She said "Tell her Shelby says Hi". Apparently in the dream, there was more to the message, something along the lines of "Everything's good", but when I woke up, I couldn't remember specifically the exact words. Then, when I was in Albertson's later, I was waiting for the lady to bring me a new bag of romaine lettuce, and I could have sworn they paged for a Shelby. During Daddy's flight this morning, he said there was a couple sitting in front of him with a baby boy who was about 6 months old and that baby just kept staring and staring at Daddy. Had y'all been full-term, you would have been about 7 months old. Maybe that baby met you when you got to heaven and played with you for a bit. As it is, tomorrow marks your 11 month old birthday.
December has always been a hard month for some reason. I've always loved the Merle Haggard song If We Make It Through December, and it seems more poignant than ever this year. Although I don't much care for Merle Haggard himself (I'm still irked by that story that he swindled Waylon out of a bunch of money in a poker game was Waylon was stoned out of his mind. I don't support such behavior, but I will always take Waylon's side, as he is my favorite musician, as y'all know). Alas, I digress. Your Daddy has never enjoyed putting up Christmas decorations, on most years he does it simply to humor me. This year, I agreed we don't have to put up outdoor decorations but I do want to put up the tree. I have some ornaments for y'all and all the ornaments that I've gathered going back to the year I was born. Daddy has some ornaments from when he was a little boy too. Plus, Ike really likes to sit on his sofa and watch the lit Christmas tree. The dogs also have special ornaments, so we agreed to put up the tree. But the coming weeks are going to be just terrible. They mark the last few days of what was a relatively uneventful pregnancy. Everything changed between my going to bed on Christmas Eve and waking up on Christmas morning. It was the beginning of the end.
Babies, please give us strength to make it through the next month. Keep giving us signs that y'all are with us and loving us and are happy with our decision to try again by embarking late next month on another attempt to have living children.
Momma loves and misses you.
Hello my precious Shelby and Dalton,
I'm sitting here tonight, watching my Baylor boy, Robert Griffin III leading his Redskins on Monday Night Football against the New York Giants. He is a phenomenal athlete and seems to be of good character. His parents are still together, which probably has quite a bit to do with his maturity and composure. He is the face of Baylor. Sometimes, it seems so bizarre, as he wasn't even born when I started my days at Baylor, he was born during the second semester of my freshman year. I can still remember when he won the Heisman trophy, the ceremony was on Saturday December 10, 2 days before my ultrasound. So many of those "milestone" days are rushing at us over the coming weeks. I couldn't believe how your images appeared on the ultrasounds, that we could see every detail of your precious and seemingly perfect bodies. We really were blissfully ignorant, naively thinking that we made it through the 1st trimester and everything looked so good. I must admit, neither your Daddy nor I were paying super close attention to the 4 factors that contribute to premature labor when the maternal/fetal medicine specialist detailed them. I remember high blood pressure (which I never had), age of the mother (guilty of frittering away so much of our lives), and discord between twin weights (more than 20%, which you never measured until the day you were born), but I don't know the 4th factor. It really didn't seem like premature labor would be something that we'd be dealing with, but how horribly wrong we were. Thirty-one days after that ultrasound, you were both gone.
We somehow made it through Thanksgiving, and stayed sober. We both know alcohol offers no solutions, sometimes it just numbs the pain. We didn't even get to that point on Thanksgiving. Daddy had 1 beer, which he left on the counter half full, and then 1 gin and tonic, again leaving half of it in the glass. I had 2 small glasses of red wine, I poured a glass for Daddy at dinner, he didn't even take 1 sip. That was it. Our mothers were both pretty mellow, and there were no major issues. Grandma Nancy said grace, and your Uncle Ryan surprised us by initiating the hand-holding during the blessing. Your Aunt Violet is scared to death of Ike, and he senses that, so therefore whenever she holds your cousin Emily, Ike loses his mind. However, when Grandma Kay or Ryan or I hold Emily, Ike is just fine. He even laid quietly on the sofa while Emily scratched his head. I wish I could tell Violet to relax, that Ike is a big cream puff.
I think you were visiting on Thanksgiving. Emily was in her high chair between your Grandpa Joe and her Momma. She looked up behind her Momma, up toward the ceiling. She clenched her fist twice, as if she was waving and then she looked directly at me, as if to say "Your babies are here."
Last night, as we were falling asleep, your Daddy asked God to let us dream about you. Well, I had a dream that featured Shelby. It was the weirdest thing, in the dream, we were eating at one of those major breakfast chains (we rarely eat at places like this), there was a big group of us. When I went to pay the bill, there was a black lady at the checkout stand. She said to me, "I have a message for you from that little girl." I asked "What little girl?" She said "That little girl, didn't you see her? She came in and was standing by your table for a bit. Then she came up here and asked me to give you a message. She said "Tell her Shelby says Hi". Apparently in the dream, there was more to the message, something along the lines of "Everything's good", but when I woke up, I couldn't remember specifically the exact words. Then, when I was in Albertson's later, I was waiting for the lady to bring me a new bag of romaine lettuce, and I could have sworn they paged for a Shelby. During Daddy's flight this morning, he said there was a couple sitting in front of him with a baby boy who was about 6 months old and that baby just kept staring and staring at Daddy. Had y'all been full-term, you would have been about 7 months old. Maybe that baby met you when you got to heaven and played with you for a bit. As it is, tomorrow marks your 11 month old birthday.
December has always been a hard month for some reason. I've always loved the Merle Haggard song If We Make It Through December, and it seems more poignant than ever this year. Although I don't much care for Merle Haggard himself (I'm still irked by that story that he swindled Waylon out of a bunch of money in a poker game was Waylon was stoned out of his mind. I don't support such behavior, but I will always take Waylon's side, as he is my favorite musician, as y'all know). Alas, I digress. Your Daddy has never enjoyed putting up Christmas decorations, on most years he does it simply to humor me. This year, I agreed we don't have to put up outdoor decorations but I do want to put up the tree. I have some ornaments for y'all and all the ornaments that I've gathered going back to the year I was born. Daddy has some ornaments from when he was a little boy too. Plus, Ike really likes to sit on his sofa and watch the lit Christmas tree. The dogs also have special ornaments, so we agreed to put up the tree. But the coming weeks are going to be just terrible. They mark the last few days of what was a relatively uneventful pregnancy. Everything changed between my going to bed on Christmas Eve and waking up on Christmas morning. It was the beginning of the end.
Babies, please give us strength to make it through the next month. Keep giving us signs that y'all are with us and loving us and are happy with our decision to try again by embarking late next month on another attempt to have living children.
Momma loves and misses you.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Strange happenings
Tuesday October 22, 2012
Hello my darling Shelby and Dalton,
Another month is almost over. Another month closer to the holidays, which your Daddy and I are both dreading. Another month closer to your 1 year birthday, which may be the hardest day yet, aside from the days you each died. It's been awhile since I've posted and I have so much to talk about, I feel like my fingers won't be able to keep up with my thoughts.
After no weddings in 5 years, we attended 2 weddings in 6 days. Both were beautiful and in lovely settings but each had a different vibe to them. Your Daddy's former colleague married a sweet lady in the wonderfully Mediterranean-like town of Santa Barbara. Daddy participated in that ceremony, sharing in the Filipino custom of the cord that unites the bride and groom. At that rehearsal dinner, we met a gay man who commented that he was getting the first sleep in 3 months from taking care of his newborn twins. My heart stopped, but I had to know if they were boy/girl twins like you, so I asked him their names. Lillian and Lucien. This man seemed a bit pretentious at first, but we later told him our family's story. He shared our sorrow and was sweetly encouraging of our hopes to have living children someday. The other wedding was one of my former colleagues. Watching the groom, it was so beautiful to see the complete and utter love he felt toward my friend the bride. Both were good parties with great music and delicious food.
Your canine sister Abby has been acting a bit strange lately. I asked Daddy if he thought it was because you might be visiting us. He said anything is possible. Abby will be lying on the ground and suddenly start sniffing the air, as if there is a disturbance to the pressure in the room, or a new scent. She's done this a few times in the last couple weeks. Then, tonight, I had another experience which made me wonder if you were visiting. Daddy is in Montana this week, so I had to make my own delicious lemon water (nothing special, just ice water with lots of fresh squeezed lemon juice, but I made up that silly name one night, saying that Daddy makes the most delicious lemon water, and the name just stuck). I had just closed the vertical blinds on the sliding glass door. I got the ice from the freezer and when I stood up, about the 4th blind from the left was twisted back behind the other blinds. Abby sometimes weaves herself between the blinds, but tonight, she was lying on the carpet by the front hallway, and nowhere near the slider. I went over and straightened the blinds. I went back to the refrigerator and took out a bottle of water. When I closed the door and turned to the counter, the blinds were crooked again, but in a different way. It's as if y'all were playing in the blinds, but there was no sound, like when Abby rattles them. Nothing like that has ever happened.
This month, on Facebook, I've been participating in Capture Your Grief. It is something created by a grieving mom in Australia to commemorate October as Infant and Child Death Awareness Month. Each day throughout the month, she gave a general theme, and grieving parents are free to post as they see fit to talk about their children. It's seemingly at least semi-private in that non-participants don't seem to be able to view the posts, but of course, with it being on the Internet, nothing is ever really truly private.
Today's theme was Their Names/Their Photos. While we both treasure the few photos we have of each of you, your Daddy is even more fiercely protective of them than I am. To respect his wishes to honor your privacy, I agreed I would not post any close-ups of your photos or your actual photos. Another day I posted the altar at your memorial service, and your pictures may be somewhat visible in the collages Auntie Kelli made for us, which is a future post, but I will have to come up with an acceptable photo that doesn't violate Daddy's wishes. Below is my post for today.
Going along with the title of this post, I am struck by the similarities in the meaning of your names, which is something I don't think I ever realized until today. From the Town in the Hollow and From the Valley Town. We live in the Valley of the Sun. Since I was young, one of my favorite Bible passages has been the 23rd Psalm. Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me. The significance of your names having almost identical meanings strikes me. And then, one of my MISS friends commented that her son's name means "from the western town", and that the 3 of you are covering all geographical bases.
I hope you feel that I'm honoring you both with my Capture Your Grief postings. It is traumatic to read all the grieving parents' stories, and I think of all the precious angels you're playing with in heaven who became angel babies at the end of last year or this year. This may sound really off kilter, but I imagine you as having a core group of friends up there. I think that's why I've made such a connection with their moms, as it was all of your hands drawing us together and making sure we wouldn't have to wallow in our grief alone. All but one was born at 24 or 25 weeks, and all born in December or January, except one who was born a few months later.
Hello my darling Shelby and Dalton,
Another month is almost over. Another month closer to the holidays, which your Daddy and I are both dreading. Another month closer to your 1 year birthday, which may be the hardest day yet, aside from the days you each died. It's been awhile since I've posted and I have so much to talk about, I feel like my fingers won't be able to keep up with my thoughts.
After no weddings in 5 years, we attended 2 weddings in 6 days. Both were beautiful and in lovely settings but each had a different vibe to them. Your Daddy's former colleague married a sweet lady in the wonderfully Mediterranean-like town of Santa Barbara. Daddy participated in that ceremony, sharing in the Filipino custom of the cord that unites the bride and groom. At that rehearsal dinner, we met a gay man who commented that he was getting the first sleep in 3 months from taking care of his newborn twins. My heart stopped, but I had to know if they were boy/girl twins like you, so I asked him their names. Lillian and Lucien. This man seemed a bit pretentious at first, but we later told him our family's story. He shared our sorrow and was sweetly encouraging of our hopes to have living children someday. The other wedding was one of my former colleagues. Watching the groom, it was so beautiful to see the complete and utter love he felt toward my friend the bride. Both were good parties with great music and delicious food.
Your canine sister Abby has been acting a bit strange lately. I asked Daddy if he thought it was because you might be visiting us. He said anything is possible. Abby will be lying on the ground and suddenly start sniffing the air, as if there is a disturbance to the pressure in the room, or a new scent. She's done this a few times in the last couple weeks. Then, tonight, I had another experience which made me wonder if you were visiting. Daddy is in Montana this week, so I had to make my own delicious lemon water (nothing special, just ice water with lots of fresh squeezed lemon juice, but I made up that silly name one night, saying that Daddy makes the most delicious lemon water, and the name just stuck). I had just closed the vertical blinds on the sliding glass door. I got the ice from the freezer and when I stood up, about the 4th blind from the left was twisted back behind the other blinds. Abby sometimes weaves herself between the blinds, but tonight, she was lying on the carpet by the front hallway, and nowhere near the slider. I went over and straightened the blinds. I went back to the refrigerator and took out a bottle of water. When I closed the door and turned to the counter, the blinds were crooked again, but in a different way. It's as if y'all were playing in the blinds, but there was no sound, like when Abby rattles them. Nothing like that has ever happened.
This month, on Facebook, I've been participating in Capture Your Grief. It is something created by a grieving mom in Australia to commemorate October as Infant and Child Death Awareness Month. Each day throughout the month, she gave a general theme, and grieving parents are free to post as they see fit to talk about their children. It's seemingly at least semi-private in that non-participants don't seem to be able to view the posts, but of course, with it being on the Internet, nothing is ever really truly private.
Today's theme was Their Names/Their Photos. While we both treasure the few photos we have of each of you, your Daddy is even more fiercely protective of them than I am. To respect his wishes to honor your privacy, I agreed I would not post any close-ups of your photos or your actual photos. Another day I posted the altar at your memorial service, and your pictures may be somewhat visible in the collages Auntie Kelli made for us, which is a future post, but I will have to come up with an acceptable photo that doesn't violate Daddy's wishes. Below is my post for today.
Going along with the title of this post, I am struck by the similarities in the meaning of your names, which is something I don't think I ever realized until today. From the Town in the Hollow and From the Valley Town. We live in the Valley of the Sun. Since I was young, one of my favorite Bible passages has been the 23rd Psalm. Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me. The significance of your names having almost identical meanings strikes me. And then, one of my MISS friends commented that her son's name means "from the western town", and that the 3 of you are covering all geographical bases.
I hope you feel that I'm honoring you both with my Capture Your Grief postings. It is traumatic to read all the grieving parents' stories, and I think of all the precious angels you're playing with in heaven who became angel babies at the end of last year or this year. This may sound really off kilter, but I imagine you as having a core group of friends up there. I think that's why I've made such a connection with their moms, as it was all of your hands drawing us together and making sure we wouldn't have to wallow in our grief alone. All but one was born at 24 or 25 weeks, and all born in December or January, except one who was born a few months later.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Wednesday October 3, 2012
Hello my darling babies,
Today is a Wednesday, now forever the day of the week most special to me as Wednesday is the day you were born, actually exactly 39 weeks ago tonight. How ironic, 39 weeks, an acceptable length for a "normal" pregnancy. Had I made it to that mark with you, we probably wouldn't even be doing this blog. I just realized today also marks the 23rd anniversary of your great-grandmother Mary's passing (Nana to me). I was a freshman at Baylor, friends with, but not yet roommates with my closest and oldest friend, your Auntie Kelli. When you're an only child, you have to make your family, and therefore, I refer to many of my friends as your Aunties. Anyway, Nana had been sick for a while, and for some reason, your grandma Nancy decided it would be better if they called Kelli first when Nana finally died. Kelli and I had plans to go out that night, although now I couldn't say if it was for dinner or simply to run errands. Kelli came to my room in her bathrobe, and I remember thinking, now, why isn't she ready?! (yes, my legendary impatience rearing its ugly head again). Nana died, my parents called Kelli and she did as they instructed, coming to my room so I wouldn't be alone when they called to tell me about Nana. I don't necessarily agree with that decision, I think it would have been more prudent had they talked with me about Nana being in the hospital when they had visited 10 days earlier for Parents' Weekend. Their decision to not allow me to fly home for Nana's funeral was one with which I definitely don't agree. But, that is not your issue.
I am participating in this 31 day project called Capture Your Grief, started by a grieving Australian mom. As October is National Infant and Child Death Awareness Month, this mom put together 31 different topics on which we can post about, 1 for each day. So far, I have posted a sunrise (well, a picture of the sea & sky from our Alaska cruise in 2010); the picture of me taken on Christmas Eve 2011 when y'all were still with us and we were blissfully ignorant (before loss) and the picture of Daddy and me taken at the Tambo del Inka on our recent Peru trip (after loss). Planner that I am, I've already been thinking about the things I want to say or post for each of the remaining days.
Today, I spent most of the day helping the folks at the MISS Foundation set up for their biannual conference. Your Daddy and I are not going, as Daddy's friend is getting married in Santa Barbara this weekend, and Daddy is in the wedding. I was OK with that at first, but now that I was around the conference set up, I find myself really wishing the wedding wasn't the same weekend as the conference, as I think we both would have benefitted from attending the conference. The conference is held at the Fiesta Inn in Tempe. As I was driving there from the MISS offices, our Tahoe filled with the silent auction baskets, I was thinking there's a bit of irony in the location of the conference. When I was first hired by Deutsche back in 1998, they put me up at the Fiesta, as it was within walking distance of the office. My job at Deutsche is what led me to your Daddy, as he worked there too. We met later that year at a meeting in Las Vegas. As I continued with my Deutsche career and moved out here to be a field manager, I went to the Fiesta for many meetings, and picked up countless field reps there.
I also was thinking about the picture we bought when we were on our Maui trip in 2004. It was by Noelito, featuring the Na Pali coast on Kauai, which we visited on our honeymoon. For some reason, it came to me to today that the painting has twins in the name, for the 2 palm trees at the edge of the painting. That trip strikes me as we were there in November 2004, which is the same time your canine sister was being born. When we adopted Abby, the folks at the humane society asked if we wanted to know her birthday, we said yes. From her microchip, they were able to tell us she was born November 13, 2004. All of these things seem to be so intertwined in our lives. Just like the day you were supposed to be born is your Auntie Leah's birthday, and the day you actually were born is the day after your Aunt Adrienne's birthday.
Another thing that struck me today and almost made me crumble was thinking about something your Auntie Chris said to me last year while I was pregnant with you. She said "It sure is a good thing you got this Tahoe, with the 2 big dogs and now the twins on the way." Now, all we have is the 2 big dogs. The truck will never carry your 2 car seats. I was thinking all this as we were loading the auction gift baskets.
My babies, I am missing you tonight. Love from your momma.
Hello my darling babies,
Today is a Wednesday, now forever the day of the week most special to me as Wednesday is the day you were born, actually exactly 39 weeks ago tonight. How ironic, 39 weeks, an acceptable length for a "normal" pregnancy. Had I made it to that mark with you, we probably wouldn't even be doing this blog. I just realized today also marks the 23rd anniversary of your great-grandmother Mary's passing (Nana to me). I was a freshman at Baylor, friends with, but not yet roommates with my closest and oldest friend, your Auntie Kelli. When you're an only child, you have to make your family, and therefore, I refer to many of my friends as your Aunties. Anyway, Nana had been sick for a while, and for some reason, your grandma Nancy decided it would be better if they called Kelli first when Nana finally died. Kelli and I had plans to go out that night, although now I couldn't say if it was for dinner or simply to run errands. Kelli came to my room in her bathrobe, and I remember thinking, now, why isn't she ready?! (yes, my legendary impatience rearing its ugly head again). Nana died, my parents called Kelli and she did as they instructed, coming to my room so I wouldn't be alone when they called to tell me about Nana. I don't necessarily agree with that decision, I think it would have been more prudent had they talked with me about Nana being in the hospital when they had visited 10 days earlier for Parents' Weekend. Their decision to not allow me to fly home for Nana's funeral was one with which I definitely don't agree. But, that is not your issue.
I am participating in this 31 day project called Capture Your Grief, started by a grieving Australian mom. As October is National Infant and Child Death Awareness Month, this mom put together 31 different topics on which we can post about, 1 for each day. So far, I have posted a sunrise (well, a picture of the sea & sky from our Alaska cruise in 2010); the picture of me taken on Christmas Eve 2011 when y'all were still with us and we were blissfully ignorant (before loss) and the picture of Daddy and me taken at the Tambo del Inka on our recent Peru trip (after loss). Planner that I am, I've already been thinking about the things I want to say or post for each of the remaining days.
Today, I spent most of the day helping the folks at the MISS Foundation set up for their biannual conference. Your Daddy and I are not going, as Daddy's friend is getting married in Santa Barbara this weekend, and Daddy is in the wedding. I was OK with that at first, but now that I was around the conference set up, I find myself really wishing the wedding wasn't the same weekend as the conference, as I think we both would have benefitted from attending the conference. The conference is held at the Fiesta Inn in Tempe. As I was driving there from the MISS offices, our Tahoe filled with the silent auction baskets, I was thinking there's a bit of irony in the location of the conference. When I was first hired by Deutsche back in 1998, they put me up at the Fiesta, as it was within walking distance of the office. My job at Deutsche is what led me to your Daddy, as he worked there too. We met later that year at a meeting in Las Vegas. As I continued with my Deutsche career and moved out here to be a field manager, I went to the Fiesta for many meetings, and picked up countless field reps there.
I also was thinking about the picture we bought when we were on our Maui trip in 2004. It was by Noelito, featuring the Na Pali coast on Kauai, which we visited on our honeymoon. For some reason, it came to me to today that the painting has twins in the name, for the 2 palm trees at the edge of the painting. That trip strikes me as we were there in November 2004, which is the same time your canine sister was being born. When we adopted Abby, the folks at the humane society asked if we wanted to know her birthday, we said yes. From her microchip, they were able to tell us she was born November 13, 2004. All of these things seem to be so intertwined in our lives. Just like the day you were supposed to be born is your Auntie Leah's birthday, and the day you actually were born is the day after your Aunt Adrienne's birthday.
Another thing that struck me today and almost made me crumble was thinking about something your Auntie Chris said to me last year while I was pregnant with you. She said "It sure is a good thing you got this Tahoe, with the 2 big dogs and now the twins on the way." Now, all we have is the 2 big dogs. The truck will never carry your 2 car seats. I was thinking all this as we were loading the auction gift baskets.
My babies, I am missing you tonight. Love from your momma.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Due Date Should Have Been 5 Months Ago
Tuesday September 25, 2012
Shelby and Dalton,
Five months ago today was my estimated due date with you. It also marks the 4 year EDD of my MISS friend A and her twin boys S & G. Counting from your actual birthday, you would be almost 9 months old. I find that hard to believe. I remember your cousin Emily was just a bit older than that last December. We were at Cantina Laredo and somehow she wound up with an order of flan. She devoured it, taking after your Daddy, her uncle, with his love of all things custardlike. Frequently, I wonder what you would be doing at this age. What would be some of your favorite foods? Judging from the food choices you didn't rebel against during our Vegas trip, charcuterie, lobster pot pie, papparadelle with venison ragu, paella and Spanish tapas. As I mentioned in a previous post, it would all depend on the effects of your extreme prematurity.
Time is escaping so quickly. Your father and I are both dreading the holidays. If we could, we would like to disappear from about Daddy's birthday in mid-November until mid-January. Ideally, we'd go somewhere tropical, but I couldn't be without Abby and Ike that long, so we'd probably settle for a driving trip along the Pacific Coast and bring them with us. Unfortunately, that is not possible. There are of course the obvious financial restraints and then also the familial obligations, as we can't simply abandon everyone and pretend the holidays don't exist, as much as we'd like to. I remember last year, I was pregnant with you when Daddy and I were putting up the Christmas tree and decorating it with all the childhood ornaments and all the ones I added to my collection over the past ten years. It always was an activity that made me sweetly melancholy, thinking of your great grandparents and Aunt Jayne, as they gave me many of those ornaments. I told your Daddy I'd have to buy Baby's First Christmas ornaments for you next year. Looking back, I wonder if the stretching and bending had any impact on my body being unable to support you? I even bought an ornament in Peru. I feel guilty for not buying two. Maybe that will be my ornament and I will get you your own special ornaments. And then there's the issue of stockings. Of course, I will want to buy them. People may think it's weird, but I'm still your Momma, even if you're not here with us.
At the MISS meeting last week, I repeated the story of my breakdown at the Cardinals season opener, complete with my reference to RG III and Baylor. A lady sitting 2 people away from me said she went to Baylor too, so we'd have to talk after the meeting. Maybe you've already met S's son, W. He was born in this summer, at 24 weeks 1 day, and lived 3 weeks. It was very strange, it was like the 24 week club. Besides S, there was a couple who lost triplets at 24 weeks. Then also our friends: J, who lost twins A & J at 24 weeks; S who lost A at 24 weeks. I talked with the new S after the meeting, we have some things in common. We "friended" each other on Facebook, and I've been reading her blog. She started her blog while W was still in NICU, and poured so much detail in to her writings, it brought many memories bursting through the floodgates of our family's time in the NICU. There were many similarities to their experience, but some differences. When W died, they spent all day in NICU with him. However, when you died Dalton, we were with you for a couple hours, and your grandparents said goodbye too, but then we had this overwhelming urge to flee from the building as quickly as they would discharge me. We returned later in the day to be with Shelby. A few days later when Shelby died, it was such a different experience than when Dalton died. Shelby, it seemed you were immediately gone from us as soon as they stopped working on you. Everything about your death was so different than Dalton's death. It was almost as if a dark cloud of anger, anguish, rage and betrayal enveloped us after Shelby's death. Maybe it was because we truly had no hope left after that moment. Daddy didn't let Grandma Kay & Grandpa Larry come back to the hospital. They'd been there with Daddy an hour before your death, but Daddy didn't want them coming back. The only reason Grandpa Joe & Grandma Nancy got to say goodbye to you was because they had brought me back to the hospital after evening shift change.
My babies, I think about all the things we would have been doing together over the past few months. You would have gone walking with the dogs and me this morning. We probably would not be getting ready to go to Daddy's former colleague's wedding next weekend, as I wouldn't have wanted to leave you. Maybe we would have brought you with us, although with it being an adults only reception, that would have presented some challenges. I wouldn't have trusted any old babysitter the hotel provided. We probably either would have skipped the wedding or been forced to bring one or the other set of your grandparents along, to watch you during the rehearsal dinner and wedding. Your daddy had so many trips planned with you. Again, not to seem trivial or shallow by talking about seemingly frivolous things such as football, travel and food, but those are all things about which Daddy and I are passionate and we would give anything to have been able share those passions with you for more than the 6 months you were physically present in our lives.
Signing off for today my loves,
Momma
Shelby and Dalton,
Five months ago today was my estimated due date with you. It also marks the 4 year EDD of my MISS friend A and her twin boys S & G. Counting from your actual birthday, you would be almost 9 months old. I find that hard to believe. I remember your cousin Emily was just a bit older than that last December. We were at Cantina Laredo and somehow she wound up with an order of flan. She devoured it, taking after your Daddy, her uncle, with his love of all things custardlike. Frequently, I wonder what you would be doing at this age. What would be some of your favorite foods? Judging from the food choices you didn't rebel against during our Vegas trip, charcuterie, lobster pot pie, papparadelle with venison ragu, paella and Spanish tapas. As I mentioned in a previous post, it would all depend on the effects of your extreme prematurity.
Time is escaping so quickly. Your father and I are both dreading the holidays. If we could, we would like to disappear from about Daddy's birthday in mid-November until mid-January. Ideally, we'd go somewhere tropical, but I couldn't be without Abby and Ike that long, so we'd probably settle for a driving trip along the Pacific Coast and bring them with us. Unfortunately, that is not possible. There are of course the obvious financial restraints and then also the familial obligations, as we can't simply abandon everyone and pretend the holidays don't exist, as much as we'd like to. I remember last year, I was pregnant with you when Daddy and I were putting up the Christmas tree and decorating it with all the childhood ornaments and all the ones I added to my collection over the past ten years. It always was an activity that made me sweetly melancholy, thinking of your great grandparents and Aunt Jayne, as they gave me many of those ornaments. I told your Daddy I'd have to buy Baby's First Christmas ornaments for you next year. Looking back, I wonder if the stretching and bending had any impact on my body being unable to support you? I even bought an ornament in Peru. I feel guilty for not buying two. Maybe that will be my ornament and I will get you your own special ornaments. And then there's the issue of stockings. Of course, I will want to buy them. People may think it's weird, but I'm still your Momma, even if you're not here with us.
At the MISS meeting last week, I repeated the story of my breakdown at the Cardinals season opener, complete with my reference to RG III and Baylor. A lady sitting 2 people away from me said she went to Baylor too, so we'd have to talk after the meeting. Maybe you've already met S's son, W. He was born in this summer, at 24 weeks 1 day, and lived 3 weeks. It was very strange, it was like the 24 week club. Besides S, there was a couple who lost triplets at 24 weeks. Then also our friends: J, who lost twins A & J at 24 weeks; S who lost A at 24 weeks. I talked with the new S after the meeting, we have some things in common. We "friended" each other on Facebook, and I've been reading her blog. She started her blog while W was still in NICU, and poured so much detail in to her writings, it brought many memories bursting through the floodgates of our family's time in the NICU. There were many similarities to their experience, but some differences. When W died, they spent all day in NICU with him. However, when you died Dalton, we were with you for a couple hours, and your grandparents said goodbye too, but then we had this overwhelming urge to flee from the building as quickly as they would discharge me. We returned later in the day to be with Shelby. A few days later when Shelby died, it was such a different experience than when Dalton died. Shelby, it seemed you were immediately gone from us as soon as they stopped working on you. Everything about your death was so different than Dalton's death. It was almost as if a dark cloud of anger, anguish, rage and betrayal enveloped us after Shelby's death. Maybe it was because we truly had no hope left after that moment. Daddy didn't let Grandma Kay & Grandpa Larry come back to the hospital. They'd been there with Daddy an hour before your death, but Daddy didn't want them coming back. The only reason Grandpa Joe & Grandma Nancy got to say goodbye to you was because they had brought me back to the hospital after evening shift change.
My babies, I think about all the things we would have been doing together over the past few months. You would have gone walking with the dogs and me this morning. We probably would not be getting ready to go to Daddy's former colleague's wedding next weekend, as I wouldn't have wanted to leave you. Maybe we would have brought you with us, although with it being an adults only reception, that would have presented some challenges. I wouldn't have trusted any old babysitter the hotel provided. We probably either would have skipped the wedding or been forced to bring one or the other set of your grandparents along, to watch you during the rehearsal dinner and wedding. Your daddy had so many trips planned with you. Again, not to seem trivial or shallow by talking about seemingly frivolous things such as football, travel and food, but those are all things about which Daddy and I are passionate and we would give anything to have been able share those passions with you for more than the 6 months you were physically present in our lives.
Signing off for today my loves,
Momma
Monday, September 24, 2012
Visiting Machu Picchu
Originally written Monday September 10, 2012
We're
back from Peru. Did you see the signs I made for you? Your
Daddy and I took photos with them at Machu Picchu and Tambo del Inka
and on the beach at the Doubletree in Paracas. I hope you liked them. I
made one for your friend Chloe too. Her momma Nikki is having an
especially hard time right now. I want to send her the
pictures of Chloe's sign and the shells we found on the beach, but I'm
afraid it might make her feel even more overwhelmed with grief than she
already is. As you probably saw, on the first morning we walked on the
beach, we were repulsed by all the gross jellyfish washed up on shore.
I'd never seen jellyfish up close. I had no idea they came in so many
colors, patterns and sizes. But, we also found two beautiful perfect
scallop shells. I couldn't believe it, two, just perfect, one for each
of you. Saturday night, when we were walking over to the adjacent hotel
for dinner, I found another scallop shell. I wanted to pick it up for
Chloe. Daddy said to wait and get it on the way back to our hotel after
dinner. But, after taking a few steps away from the shell, I went
back, picked it up, washed it off and put it in my jacket pocket. I'm
so glad I did, because the rest of our time there, I never saw another
perfectly intact scallop shell. Now, Chloe can have one too. While we
were on the terrace of our hotel room at Tambo del Inka, your Daddy told
me he'd been watching one of the trees waving in the breeze. That tree
split in two from the main trunk and both branches were waving in
the wind. He told me he decided it was the Shelby and Dalton tree.
Momma wanted to take your pictures out and sit with them while we were
in the cathedral in Lima, but I was afraid I'd start crying and not be
able to stop. You were with us every step of the way on that trip yet
the most ironic thing is that we wouldn't have even taken that trip if
you'd survived.
Yesterday,
we went to the Cardinals season opener
with Grandpa Larry and Uncle Bill. Grandpa Joe and Grandma
Nancy work the games, so they were there too. It may seem incredibly trivial to write about football, but football has been part of my life since shortly after I was born. The story is on Sundays, I used to sit with your Grandpa Joe and Great-Grandpa Stanley and just take in everything about football. Supposedly, I even uttered some version of a then-famous quarterback's name before I said Momma. After I moved to Arizona, your Daddy told me how happy he was that I liked football so much, as he would finally have someone to go to Cardinals games with him.
So, it's the 2012 season, what should have been your first year to "watch football". I was fine at first,
even as we walked through the fan shop and I saw all the infant and
children items available. We got to our seats and I was still fine. I was being
my usual obnoxious self, going off on tangents to your Daddy about many different things: how
well Robert Griffin III was doing in his professional debut, how
much I dislike the Seahawks and their coach, and how I was going
to yell loudly for my favorite players, depending on if they announced offense or defense (for Larry Fitzgerald and Lyle Sendlein (UT), or Adrian Wilson, Darnell Dockett and Sam Acho
(UT) ). Well, the defense was announced,
and I started yelling and doing the Hook Em Horns sign for Sam Acho, but
the yell was quickly replaced by choking sobs. I put on my sunglasses
and tried to pull myself together, but the tears lasted through the
national
anthem. I kept wishing Nikki was in the open seat next to me. I don't
know what came over me, but watching the player intros just broke my
heart. I guess it made me think about how y'all should have been there
with us, going to your first NFL game. I guess I was also thinking
about all the dreams I had of Dalton being a long snapper. It just
killed me. Then, there were pregnant women with big huge bellies all
around, as well as several infants. On the Jumbotron, they showed one
dad with his baby, I couldn't tell if it was a boy or girl, but it
looked like my baby pictures with all that dark hair and the dad had put
noise cancelling earphones on the baby's head to protect his or her
hearing. There was another mother carrying a blond girl up and down the
stairs in our section. I felt like the child was just staring at me
each time they passed. And then of course, there were twins on the
offensive
lines for each team. They were kinda dorky looking, each 6'7" and over
300 pounds. Not that y'all would have been dorky looking or that big,
it's just the fact that there were TWINS playing in the game. Daddy and
I took that as a sign y'all were saying hi. And of course, Monday
Night Football tonight featured the Cincinnati Bengals with their QB,
Andy Dalton. Daddy asked me if I was watching the game and hearing your
name. Of course I was.
I
took Uncle Billy and Daddy to the airport this
morning, uncle so he could go back home to Colorado Springs and Daddy
off to business in Texas. So it's just me and your dog siblings. Abby
seems to be recovering from her ear hematoma. She's such a good dog,
she'd have been so protective of you as your canine big sister. Ike
made an ass of himself on Saturday night when we had everyone over for
lasagna. He was crazy in the pool, nipping at Abby and trying to mount
her. Then, later on, he was barking loudly in your cousin Emily's
face. I did not like that behavior. I don't know what is wrong with
him, but we'll monitor him closely in the future. I don't know if he
was bothered by all the inconsistencies over the past two weeks with us
gone, then back, then everyone over. I think Daddy may have to really
re-establish himself as the strong pack leader.
That's all for now my darlings, as I had originally started writing that 2 weeks ago tonight, and I'm afraid I forgot what else I wanted to write about then.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Looking Back
My dearest Shelby and Dalton,
32 weeks ago tomorrow you were born. It's impossible, some days it seems completely surreal, like we should wake up from the worst nightmare of our lives and yet others it seems like a lifetime ago that you were here with us. A year ago, I was newly pregnant, although we hadn't yet officially gotten confirmation.
Your Daddy and I have been so low lately. Perhaps because it's approaching the year mark of when we first found out we were having twins. Maybe it's because it's so hard going on with our incredibly empty lives, marking the days until we can try again, yet knowing there will always be holes in our hearts no matter how many children we may be gifted with. I'm still feeling some effects from the c-section. We're both stuck in this time warp, feeling helpless. At least Daddy has his job and related travel. Every week is a new experience, as he's in a different city or working with a different client. I sit at home, finding myself wallowing.
This week, I try to be more productive, running errands, organizing paperwork and prepping for our trip to Peru. I tended both the front and back yards, and did a bit of housework. I went to bingo with another MISS mommy and both of our moms. It was an OK way to pass a few hours, but she and I both felt our minds wandering. She too lost twins in November 2010, then a third daughter this past June. She just found out they think the latest loss may have been related to an inflamed cervix. This was a new term to me, and of course, my mind started playing the "what if" game again. What if my cervix was inflamed? Did that contribute to it being "incompetent"? (God I hate that term, I was never incompetent at anything in my life, until now, until the most important thing at which I should NOT have been incompetent, carrying y'all through a full-term pregnancy). What if they did a cerclage? What if we would have paid more attention to the warning signs of preterm labor? What if things wouldn't have deteriorated so quickly from the 12th of December to the 25th of December? What if I demanded better answers from my doctor when I told him about my early-stage urine leakage issues? Was that a sign I would suffer preterm labor?
Then, I thought of all the various "milestones" in the brief time I was pregnant. What was always a strength for me with being good with numbers and dates is now a curse, as so many dates are painful reminders of things I would have done differently or things I never got to experience. The 11th of October, which marked the end of my 1st trimester, yet it was also the day they announced the year-end closing of our office. I remember simultaneously being terrified, pissed, sad and uncertain. I thought it was particularly shitty of them to rain on my parade. I had so many plans to tell Marcus and our other friends that day. Instead, it felt like a piece of my world was shattering. Chris and I just hugged and cried.
We carefully planned the way we would tell your grandparents. We would have told all of them at the same time, but logistically with one set in Pinetop and the other in Texas, the best we could do was a 6 day lag. We told Daddy's parents October 29. Grandma Kay cried and was so excited, and Grandpa Larry exclaimed "Hallelujah" when we stressed that it was going to be twins. Then, we told my parents November 4 by presenting them with Baylor Grandparents T-shirts. Grandpa Joe seemed in shock, but what really shocked us was Grandma Nancy's reaction. Never one to fawn over babies or put any pressure on us for grandchildren, she seemed truly happy for us. She cried tears of genuine happiness.
From the instant Daddy's parents found out, Grandma Kay wanted to buy just about every baby supply out there. She announced they wanted to buy the cribs. She wanted us to decorate the nursery. November flew by in a blur, with Grandma Nancy and Grandpa Joe's visit and then our trip to Las Vegas for my birthday. It was funny because y'all had routinely made me sick each afternoon. During our time in Vegas, when we enjoyed some very lovely meals at Nob Hill Tavern, Sirio and Jose Andres' Jaleo, y'all must have really been content with the good (and expensive) gourmet food, because you didn't give me nausea once during our time there. Then, upon our return, we shared a small pizza from our neighborhood place and within 30 minutes, I was standing over the kitchen sink, purging it all! I joked with Daddy that y'all were going to cost us plenty.
Then December rolled around. Chris insisted she throw us a baby shower at work, even though I told her I didn't want one. Your Grandma Nancy always carried on about how she never had a shower with me and she was superstitious about them being bad luck. However, Chris said I had to have one before the office closed, so my shower was planned for December 6. Everyone was so generous to me and Chris did a lovely job on the decorations. I saved the "diaper layer cake" Alicia made to show our parents at Christmas, and I planned to use the diapers on you. We received over 400 diapers, and $400 in cash and gift cards, plus various gifts.
Sometime during that week of December 6, I had a horrible dream that was so shockingly real when I awoke, I was afraid to get out of bed. I reached for the phone and called Daddy, as it absolutely terrorized me. In the dream, I woke up in a pool of blood. As I gathered my senses and realized it was a dream, I was so afraid if I stood up from the bed, I would find it was actually true and that we had lost you. Your Daddy talked me "down off the ledge", rationalizing it was probably just hormonal, asking if it felt like the sheets were wet. When I told him no, he then said he would stay on the phone with me while I went to bathroom and made sure there was no blood. Luckily, there wasn't, not even a tiny pin-size droplet. I felt immense relief. On our drive to work that morning, I relayed the dream to Chris. She didn't say much, but she was insistent I tell my OB. I told her it was probably just nothing, yet she was adamant. So at my appointment on the 9th, I mentioned it. He said it was probably nothing and that I shouldn't worry about it. Later on, after you died, Chris reminded me of that dream and said that when she first heard about it, her blood ran cold, for a cousin of hers had a similar dream, and then her baby died. That's why Chris had been so insistent I tell the doctor about it, so they could check me thoroughly and make sure everything was OK.
On the evening of the 9th, we went to dinner with your Uncle Ryan, Aunt Violet, cousin Emily, Grandma Kay and Grandpa Larry. After dinner, Uncle, Auntie and cousin went home while your grandparents, Daddy and I went to browse at Babies R Us. Your Daddy was amazed at all of the various gear and paraphernalia we would need. We picked a few cribs that we liked, trying to be mindful and not select the priciest model. Grandma was ready to buy everything that night, but we asked her to bear with us, and probably after the new year, we could make a final decision. We naively thought that when my office closed, we would have all of January, February, March and at least a bit of April to relaxingly plan and shop and decorate.
Then, on Monday December 12th, we had our second ultrasound. The first was when we confirmed you were twins. They asked us if we wanted to know your sex, but we wanted to be surprised. Everything went smoothly, the tech took 99 pictures (more than double what she took of other mothers whose profiles appeared on the screen). I cried, of course. I remember thinking I had never seen such perfection. The profile pics of your heads were completely flawless, perfectly round. Your Grandma Kay said one of you looked just like Daddy, which cracked us all up, for the photos were just outlines of your skulls and necks. The tech told us everything looked good, explaining the many things they looked at and that you were in normal ranges with no sign of Down Syndrome. We then met with the doctor, who spent a good bit of time with us, including a review of the dangers of pre-term labor. I don't remember all of them, but I do know high blood pressure was one, and if the differential between your estimated weights became greater than 20% was another, but on that day, it was lower than 20% (I'm so mad at myself for not remembering exactly. Perhaps your Daddy remembers) and throughout the entire pregnancy, my blood pressure never spiked.
On Christmas Eve, while gathered for our Southern Italian heritage tradition of the Festa dei Sette Pesci, Grandma Kay again started pressuring us to get the nursery decorated. I don't know why she was in such a hurry, considering we thought we would have at least another 15 weeks until you made your arrival, and with me not working, much time to devote to preparing everything for you. As you know, Grandma Kay can be rather persistent and one-dimensional in her focus. I very politely told her to back off, I would appreciate it if she would just let me get through the sad time of our office closing before I shifted my focus to decorating the nursery.
Looking back, it chills me to review the various things I detailed above. Were they all signs that you wouldn't be with us? The nightmare about waking up in blood, the reluctance to have a baby shower, the stalling on the decorating of your nursery, the lecture from the maternal-fetal medicine specialist about the risks of preterm labor. On Christmas Day, feeling terrible and telling your Daddy I didn't know how I was going to make it through another 15 weeks. I was cramping and having pains in my lower back, as well as being sick with a cold, cough, fever and sore throat. I just didn't realize the cramps were the start of the preterm labor.
So many things we missed out on only being pregnant with you for 24 weeks. We didn't get to take the hospital tour of the maternity ward, or participate in any birthing classes. We were robbed of so much, the full pregnancy, a natural childbirth and delivery (well OK, at least not a caesarian), seeing your eyes open, feeding you, really holding you without the encumbrances of all the wires and tubes, dressing you in carefully selected outfits for coming home, introducing you to your canine siblings Abby and Ike (although they already knew you, especially Ike, who used to stand in front of my pregnant belly as if he was trying to "talk" to you)
My babies, I have carried on for quite a bit. I guess I had a lot to say tonight. I'm going to say goodnight for now and pray you'll visit me in happy dreams. I love you both with all my heart.
32 weeks ago tomorrow you were born. It's impossible, some days it seems completely surreal, like we should wake up from the worst nightmare of our lives and yet others it seems like a lifetime ago that you were here with us. A year ago, I was newly pregnant, although we hadn't yet officially gotten confirmation.
Your Daddy and I have been so low lately. Perhaps because it's approaching the year mark of when we first found out we were having twins. Maybe it's because it's so hard going on with our incredibly empty lives, marking the days until we can try again, yet knowing there will always be holes in our hearts no matter how many children we may be gifted with. I'm still feeling some effects from the c-section. We're both stuck in this time warp, feeling helpless. At least Daddy has his job and related travel. Every week is a new experience, as he's in a different city or working with a different client. I sit at home, finding myself wallowing.
This week, I try to be more productive, running errands, organizing paperwork and prepping for our trip to Peru. I tended both the front and back yards, and did a bit of housework. I went to bingo with another MISS mommy and both of our moms. It was an OK way to pass a few hours, but she and I both felt our minds wandering. She too lost twins in November 2010, then a third daughter this past June. She just found out they think the latest loss may have been related to an inflamed cervix. This was a new term to me, and of course, my mind started playing the "what if" game again. What if my cervix was inflamed? Did that contribute to it being "incompetent"? (God I hate that term, I was never incompetent at anything in my life, until now, until the most important thing at which I should NOT have been incompetent, carrying y'all through a full-term pregnancy). What if they did a cerclage? What if we would have paid more attention to the warning signs of preterm labor? What if things wouldn't have deteriorated so quickly from the 12th of December to the 25th of December? What if I demanded better answers from my doctor when I told him about my early-stage urine leakage issues? Was that a sign I would suffer preterm labor?
Then, I thought of all the various "milestones" in the brief time I was pregnant. What was always a strength for me with being good with numbers and dates is now a curse, as so many dates are painful reminders of things I would have done differently or things I never got to experience. The 11th of October, which marked the end of my 1st trimester, yet it was also the day they announced the year-end closing of our office. I remember simultaneously being terrified, pissed, sad and uncertain. I thought it was particularly shitty of them to rain on my parade. I had so many plans to tell Marcus and our other friends that day. Instead, it felt like a piece of my world was shattering. Chris and I just hugged and cried.
We carefully planned the way we would tell your grandparents. We would have told all of them at the same time, but logistically with one set in Pinetop and the other in Texas, the best we could do was a 6 day lag. We told Daddy's parents October 29. Grandma Kay cried and was so excited, and Grandpa Larry exclaimed "Hallelujah" when we stressed that it was going to be twins. Then, we told my parents November 4 by presenting them with Baylor Grandparents T-shirts. Grandpa Joe seemed in shock, but what really shocked us was Grandma Nancy's reaction. Never one to fawn over babies or put any pressure on us for grandchildren, she seemed truly happy for us. She cried tears of genuine happiness.
From the instant Daddy's parents found out, Grandma Kay wanted to buy just about every baby supply out there. She announced they wanted to buy the cribs. She wanted us to decorate the nursery. November flew by in a blur, with Grandma Nancy and Grandpa Joe's visit and then our trip to Las Vegas for my birthday. It was funny because y'all had routinely made me sick each afternoon. During our time in Vegas, when we enjoyed some very lovely meals at Nob Hill Tavern, Sirio and Jose Andres' Jaleo, y'all must have really been content with the good (and expensive) gourmet food, because you didn't give me nausea once during our time there. Then, upon our return, we shared a small pizza from our neighborhood place and within 30 minutes, I was standing over the kitchen sink, purging it all! I joked with Daddy that y'all were going to cost us plenty.
Then December rolled around. Chris insisted she throw us a baby shower at work, even though I told her I didn't want one. Your Grandma Nancy always carried on about how she never had a shower with me and she was superstitious about them being bad luck. However, Chris said I had to have one before the office closed, so my shower was planned for December 6. Everyone was so generous to me and Chris did a lovely job on the decorations. I saved the "diaper layer cake" Alicia made to show our parents at Christmas, and I planned to use the diapers on you. We received over 400 diapers, and $400 in cash and gift cards, plus various gifts.
Sometime during that week of December 6, I had a horrible dream that was so shockingly real when I awoke, I was afraid to get out of bed. I reached for the phone and called Daddy, as it absolutely terrorized me. In the dream, I woke up in a pool of blood. As I gathered my senses and realized it was a dream, I was so afraid if I stood up from the bed, I would find it was actually true and that we had lost you. Your Daddy talked me "down off the ledge", rationalizing it was probably just hormonal, asking if it felt like the sheets were wet. When I told him no, he then said he would stay on the phone with me while I went to bathroom and made sure there was no blood. Luckily, there wasn't, not even a tiny pin-size droplet. I felt immense relief. On our drive to work that morning, I relayed the dream to Chris. She didn't say much, but she was insistent I tell my OB. I told her it was probably just nothing, yet she was adamant. So at my appointment on the 9th, I mentioned it. He said it was probably nothing and that I shouldn't worry about it. Later on, after you died, Chris reminded me of that dream and said that when she first heard about it, her blood ran cold, for a cousin of hers had a similar dream, and then her baby died. That's why Chris had been so insistent I tell the doctor about it, so they could check me thoroughly and make sure everything was OK.
On the evening of the 9th, we went to dinner with your Uncle Ryan, Aunt Violet, cousin Emily, Grandma Kay and Grandpa Larry. After dinner, Uncle, Auntie and cousin went home while your grandparents, Daddy and I went to browse at Babies R Us. Your Daddy was amazed at all of the various gear and paraphernalia we would need. We picked a few cribs that we liked, trying to be mindful and not select the priciest model. Grandma was ready to buy everything that night, but we asked her to bear with us, and probably after the new year, we could make a final decision. We naively thought that when my office closed, we would have all of January, February, March and at least a bit of April to relaxingly plan and shop and decorate.
Then, on Monday December 12th, we had our second ultrasound. The first was when we confirmed you were twins. They asked us if we wanted to know your sex, but we wanted to be surprised. Everything went smoothly, the tech took 99 pictures (more than double what she took of other mothers whose profiles appeared on the screen). I cried, of course. I remember thinking I had never seen such perfection. The profile pics of your heads were completely flawless, perfectly round. Your Grandma Kay said one of you looked just like Daddy, which cracked us all up, for the photos were just outlines of your skulls and necks. The tech told us everything looked good, explaining the many things they looked at and that you were in normal ranges with no sign of Down Syndrome. We then met with the doctor, who spent a good bit of time with us, including a review of the dangers of pre-term labor. I don't remember all of them, but I do know high blood pressure was one, and if the differential between your estimated weights became greater than 20% was another, but on that day, it was lower than 20% (I'm so mad at myself for not remembering exactly. Perhaps your Daddy remembers) and throughout the entire pregnancy, my blood pressure never spiked.
On Christmas Eve, while gathered for our Southern Italian heritage tradition of the Festa dei Sette Pesci, Grandma Kay again started pressuring us to get the nursery decorated. I don't know why she was in such a hurry, considering we thought we would have at least another 15 weeks until you made your arrival, and with me not working, much time to devote to preparing everything for you. As you know, Grandma Kay can be rather persistent and one-dimensional in her focus. I very politely told her to back off, I would appreciate it if she would just let me get through the sad time of our office closing before I shifted my focus to decorating the nursery.
Looking back, it chills me to review the various things I detailed above. Were they all signs that you wouldn't be with us? The nightmare about waking up in blood, the reluctance to have a baby shower, the stalling on the decorating of your nursery, the lecture from the maternal-fetal medicine specialist about the risks of preterm labor. On Christmas Day, feeling terrible and telling your Daddy I didn't know how I was going to make it through another 15 weeks. I was cramping and having pains in my lower back, as well as being sick with a cold, cough, fever and sore throat. I just didn't realize the cramps were the start of the preterm labor.
So many things we missed out on only being pregnant with you for 24 weeks. We didn't get to take the hospital tour of the maternity ward, or participate in any birthing classes. We were robbed of so much, the full pregnancy, a natural childbirth and delivery (well OK, at least not a caesarian), seeing your eyes open, feeding you, really holding you without the encumbrances of all the wires and tubes, dressing you in carefully selected outfits for coming home, introducing you to your canine siblings Abby and Ike (although they already knew you, especially Ike, who used to stand in front of my pregnant belly as if he was trying to "talk" to you)
My babies, I have carried on for quite a bit. I guess I had a lot to say tonight. I'm going to say goodnight for now and pray you'll visit me in happy dreams. I love you both with all my heart.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
30 weeks ago
Hello my darlings,
30 weeks ago tonight, I was just about waking up from the anesthesia after our c-section. I struggled so hard to stay awake as long as I could to see you, but I didn't make it, the anesthesia took over and I passed out. I am grateful I was able to fight the anesthesia long enough to hear your only cries. Your 7-month old birthday would be this Saturday, 8/4. I'm all goofed up on the calculations, as it doesn't make sense that today marks 30 weeks since your entry into this world, but Saturday is 7 months (in my mind 28 weeks). I know it all makes sense, as there are some months with 5 weeks, and that 30 weeks ago was the day you were born, as I even carefully and precisely counted backwards on the calendar. Today should have been the day you were 14 weeks old, assuming your estimated due date of April 25.
Last Friday, when I picked your Daddy up at the airport, we took all the clothes to West Valley Child Crisis Center to donate in your memory as part of MISS Foundation's International Random Acts of Kindness Day. I'm really happy we chose them, as they were so gracious. We walked in and this lady (Tabitha) came out from a back room. We asked her if we could donate baby clothes, and she said yes, they would gladly take them. I told her the reason for our donation, that we'd been helped by MISS and about their Random Acts project and that we chose 6-month old size clothes as that's the age our Shelby and Dalton would have been. Then we went out to get the gift bags (10 onesies for a boy, 10 for a girl, along with 2 little "romper suits" as your grandma would call them). When we came back, she told us they were so honored to accept our donations and help us celebrate our children. It made me feel like it was the right thing to do.
What would we be doing with you? That's so hard to say, as there are 3 answers to that question. Assuming you would soon be 7 months old, 2 things could be happening. In one scenario, my mind wonders if you would have been battling any health issues due to your extreme prematurity? If so, I imagine we would have had a bevy of specialist appointments, struggling to do the right thing if you were deemed "medically fragile". The other scenario, assuming you were soon to be 7 months old, is that you would not have any challenges, other than your extremely small size, probably that of a typical 3 or 4 month old infant. And finally, in the dream scenario that assumed I had a "normal" pregnancy and you were now 14 weeks old, I assume I would be like all the other new mommies who obnoxiously and disgustingly live in a world of blissful ignorance, not knowing the black emptiness of losing their infants.
I'm in a dark, dark place. Right after you first died, I found myself vowing to live a more positive life, not immerse myself in feeling of hatred, anger, jealousy, envy. Seven short months later, and I find I am embarassed at my bitterness. Please help me, Shelby and Dalton, to live a life in which you would have been proud to have me as your momma.
I love you.
30 weeks ago tonight, I was just about waking up from the anesthesia after our c-section. I struggled so hard to stay awake as long as I could to see you, but I didn't make it, the anesthesia took over and I passed out. I am grateful I was able to fight the anesthesia long enough to hear your only cries. Your 7-month old birthday would be this Saturday, 8/4. I'm all goofed up on the calculations, as it doesn't make sense that today marks 30 weeks since your entry into this world, but Saturday is 7 months (in my mind 28 weeks). I know it all makes sense, as there are some months with 5 weeks, and that 30 weeks ago was the day you were born, as I even carefully and precisely counted backwards on the calendar. Today should have been the day you were 14 weeks old, assuming your estimated due date of April 25.
Last Friday, when I picked your Daddy up at the airport, we took all the clothes to West Valley Child Crisis Center to donate in your memory as part of MISS Foundation's International Random Acts of Kindness Day. I'm really happy we chose them, as they were so gracious. We walked in and this lady (Tabitha) came out from a back room. We asked her if we could donate baby clothes, and she said yes, they would gladly take them. I told her the reason for our donation, that we'd been helped by MISS and about their Random Acts project and that we chose 6-month old size clothes as that's the age our Shelby and Dalton would have been. Then we went out to get the gift bags (10 onesies for a boy, 10 for a girl, along with 2 little "romper suits" as your grandma would call them). When we came back, she told us they were so honored to accept our donations and help us celebrate our children. It made me feel like it was the right thing to do.
What would we be doing with you? That's so hard to say, as there are 3 answers to that question. Assuming you would soon be 7 months old, 2 things could be happening. In one scenario, my mind wonders if you would have been battling any health issues due to your extreme prematurity? If so, I imagine we would have had a bevy of specialist appointments, struggling to do the right thing if you were deemed "medically fragile". The other scenario, assuming you were soon to be 7 months old, is that you would not have any challenges, other than your extremely small size, probably that of a typical 3 or 4 month old infant. And finally, in the dream scenario that assumed I had a "normal" pregnancy and you were now 14 weeks old, I assume I would be like all the other new mommies who obnoxiously and disgustingly live in a world of blissful ignorance, not knowing the black emptiness of losing their infants.
I'm in a dark, dark place. Right after you first died, I found myself vowing to live a more positive life, not immerse myself in feeling of hatred, anger, jealousy, envy. Seven short months later, and I find I am embarassed at my bitterness. Please help me, Shelby and Dalton, to live a life in which you would have been proud to have me as your momma.
I love you.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
6 months and 3 weeks
Happy 6 month and 3 week birthday Shelby and Dalton.
Or, happy 3 month birthday, according to what was your estimated due date. I know I'm probably way obsessed with each week. I think back to when I was pregnant with you and counting off each week. What I would give to have made it to 37 weeks with you, which would have put your birthday on April 4. Wednesdays are hard for me, as are Sundays and Thursdays. I was watching the "new" Dallas on TV tonight, the character Christopher Ewing just found out his wife is 9 weeks pregnant with twins. Was that y'all saying "hi"? Seems like I keep hearing about more twins, everywhere I look, everywhere I go.
It will be a short post tonight, nothing really new to add. If you sent the clear skies, I thank you, for hopefully they will last throughout the night and Abby won't get all freaked out by potential storms, wind and thunder.
Momma loves you
Or, happy 3 month birthday, according to what was your estimated due date. I know I'm probably way obsessed with each week. I think back to when I was pregnant with you and counting off each week. What I would give to have made it to 37 weeks with you, which would have put your birthday on April 4. Wednesdays are hard for me, as are Sundays and Thursdays. I was watching the "new" Dallas on TV tonight, the character Christopher Ewing just found out his wife is 9 weeks pregnant with twins. Was that y'all saying "hi"? Seems like I keep hearing about more twins, everywhere I look, everywhere I go.
It will be a short post tonight, nothing really new to add. If you sent the clear skies, I thank you, for hopefully they will last throughout the night and Abby won't get all freaked out by potential storms, wind and thunder.
Momma loves you
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Sorta Better Today
Tuesday July 24, 2012
My babies Shelby and Dalton,
I always refer to you that way as that was your birth order. Just like I always have to place your things in the "correct order" in my minds eye. I always put Shelby's things on the left and Dalton's on the right as that was how you were in my womb. I found out Samuel and Gabriel's mom does the same thing. Must be a twin thing.
Today was slightly better than yesterday. I went to get the car serviced, then had quite a bit of time before meeting my friend for lunch, so I went to Tempe Marketplace. The JCPenney didn't open until 10, so I then drove over past Target but didn't really feel like going in there. Ulta wasn't open until 10 either, but I noticed Ross was open, so I went in there to look for baby clothes for the project we're doing for the MISS Foundation International Random Acts of Kindness Day this Friday. I really don't care for Ross, never shop there and always feel icky walking in there. I sorted through the racks and found several multi-packs of onesies. I picked out several, then I circled again and there was the most unbelievable item hanging on the rack ~ a University of Texas Longhorns onesie. I couldn't believe it! Given our location, I would not have been at all surprised if it were ASU or U of A, but a Longhorn onesie?!?!? REALLY?! I of course snatched it up. It was only $1.99!! I really think it was a little sign from y'all that you liked what we're planning to do for Friday. I know neither your Daddy nor I went to UT, but I just can't explain why I like UT so much, but once I moved from Texas, I LOVE the Longhorns. Maybe it's because I love Bevo so much, he's the most beautiful longhorn and such a gorgeous symbol of our state. Your Daddy just doesn't understand it, but he doesn't have to. In our house, you would have learned all about Allison logic. It's what Daddy calls it when I get my mind stuck on something having to be a certain way, and although it defies all rational thought, it MUST happen or be done that way.
Short post today, but just checking in with you and sending my love.
My babies Shelby and Dalton,
I always refer to you that way as that was your birth order. Just like I always have to place your things in the "correct order" in my minds eye. I always put Shelby's things on the left and Dalton's on the right as that was how you were in my womb. I found out Samuel and Gabriel's mom does the same thing. Must be a twin thing.
Today was slightly better than yesterday. I went to get the car serviced, then had quite a bit of time before meeting my friend for lunch, so I went to Tempe Marketplace. The JCPenney didn't open until 10, so I then drove over past Target but didn't really feel like going in there. Ulta wasn't open until 10 either, but I noticed Ross was open, so I went in there to look for baby clothes for the project we're doing for the MISS Foundation International Random Acts of Kindness Day this Friday. I really don't care for Ross, never shop there and always feel icky walking in there. I sorted through the racks and found several multi-packs of onesies. I picked out several, then I circled again and there was the most unbelievable item hanging on the rack ~ a University of Texas Longhorns onesie. I couldn't believe it! Given our location, I would not have been at all surprised if it were ASU or U of A, but a Longhorn onesie?!?!? REALLY?! I of course snatched it up. It was only $1.99!! I really think it was a little sign from y'all that you liked what we're planning to do for Friday. I know neither your Daddy nor I went to UT, but I just can't explain why I like UT so much, but once I moved from Texas, I LOVE the Longhorns. Maybe it's because I love Bevo so much, he's the most beautiful longhorn and such a gorgeous symbol of our state. Your Daddy just doesn't understand it, but he doesn't have to. In our house, you would have learned all about Allison logic. It's what Daddy calls it when I get my mind stuck on something having to be a certain way, and although it defies all rational thought, it MUST happen or be done that way.
Short post today, but just checking in with you and sending my love.
Monday, July 23, 2012
Rough Days
My darlings,
Your momma is struggling enormously of late. I sit around and mope and eat. I feel sad, but I'm not crying. I start to cry, then stop. I'm so lonely. Your daddy I think is experiencing many of the same feelings. You would have been 6 1/2 months old now based on your arrival date, or just about 3 months based on your estimated due date. The MISS Foundation's International Random Acts of Kindness Day is this Friday, I have no idea what to do. I think Chloe's momma Nikki is going to take some things to the NICU where Chloe was born. Neither your father nor I can stomach the thought of walking in to the NICU where you spent your precious short lives. Michelle teamed up with Circle K to give away free drinks at 1 location, in memory of Brandon. I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to be so conservative with our money, but I want to do something for you.
Today was an especially rough day. I dropped Daddy off at the airport, he's off to North Texas for the week. After that, I was going to go do the special promotion at the casino. Stopped for gas along the way, used the wrong WEX card to fill up the POS company car (Daddy still had the old one from his previous car). Finally figured it out. Went to the casino, wound up locking myself out of the slot promotion as I was entering the wrong PIN. Came home, stopped by the bank to withdraw my UI funds, found out there wasn't as much available as I thought. There was just a series of wrong events all morning long.
The monsoon is upon us and as you probably know, your canine sister Abby is terribly frightened by thunderstorms. We left her last Saturday to go to a birthday party. When we came home, we found she had lost her mind because of what we can only imagine was a horrific storm with tons of thunder, and she tore up the house. Your Daddy was so mad at her. Luckily, she didn't touch any of your things that are irreplaceable, as I think Daddy might have lost HIS mind. But, she dug a 4' x 6' hole in the drywall in the laundry room, doing the most extensive damage there, pulling out insulation, and even chewing on the studs, the molding and the door. If she had only concentrated on that room, she would possibly have been able to chew her way in to the garage and may have either died from the heat, or gone through the outside wall and escaped our home. Or, had she continued vertically on that wall, she may have attacked the wiring and either electrocuted herself or started a fire. I don't know what I'd have done if we had gotten a phone call from the alarm company that our house was on fire. The party we had to go to was about an hour away from our house. Luckily, none of those things happened, but she also attacked the moldings on the left sides of the guest bedroom door and the guest bath door. We can probably repair the guest bath door molding and door, but the mess in the laundry room and the molding on the guest bedroom and both sides of our master bedroom door will have to be fully replaced, along with some repairs to the drywall on the left side of our master bedroom door. Of course, in addition to the physical damages Abby did to the house, I worry about the impact on her health from swallowing all that drywall and insulation. I simply could not bear it if I lost either Abby or Ike this year. SIGH. Just one thing after another.
While we were at that party, I saw an expression of such fierce longing and emptiness cross your father's face as he watched the wife of a lifelong friend read a book to the youngest of her three children that I just started crying. I was such a mess at that party, I couldn't wait to come home, but we had to put in an appearance. And of course, the guest of honor was almost an hour late to his own surprise party. Another reason your Daddy and I both detest surprise parties and agree to never give each other one.
That simple act of reading a storybook to a toddler, the joyfulness of which we may never experience with a child of our own. Dalton, I'm sorry we didn't read to you. We were just in such shock that I don't think we realized we should have spent every waking hour divided between your and your sister's rooms. To hell with recovering from my c-section surgery, we should have spent every minute with you. We were so optimistic that you both would have made it, you were ahead of the curve for your gestational age and you were moving around a lot and vocal when you first arrived, we thought we could beat the odds. After we lost you, we did spend more time with your sister, and I apologize to you for not having more time with you. Shelby, we read to you from the Bible and from the Oceania and Holland America cruise brochures that arrived in the mail. We were going to take you on a Mediterranean cruise as soon as you were old enough and strong enough to travel internationally.
We took your grandpa to the Diamondbacks/Astros game yesterday for his birthday. While we were there, your Daddy and I observed this precious young woman in an electric wheelchair, being pushed by her family as she had so many physical and mental challenges, she was unable to even complete the simple task of pushing the button to steer her wheelchair. Your Daddy and I exchanged looks, both thinking what if that would have been your fate had you survived being born at only 24 weeks? Would they have deemed you medically fragile? Would we never have gotten to show you the Amalfi coast and other beautiful things in this world because you were medically fragile? Would we have watched you grow and mature physically, but also had to endure knowing you were there physically but you would never speak a complete sentence or swim a lap in the pool or catch a baseball or tie your own shoes?
These and so many more questions haunt your Daddy and I on a daily basis and will probably continue to do so as long as there is breath in our bodies and our minds are capable of thought.
Your momma loves and misses you.
Your momma is struggling enormously of late. I sit around and mope and eat. I feel sad, but I'm not crying. I start to cry, then stop. I'm so lonely. Your daddy I think is experiencing many of the same feelings. You would have been 6 1/2 months old now based on your arrival date, or just about 3 months based on your estimated due date. The MISS Foundation's International Random Acts of Kindness Day is this Friday, I have no idea what to do. I think Chloe's momma Nikki is going to take some things to the NICU where Chloe was born. Neither your father nor I can stomach the thought of walking in to the NICU where you spent your precious short lives. Michelle teamed up with Circle K to give away free drinks at 1 location, in memory of Brandon. I just don't know what to do. I'm trying to be so conservative with our money, but I want to do something for you.
Today was an especially rough day. I dropped Daddy off at the airport, he's off to North Texas for the week. After that, I was going to go do the special promotion at the casino. Stopped for gas along the way, used the wrong WEX card to fill up the POS company car (Daddy still had the old one from his previous car). Finally figured it out. Went to the casino, wound up locking myself out of the slot promotion as I was entering the wrong PIN. Came home, stopped by the bank to withdraw my UI funds, found out there wasn't as much available as I thought. There was just a series of wrong events all morning long.
The monsoon is upon us and as you probably know, your canine sister Abby is terribly frightened by thunderstorms. We left her last Saturday to go to a birthday party. When we came home, we found she had lost her mind because of what we can only imagine was a horrific storm with tons of thunder, and she tore up the house. Your Daddy was so mad at her. Luckily, she didn't touch any of your things that are irreplaceable, as I think Daddy might have lost HIS mind. But, she dug a 4' x 6' hole in the drywall in the laundry room, doing the most extensive damage there, pulling out insulation, and even chewing on the studs, the molding and the door. If she had only concentrated on that room, she would possibly have been able to chew her way in to the garage and may have either died from the heat, or gone through the outside wall and escaped our home. Or, had she continued vertically on that wall, she may have attacked the wiring and either electrocuted herself or started a fire. I don't know what I'd have done if we had gotten a phone call from the alarm company that our house was on fire. The party we had to go to was about an hour away from our house. Luckily, none of those things happened, but she also attacked the moldings on the left sides of the guest bedroom door and the guest bath door. We can probably repair the guest bath door molding and door, but the mess in the laundry room and the molding on the guest bedroom and both sides of our master bedroom door will have to be fully replaced, along with some repairs to the drywall on the left side of our master bedroom door. Of course, in addition to the physical damages Abby did to the house, I worry about the impact on her health from swallowing all that drywall and insulation. I simply could not bear it if I lost either Abby or Ike this year. SIGH. Just one thing after another.
While we were at that party, I saw an expression of such fierce longing and emptiness cross your father's face as he watched the wife of a lifelong friend read a book to the youngest of her three children that I just started crying. I was such a mess at that party, I couldn't wait to come home, but we had to put in an appearance. And of course, the guest of honor was almost an hour late to his own surprise party. Another reason your Daddy and I both detest surprise parties and agree to never give each other one.
That simple act of reading a storybook to a toddler, the joyfulness of which we may never experience with a child of our own. Dalton, I'm sorry we didn't read to you. We were just in such shock that I don't think we realized we should have spent every waking hour divided between your and your sister's rooms. To hell with recovering from my c-section surgery, we should have spent every minute with you. We were so optimistic that you both would have made it, you were ahead of the curve for your gestational age and you were moving around a lot and vocal when you first arrived, we thought we could beat the odds. After we lost you, we did spend more time with your sister, and I apologize to you for not having more time with you. Shelby, we read to you from the Bible and from the Oceania and Holland America cruise brochures that arrived in the mail. We were going to take you on a Mediterranean cruise as soon as you were old enough and strong enough to travel internationally.
We took your grandpa to the Diamondbacks/Astros game yesterday for his birthday. While we were there, your Daddy and I observed this precious young woman in an electric wheelchair, being pushed by her family as she had so many physical and mental challenges, she was unable to even complete the simple task of pushing the button to steer her wheelchair. Your Daddy and I exchanged looks, both thinking what if that would have been your fate had you survived being born at only 24 weeks? Would they have deemed you medically fragile? Would we never have gotten to show you the Amalfi coast and other beautiful things in this world because you were medically fragile? Would we have watched you grow and mature physically, but also had to endure knowing you were there physically but you would never speak a complete sentence or swim a lap in the pool or catch a baseball or tie your own shoes?
These and so many more questions haunt your Daddy and I on a daily basis and will probably continue to do so as long as there is breath in our bodies and our minds are capable of thought.
Your momma loves and misses you.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Hello Shelby and Dalton,
It's been a week since my last post, but I would like to post today. I don't have much new to add, the week was busy, Mariko, Rafi and Leo were with us from Thursday through Monday morning. Your Daddy is in Albuquerque this week, coming home tomorrow night. It's been very hot and humid this week, more reminiscent of Houston or New Orleans than our typically dry desert environs. There's a certain numbness and paralysis I've been feeling lately. I've been trying to be a good housekeeper and keep things fairly neat, clean and organized, but all I do is sit around, watching television and surfing on this stupid computer. My life is in such a holding pattern right now. I was supposed to be unimaginably busy taking care of the two of you, feedings, baths, diaper changes, mountains of laundry. Instead, there is just this gross void, this terrible emptiness. I am supposed to be getting healthy (read losing weight) and preparing my body to try again in a few months. I can't even succeed at that. My weight moves up instead of down. I first started tracking my weight in February and I have GAINED 12 lbs since then, those are 12 lbs I should have LOST, not GAINED. What is wrong with me? My only excuse is that I am looking to food and drink for comfort.
Everywhere I look, it seems like there are twins. My friend just announced her other daughter is now expecting twins. Her younger daughter had twins in March, we had been tracking each other's pregnancies until everything exploded in my pregnancy. She now has healthy twin grandsons, with another set of twins on the way. She was so kind to me, sending me memory boxes that she creates for her local hospital. I feel I should send something to her for her grandchildren. There is also this stupid commercial for coupons, where the cretinous couple is pretending they're doing an ad for online dating, but it's actually for online couponing, and the husband talks about how he printed off coupons as a romantic surprise for her, then she says "that's how the twins were born".... it's so terribly annoying, I switch the channel each time it comes on.
My babies, my heart is aching with emptiness and longing for you.
It's been a week since my last post, but I would like to post today. I don't have much new to add, the week was busy, Mariko, Rafi and Leo were with us from Thursday through Monday morning. Your Daddy is in Albuquerque this week, coming home tomorrow night. It's been very hot and humid this week, more reminiscent of Houston or New Orleans than our typically dry desert environs. There's a certain numbness and paralysis I've been feeling lately. I've been trying to be a good housekeeper and keep things fairly neat, clean and organized, but all I do is sit around, watching television and surfing on this stupid computer. My life is in such a holding pattern right now. I was supposed to be unimaginably busy taking care of the two of you, feedings, baths, diaper changes, mountains of laundry. Instead, there is just this gross void, this terrible emptiness. I am supposed to be getting healthy (read losing weight) and preparing my body to try again in a few months. I can't even succeed at that. My weight moves up instead of down. I first started tracking my weight in February and I have GAINED 12 lbs since then, those are 12 lbs I should have LOST, not GAINED. What is wrong with me? My only excuse is that I am looking to food and drink for comfort.
Everywhere I look, it seems like there are twins. My friend just announced her other daughter is now expecting twins. Her younger daughter had twins in March, we had been tracking each other's pregnancies until everything exploded in my pregnancy. She now has healthy twin grandsons, with another set of twins on the way. She was so kind to me, sending me memory boxes that she creates for her local hospital. I feel I should send something to her for her grandchildren. There is also this stupid commercial for coupons, where the cretinous couple is pretending they're doing an ad for online dating, but it's actually for online couponing, and the husband talks about how he printed off coupons as a romantic surprise for her, then she says "that's how the twins were born".... it's so terribly annoying, I switch the channel each time it comes on.
My babies, my heart is aching with emptiness and longing for you.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Thursday July 5, 2012
Darling Shelby and Dalton,
Yesterday was the 4th of July, yet another holiday I will now dread. Yesterday was your 6 month birthday, and the day you would have been 10 weeks old, had you arrived on your original due date. We haven't really been big July 4th people, I honestly don't think we've been to a commercial fireworks display in at least 7 years. Your canine sister Abby hates fireworks and thunder, gets so terribly freaked out, I refuse to leave her alone if I know there is going to be a storm. I kiddingly tell her what kind of hunting dog would she have been if she's scared of thunder, fireworks, gunshots and other loud noises?
Yesterday, your Daddy had an especially rough day. I myself have been feeling particularly numb of late, but your Daddy has been overwhelmingly sad and depressed. We were supposed to be getting ready to have our friends Mariko, Rafael and Leo visit from California. They too were so excited to meet you. On their 2011 Christmas card, it was addressed to Jamie, Allison, Abby, Ike and baby cousins. That was you. We hadn't found out your sex at that point, so they just called you baby cousins. At the time, we thought everything was going to progress normally and were waiting to be surprised at your April (or even late March, looking back) arrival. Anyway, instead of cleaning and getting the house ready, your Daddy started feeling sick. He thinks it's a reaction from the local anesthesia he had on Tuesday during a dermatological procedure. I thought perhaps it was a psychosomatic reaction to the loss and heartwrenching sadness he feels since you are not with us. Either way, he was feverish and achy most of the day.
Your Grammy and Grampy were over for dinner. We were supposed to have spent the afternoon in the pool, but the weather did not cooperate. We had heavy rain and storms, it was unseasonably cool and cloudy for July in Arizona. I was thinking perhaps the storms were y'all's way of saying hello, since it was so atypical. So, we sat around and didn't do much. We grilled sausages and had sausage and pepper sandwiches for dinner. We watched the Rangers on TV, who lost to the stupid White Sox. No left handed pitchers in that game. We had just sat down to eat, your Daddy was in our bedroom. He called out to me. I got up and went in to him. He hugged me to him, he was crying and burning up with fever, his body felt like he'd been basting in the typical 115 degree weather for hours as he was on fire. He had called to me so that we could commemorate the exact times at which you made your entrance in to the world, 6:11 and 6:12PM according to the hospital, although your Daddy says he thought it was more like 6:15 for Shelby and 6:18 for Dalton, according to his watch. I myself was quite out of it at that time, although I do remember hearing both of you cry. I foolishly took those first cries as such a good sign, as all the doctors and nurses had warned us not to expect to hear you cry as you were too little. When I heard that beautiful music, I thought "There they are, feisty and spirited, just like me, they're going to make it". Ha, I was so bitterly utterly and completely wrong.
Last week, I don't know what came over me, but I went on Neiman Marcus.com and selected several 6 month baby outfits for each of you, some jeans and polo shirts, onesies with animals and trucks for Dalton, jeans and adorable little dresses for Shelby, a Gucci onesie for each of you, with the words "Made in Italy" on it. So appropriate for although you weren't conceived in Italy, you would have had so much Italian spirit and vitality. I "virtually spent" an obscene amount of money on 6 imaginary outfits for each of you.
That's it for now my darlings, I must go and finish cleaning and getting ready for our houseguests. All my love. Momma
Darling Shelby and Dalton,
Yesterday was the 4th of July, yet another holiday I will now dread. Yesterday was your 6 month birthday, and the day you would have been 10 weeks old, had you arrived on your original due date. We haven't really been big July 4th people, I honestly don't think we've been to a commercial fireworks display in at least 7 years. Your canine sister Abby hates fireworks and thunder, gets so terribly freaked out, I refuse to leave her alone if I know there is going to be a storm. I kiddingly tell her what kind of hunting dog would she have been if she's scared of thunder, fireworks, gunshots and other loud noises?
Yesterday, your Daddy had an especially rough day. I myself have been feeling particularly numb of late, but your Daddy has been overwhelmingly sad and depressed. We were supposed to be getting ready to have our friends Mariko, Rafael and Leo visit from California. They too were so excited to meet you. On their 2011 Christmas card, it was addressed to Jamie, Allison, Abby, Ike and baby cousins. That was you. We hadn't found out your sex at that point, so they just called you baby cousins. At the time, we thought everything was going to progress normally and were waiting to be surprised at your April (or even late March, looking back) arrival. Anyway, instead of cleaning and getting the house ready, your Daddy started feeling sick. He thinks it's a reaction from the local anesthesia he had on Tuesday during a dermatological procedure. I thought perhaps it was a psychosomatic reaction to the loss and heartwrenching sadness he feels since you are not with us. Either way, he was feverish and achy most of the day.
Your Grammy and Grampy were over for dinner. We were supposed to have spent the afternoon in the pool, but the weather did not cooperate. We had heavy rain and storms, it was unseasonably cool and cloudy for July in Arizona. I was thinking perhaps the storms were y'all's way of saying hello, since it was so atypical. So, we sat around and didn't do much. We grilled sausages and had sausage and pepper sandwiches for dinner. We watched the Rangers on TV, who lost to the stupid White Sox. No left handed pitchers in that game. We had just sat down to eat, your Daddy was in our bedroom. He called out to me. I got up and went in to him. He hugged me to him, he was crying and burning up with fever, his body felt like he'd been basting in the typical 115 degree weather for hours as he was on fire. He had called to me so that we could commemorate the exact times at which you made your entrance in to the world, 6:11 and 6:12PM according to the hospital, although your Daddy says he thought it was more like 6:15 for Shelby and 6:18 for Dalton, according to his watch. I myself was quite out of it at that time, although I do remember hearing both of you cry. I foolishly took those first cries as such a good sign, as all the doctors and nurses had warned us not to expect to hear you cry as you were too little. When I heard that beautiful music, I thought "There they are, feisty and spirited, just like me, they're going to make it". Ha, I was so bitterly utterly and completely wrong.
Last week, I don't know what came over me, but I went on Neiman Marcus.com and selected several 6 month baby outfits for each of you, some jeans and polo shirts, onesies with animals and trucks for Dalton, jeans and adorable little dresses for Shelby, a Gucci onesie for each of you, with the words "Made in Italy" on it. So appropriate for although you weren't conceived in Italy, you would have had so much Italian spirit and vitality. I "virtually spent" an obscene amount of money on 6 imaginary outfits for each of you.
That's it for now my darlings, I must go and finish cleaning and getting ready for our houseguests. All my love. Momma
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
"Aunt" Manda's Birthday
Wednesday June 27, 2012
Hey baby kiddos,
Today is your Aunt Manda's 44th birthday. She is the reason your Daddy and I met, she likes to brag she "chaperoned" our first date, the late showing of Cirque de Soleil's "O" at Bellagio in Las Vegas. As soon as she heard about you, she went out and bought you little Baylor onesies, cause she knows how much of a Baylor girl I am. They are one of the few gifts I kept for you. They were so tiny, size 0-3 months, and probably would have been the outfits I dressed you in to come home, assuming you waited until April to arrive, and we got to bring you home. The Baylor onesies, teddy bears from Granpda Larry and Grandma Kay, and the stuffed black Labs from Uncle Bill and Aunt Adrienne. Everyone was so excited to meet you, I can't stand that other than your grandparents, daddy and I never got to introduce to any of our friends and family.
When you died Dalton, and the hospital asked us if we had any clothes we wanted to place you in, I asked your Daddy if he thought we should go home and get the Baylor onesie. He said no, because it would have been gigantically oversized on you, even though it was the tiniest size they made. So, I didn't even get to outfit you, not even once. I'm grateful to the hospital for providing a little outfit for you, but it was so not in our style. I know that sounds ridiculous to care about clothing, but for some reason, in my mind, our not having your "own" clothes to dress you in on that hideous morning just represents one more failure. And Shelby, baby girl, your little outfit was even more unstylish. It didn't matter though, I'd have happily dressed you in purple and yellow polyester if it meant you were still with us.
My soul aches missing you both.
Hey baby kiddos,
Today is your Aunt Manda's 44th birthday. She is the reason your Daddy and I met, she likes to brag she "chaperoned" our first date, the late showing of Cirque de Soleil's "O" at Bellagio in Las Vegas. As soon as she heard about you, she went out and bought you little Baylor onesies, cause she knows how much of a Baylor girl I am. They are one of the few gifts I kept for you. They were so tiny, size 0-3 months, and probably would have been the outfits I dressed you in to come home, assuming you waited until April to arrive, and we got to bring you home. The Baylor onesies, teddy bears from Granpda Larry and Grandma Kay, and the stuffed black Labs from Uncle Bill and Aunt Adrienne. Everyone was so excited to meet you, I can't stand that other than your grandparents, daddy and I never got to introduce to any of our friends and family.
When you died Dalton, and the hospital asked us if we had any clothes we wanted to place you in, I asked your Daddy if he thought we should go home and get the Baylor onesie. He said no, because it would have been gigantically oversized on you, even though it was the tiniest size they made. So, I didn't even get to outfit you, not even once. I'm grateful to the hospital for providing a little outfit for you, but it was so not in our style. I know that sounds ridiculous to care about clothing, but for some reason, in my mind, our not having your "own" clothes to dress you in on that hideous morning just represents one more failure. And Shelby, baby girl, your little outfit was even more unstylish. It didn't matter though, I'd have happily dressed you in purple and yellow polyester if it meant you were still with us.
My soul aches missing you both.
Another day
Tuesday June 26, 2012
Dearest Shelby and Dalton,
Today was a hard day.
I don’t know why, but I just feel so hateful and angry. I know you wouldn’t want your momma feeling
like this. I see so many things that
make me go on rants. I’m jealous of
everyone with babies. I looked at all
the pictures your auntie got to post on stupid facebook of your cousin and I
just felt such jealousy. I hear about a
boy aged 10, he’s one of 8 children (yes 8), he doesn’t know his biological
father, his mother is “as big as a house” to quote our friend. This woman just keeps pumping out the
children, and her new husband drinks a lot and is possibly verbally abusive to
these 8 children. My heart hurts for
this boy, I wish he had a better family environment. There’s women every day who are getting
knocked up without being married and they get to celebrate at baby
showers. Yes, I’m bitter. Yet you two were taken from us. There is no justice in this world.
You probably are making friends with another
angel baby, Nasiah Lynn. She
was the third daughter of Jaime and Vernon, and also their third angel. They used the same doctor we did with their
twin girls and again with Nasiah. That
scares the hell out of me. I think about
it all the time, the fear that would accompany another pregnancy. Even if we were successful, any other children would never replace you. They would know all about their big sister Shelby and their big brother Dalton. Everyone loved your names. One of my friends told me when she heard those names, she said they sounded exactly like something I would pick.
Our Rangers beat the Detroit Tigers today, 7-5. For the last few times I’ve watched baseball,
excluding this game, all the pitchers have been lefties. Dalton, although you never held a baseball,
judging from the way you waved that left arm around in your few short days with
us, I was convinced you had inherited left-handedness from your Daddy and your
Grandpa (my Daddy and your namesake). I
knew you were going to excel at athletics.
If it was baseball, either as a much-in-demand left handed pitcher, a
catcher (as catchers usually tend to be big ol’ boys, plus your daddy was a
catcher in Little League) or a shortstop (my maternal grandpa was a short stop
in a semi-pro league back in the 1920s and 30s). If it was football, probably a long snapper
(they have excellent lengthy careers) or maybe a defensive lineman, if you had
my daddy’s height, my fiery explosive temper and your daddy’s broad
shoulders. Your Uncle Bill was an
offensive linemen in that semi-pro league up in Montana and he had our Houston
Texans recruiting him. Wouldn’t that
have been something? But he chose to
stay in the Air Force.
Shelby, I hope all this talk of baseball and football
isn’t boring you. I like to think you would have
been as interested in sports as your Momma and Daddy are. I’ve been accused of being
“high-maintenance”, and I know I would have passed a few of those tendencies on
to you, but I also would have been delighted to take you to football baseball
and hockey games. Of course, your Larry
Fitzgerald Cardinals jersey would have been pink with rhinestones on it – no better way to combine those fashionista habits with our tomboy ways.
I asked your Daddy the other day if he thinks that when
we all meet up again in heaven, if you’ll be babies like the last time we saw
you, or if you will be all grown up, perhaps age 35 (assuming we’re inhabiting
this earth for that long)? Of course,
there was no way for your Daddy to
answer that question, for although he’s the smartest man I know, he can’t
research how Heaven works.
This week is hard on your daddy too. He's in Texas for work. We were so excited to take the two of you to Texas, and oh so many other places. He just told me he's lonely and missing his babies. That broke my heart. If you could see fit to give him some little sign to say hello, that would be wonderful. It's killing us babies. I think we're trying to picture you as 6month olds, as you would be reaching that milestone next Wednesday. Then, we also are thinking of you as 8 week olds, which is how old you would have been had you been born on your original due date.
Your momma and daddy love and miss you.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Your 2-month birthday
Monday June 25, 2012
My dearest Shelby and Dalton,
Today is the day that SHOULD have been your 2-month birthday, according to my original due date. It also marks the 5 month and 3 week anniversary that you both entered the world. However, all our plans were not meant to be, we live in "shoulds" and "what ifs", instead of the constant state of exhaustion so typical to new parents. Today, instead of waking up and feeding you and spending the day with you, I packed your daddy for his business trip to Texas, took him to the airport and went to a session with my therapist. Prior to January, I had never imagined I would ever need a therapist for anything, not me, "I'm a tough Texian" (to quote Elizabeth Taylor in Giant, one of my favorite movies). No ma'am & sir, Italians don't need therapy, especially not fiesty Texas girl Italian Scorpios like your momma. Well, you changed all that babies. You rocked your daddy's and my world with your dramatic and all too early entrance in to this world, and sadly, your way too soon exit from this world.
I'm starting this blog today with inspiration from my wonderful sister-in-grief (SIG) Nikki, who lost her precious Chloe to CMV. Chloe was stillborn 3 weeks after the two of you made your entrance in to this world, so today is her 5 month angelversary. I know you both have met Chloe, her momma and I have had a few conversations about the three of you playing together in heaven. I think you had a hand in bringing us together so that we wouldn't have to walk this grief journey alone. Dalton, when you died at 3 1/2 days old, the NICU staff gave us info on support groups. We were determined to stay strong for our Shelby, but when you left us 4 1/2 days later, we knew we needed help. We decided to investigate the MISS Foundation We soon joined the online forums of MISS, and it is there that I connected with Nikki. She posted about the things they did for Chloe's memorial service. I replied to her post and soon we were lighting up the PM feature, sending each other long messages, feeling like we'd known each other our whole lives. The funny thing is we live in Arizona and Chloe's parents are all the way up in Alaska. As Nikki said, we have a "bondship".
I can't believe that almost 6 months have passed since you entered our lives. There's so many statements we make that start with "I can't believe...." I can't believe we never bought one single thing for you. As much as I love to shop and plan, we never did any of this. I've sadly bought more things for you since your death than I did before you were born. The only reason I had a baby shower at work was because our office was closing at the end of the year and my friends wanted to give you gifts before we all scattered. I can't believe I only got to 24 weeks with you. I can't believe that save for daily bouts of nausea, the first 20 weeks were uneventful. I can't believe at 20 weeks and 5 days everything was perfect then at 22 weeks and 6 days I was put in the hospital in pre-term labor. I can't believe we will never know what color your eyes would have been. I'm guessing blue or blue/green, as your daddy and I both have blue eyes, 3 of your 4 grandparents are either blue or green eyed as well.
My precious angels, I am ending this post for now, even though I could write for many hours, your fur siblings are crying to get in the pool for their daily exercise. I wish you were here to see them. I know their antics would make you laugh. Your daredevil Lab/Dane sister Abby likes to jump off the edge and catch her duck midair before making a giant splash. Your goofy but sensitive Dane brother Ike is more mellow, but oh so protective of his yellow duck. He only moves quickly through the water when Daddy pretends to "chase" him.
Your momma loves and misses you.
My dearest Shelby and Dalton,
Today is the day that SHOULD have been your 2-month birthday, according to my original due date. It also marks the 5 month and 3 week anniversary that you both entered the world. However, all our plans were not meant to be, we live in "shoulds" and "what ifs", instead of the constant state of exhaustion so typical to new parents. Today, instead of waking up and feeding you and spending the day with you, I packed your daddy for his business trip to Texas, took him to the airport and went to a session with my therapist. Prior to January, I had never imagined I would ever need a therapist for anything, not me, "I'm a tough Texian" (to quote Elizabeth Taylor in Giant, one of my favorite movies). No ma'am & sir, Italians don't need therapy, especially not fiesty Texas girl Italian Scorpios like your momma. Well, you changed all that babies. You rocked your daddy's and my world with your dramatic and all too early entrance in to this world, and sadly, your way too soon exit from this world.
I'm starting this blog today with inspiration from my wonderful sister-in-grief (SIG) Nikki, who lost her precious Chloe to CMV. Chloe was stillborn 3 weeks after the two of you made your entrance in to this world, so today is her 5 month angelversary. I know you both have met Chloe, her momma and I have had a few conversations about the three of you playing together in heaven. I think you had a hand in bringing us together so that we wouldn't have to walk this grief journey alone. Dalton, when you died at 3 1/2 days old, the NICU staff gave us info on support groups. We were determined to stay strong for our Shelby, but when you left us 4 1/2 days later, we knew we needed help. We decided to investigate the MISS Foundation We soon joined the online forums of MISS, and it is there that I connected with Nikki. She posted about the things they did for Chloe's memorial service. I replied to her post and soon we were lighting up the PM feature, sending each other long messages, feeling like we'd known each other our whole lives. The funny thing is we live in Arizona and Chloe's parents are all the way up in Alaska. As Nikki said, we have a "bondship".
I can't believe that almost 6 months have passed since you entered our lives. There's so many statements we make that start with "I can't believe...." I can't believe we never bought one single thing for you. As much as I love to shop and plan, we never did any of this. I've sadly bought more things for you since your death than I did before you were born. The only reason I had a baby shower at work was because our office was closing at the end of the year and my friends wanted to give you gifts before we all scattered. I can't believe I only got to 24 weeks with you. I can't believe that save for daily bouts of nausea, the first 20 weeks were uneventful. I can't believe at 20 weeks and 5 days everything was perfect then at 22 weeks and 6 days I was put in the hospital in pre-term labor. I can't believe we will never know what color your eyes would have been. I'm guessing blue or blue/green, as your daddy and I both have blue eyes, 3 of your 4 grandparents are either blue or green eyed as well.
My precious angels, I am ending this post for now, even though I could write for many hours, your fur siblings are crying to get in the pool for their daily exercise. I wish you were here to see them. I know their antics would make you laugh. Your daredevil Lab/Dane sister Abby likes to jump off the edge and catch her duck midair before making a giant splash. Your goofy but sensitive Dane brother Ike is more mellow, but oh so protective of his yellow duck. He only moves quickly through the water when Daddy pretends to "chase" him.
Your momma loves and misses you.
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