Your 2-month birthday

Monday June 25, 2012

My dearest Shelby and Dalton,

Today is the day that SHOULD have been your 2-month birthday, according to my original due date.  It also marks the 5 month and 3 week anniversary that you both entered the world.  However, all our plans were not meant to be, we live in "shoulds" and "what ifs", instead of the constant state of exhaustion so typical to new parents.  Today, instead of waking up and feeding you and spending the day with you, I packed your daddy for his business trip to Texas, took him to the airport and went to a session with my therapist.  Prior to January, I had never imagined I would ever need a therapist for anything, not me, "I'm a tough Texian" (to quote Elizabeth Taylor in Giant, one of my favorite movies).  No ma'am & sir, Italians don't need therapy, especially not fiesty Texas girl Italian Scorpios like your momma.  Well, you changed all that babies.  You rocked your daddy's and my world with your dramatic and all too early entrance in to this world, and sadly, your way too soon exit from this world.

I'm starting this blog today with inspiration from my wonderful sister-in-grief (SIG) Nikki, who lost her precious Chloe to CMV.  Chloe was stillborn 3 weeks after the two of you made your entrance in to this world, so today is her 5 month angelversary.  I know you both have met Chloe, her momma and I have had a few conversations about the three of you playing together in heaven.  I think you had a hand in bringing us together so that we wouldn't have to walk this grief journey alone.  Dalton, when you died at 3 1/2 days old, the NICU staff gave us info on support groups.  We were determined to stay strong for our Shelby, but when you left us 4 1/2 days later, we knew we needed help.  We decided to investigate the MISS Foundation  We soon joined the online forums of MISS, and it is there that I connected with Nikki.  She posted about the things they did for Chloe's memorial service.  I replied to her post and soon we were lighting up the PM feature, sending each other long messages, feeling like we'd known each other our whole lives.  The funny thing is we live in Arizona and Chloe's parents are all the way up in Alaska.  As Nikki said, we have a "bondship".

I can't believe that almost 6 months have passed since you entered our lives.  There's so many statements we make that start with "I can't believe...."  I can't believe we never bought one single thing for you.  As much as I love to shop and plan, we never did any of this.  I've sadly bought more things for you since your death than I did before you were born.  The only reason I had a baby shower at work was because our office was closing at the end of the year and my friends wanted to give you gifts before we all scattered.  I can't believe I only got to 24 weeks with you.  I can't believe that save for daily bouts of nausea, the first 20 weeks were uneventful.  I can't believe at 20 weeks and 5 days everything was perfect then at 22 weeks and 6 days I was put in the hospital in pre-term labor.  I can't believe we will never know what color your eyes would have been.  I'm guessing blue or blue/green, as your daddy and I both have blue eyes, 3 of your 4 grandparents are either blue or green eyed as well.

My precious angels, I am ending this post for now, even though I could write for many hours, your fur siblings are crying to get in the pool for their daily exercise.  I wish you were here to see them.  I know their antics would make you laugh.  Your daredevil Lab/Dane sister Abby likes to jump off the edge and catch her duck midair before making a giant splash.  Your goofy but sensitive Dane brother Ike is more mellow, but oh so protective of his yellow duck.  He only moves quickly through the water when Daddy pretends to "chase" him.

Your momma loves and misses you.