Tuesday September 25, 2012
Shelby and Dalton,
Five months ago today was my estimated due date with you. It also marks the 4 year EDD of my MISS friend A and her twin boys S & G. Counting from your actual birthday, you would be almost 9 months old. I find that hard to believe. I remember your cousin Emily was just a bit older than that last December. We were at Cantina Laredo and somehow she wound up with an order of flan. She devoured it, taking after your Daddy, her uncle, with his love of all things custardlike. Frequently, I wonder what you would be doing at this age. What would be some of your favorite foods? Judging from the food choices you didn't rebel against during our Vegas trip, charcuterie, lobster pot pie, papparadelle with venison ragu, paella and Spanish tapas. As I mentioned in a previous post, it would all depend on the effects of your extreme prematurity.
Time is escaping so quickly. Your father and I are both dreading the holidays. If we could, we would like to disappear from about Daddy's birthday in mid-November until mid-January. Ideally, we'd go somewhere tropical, but I couldn't be without Abby and Ike that long, so we'd probably settle for a driving trip along the Pacific Coast and bring them with us. Unfortunately, that is not possible. There are of course the obvious financial restraints and then also the familial obligations, as we can't simply abandon everyone and pretend the holidays don't exist, as much as we'd like to. I remember last year, I was pregnant with you when Daddy and I were putting up the Christmas tree and decorating it with all the childhood ornaments and all the ones I added to my collection over the past ten years. It always was an activity that made me sweetly melancholy, thinking of your great grandparents and Aunt Jayne, as they gave me many of those ornaments. I told your Daddy I'd have to buy Baby's First Christmas ornaments for you next year. Looking back, I wonder if the stretching and bending had any impact on my body being unable to support you? I even bought an ornament in Peru. I feel guilty for not buying two. Maybe that will be my ornament and I will get you your own special ornaments. And then there's the issue of stockings. Of course, I will want to buy them. People may think it's weird, but I'm still your Momma, even if you're not here with us.
At the MISS meeting last week, I repeated the story of my breakdown at the Cardinals season opener, complete with my reference to RG III and Baylor. A lady sitting 2 people away from me said she went to Baylor too, so we'd have to talk after the meeting. Maybe you've already met S's son, W. He was born in this summer, at 24 weeks 1 day, and lived 3 weeks. It was very strange, it was like the 24 week club. Besides S, there was a couple who lost triplets at 24 weeks. Then also our friends: J, who lost twins A & J at 24 weeks; S who lost A at 24 weeks. I talked with the new S after the meeting, we have some things in common. We "friended" each other on Facebook, and I've been reading her blog. She started her blog while W was still in NICU, and poured so much detail in to her writings, it brought many memories bursting through the floodgates of our family's time in the NICU. There were many similarities to their experience, but some differences. When W died, they spent all day in NICU with him. However, when you died Dalton, we were with you for a couple hours, and your grandparents said goodbye too, but then we had this overwhelming urge to flee from the building as quickly as they would discharge me. We returned later in the day to be with Shelby. A few days later when Shelby died, it was such a different experience than when Dalton died. Shelby, it seemed you were immediately gone from us as soon as they stopped working on you. Everything about your death was so different than Dalton's death. It was almost as if a dark cloud of anger, anguish, rage and betrayal enveloped us after Shelby's death. Maybe it was because we truly had no hope left after that moment. Daddy didn't let Grandma Kay & Grandpa Larry come back to the hospital. They'd been there with Daddy an hour before your death, but Daddy didn't want them coming back. The only reason Grandpa Joe & Grandma Nancy got to say goodbye to you was because they had brought me back to the hospital after evening shift change.
My babies, I think about all the things we would have been doing together over the past few months. You would have gone walking with the dogs and me this morning. We probably would not be getting ready to go to Daddy's former colleague's wedding next weekend, as I wouldn't have wanted to leave you. Maybe we would have brought you with us, although with it being an adults only reception, that would have presented some challenges. I wouldn't have trusted any old babysitter the hotel provided. We probably either would have skipped the wedding or been forced to bring one or the other set of your grandparents along, to watch you during the rehearsal dinner and wedding. Your daddy had so many trips planned with you. Again, not to seem trivial or shallow by talking about seemingly frivolous things such as football, travel and food, but those are all things about which Daddy and I are passionate and we would give anything to have been able share those passions with you for more than the 6 months you were physically present in our lives.
Signing off for today my loves,
Momma
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