Wednesday October 3, 2012

Hello my darling babies,

Today is a Wednesday, now forever the day of the week most special to me as Wednesday is the day you were born, actually exactly 39 weeks ago tonight.  How ironic, 39 weeks, an acceptable length for a "normal" pregnancy.  Had I made it to that mark with you, we probably wouldn't even be doing this blog.  I just realized today also marks the 23rd anniversary of your great-grandmother Mary's passing (Nana to me).  I was a freshman at Baylor, friends with, but not yet roommates with my closest and oldest friend, your Auntie Kelli.  When you're an only child, you have to make your family, and therefore, I refer to many of my friends as your Aunties.  Anyway, Nana had been sick for a while, and for some reason, your grandma Nancy decided it would be better if they called Kelli first when Nana finally died.  Kelli and I had plans to go out that night, although now I couldn't say if it was for dinner or simply to run errands.  Kelli came to my room in her bathrobe, and I remember thinking, now, why isn't she ready?! (yes, my legendary impatience rearing its ugly head again).  Nana died, my parents called Kelli and she did as they instructed, coming to my room so I wouldn't be alone when they called to tell me about Nana.  I don't necessarily agree with that decision, I think it would have been more prudent had they talked with me about Nana being in the hospital when they had visited 10 days earlier for Parents' Weekend.  Their decision to not allow me to fly home for Nana's funeral was one with which I definitely don't agree.  But, that is not your issue.

I am participating in this 31 day project called Capture Your Grief, started by a grieving Australian mom.  As October is National Infant and Child Death Awareness Month, this mom put together 31 different topics on which we can post about, 1 for each day.  So far, I have posted a sunrise (well, a picture of the sea & sky from our Alaska cruise in 2010); the picture of me taken on Christmas Eve 2011 when y'all were still with us and we were blissfully ignorant (before loss) and the picture of Daddy and me taken at the Tambo del Inka on our recent Peru trip (after loss).  Planner that I am, I've already been thinking about the things I want to say or post for each of the remaining days.

Today, I spent most of the day helping the folks at the MISS Foundation set up for their biannual conference.  Your Daddy and I are not going, as Daddy's friend is getting married in Santa Barbara this weekend, and Daddy is in the wedding.  I was OK with that at first, but now that I was around the conference set up, I find myself really wishing the wedding wasn't the same weekend as the conference, as I think we both would have benefitted from attending the conference.  The conference is held at the Fiesta Inn in Tempe.  As I was driving there from the MISS offices, our Tahoe filled with the silent auction baskets, I was thinking there's a bit of irony in the location of the conference.  When I was first hired by Deutsche back in 1998, they put me up at the Fiesta, as it was within walking distance of the office.  My job at Deutsche is what led me to your Daddy, as he worked there too.  We met later that year at a meeting in Las Vegas.  As I continued with my Deutsche career and moved out here to be a field manager, I went to the Fiesta for many meetings, and picked up countless field reps there.

I also was thinking about the picture we bought when we were on our Maui trip in 2004.  It was by Noelito, featuring the Na Pali coast on Kauai, which we visited on our honeymoon.  For some reason, it came to me to today that the painting has twins in the name, for the 2 palm trees at the edge of the painting.  That trip strikes me as we were there in November 2004, which is the same time your canine sister was being born.  When we adopted Abby, the folks at the humane society asked if we wanted to know her birthday, we said yes.  From her microchip, they were able to tell us she was born November 13, 2004.  All of these things seem to be so intertwined in our lives.  Just like the day you were supposed to be born is your Auntie Leah's birthday, and the day you actually were born is the day after your Aunt Adrienne's birthday.

Another thing that struck me today and almost made me crumble was thinking about something your Auntie Chris said to me last year while I was pregnant with you.  She said "It sure is a good thing you got this Tahoe, with the 2 big dogs and now the twins on the way."  Now, all we have is the 2 big dogs.  The truck will never carry your 2 car seats.  I was thinking all this as we were loading the auction gift baskets.

My babies, I am missing you tonight.  Love from your momma.