30 weeks ago

Hello my darlings,

30 weeks ago tonight, I was just about waking up from the anesthesia after our c-section.  I struggled so hard to stay awake as long as I could to see you, but I didn't make it, the anesthesia took over and I passed out.  I am grateful I was able to fight the anesthesia long enough to hear your only cries.  Your 7-month old birthday would be this Saturday, 8/4.  I'm all goofed up on the calculations, as it doesn't make sense that today marks 30 weeks since your entry into this world, but Saturday is 7 months (in my mind 28 weeks).  I know it all makes sense, as there are some months with 5 weeks, and that 30 weeks ago was the day you were born, as I even carefully and precisely counted backwards on the calendar.  Today should have been the day you were 14 weeks old, assuming your estimated due date of April 25.

Last Friday, when I picked your Daddy up at the airport, we took all the clothes to West Valley Child Crisis Center to donate in your memory as part of MISS Foundation's International Random Acts of Kindness Day.  I'm really happy we chose them, as they were so gracious.  We walked in and this lady (Tabitha) came out from a back room.  We asked her if we could donate baby clothes, and she said yes, they would gladly take them.  I told her the reason for our donation, that we'd been helped by MISS and about their Random Acts project and that we chose 6-month old size clothes as that's the age our Shelby and Dalton would have been.  Then we went out to get the gift bags (10 onesies for a boy, 10 for a girl, along with 2 little "romper suits" as your grandma would call them).  When we came back, she told us they were so honored to accept our donations and help us celebrate our children.  It made me feel like it was the right thing to do.

What would we be doing with you?  That's so hard to say, as there are 3 answers to that question.  Assuming you would soon be 7 months old, 2 things could be happening.  In one scenario, my mind wonders if you would have been battling any health issues due to your extreme prematurity?  If so, I imagine we would have had a bevy of specialist appointments, struggling to do the right thing if you were deemed "medically fragile".  The other scenario, assuming you were soon to be 7 months old, is that you would not have any challenges, other than your extremely small size, probably that of a typical 3 or 4 month old infant.  And finally, in the dream scenario that assumed I had a "normal" pregnancy and you were now 14 weeks old, I assume I would be like all the other new mommies who obnoxiously and disgustingly live in a world of blissful ignorance, not knowing the black emptiness of losing their infants.

I'm in a dark, dark place.  Right after you first died, I found myself vowing to live a more positive life, not immerse myself in feeling of hatred, anger, jealousy, envy.  Seven short months later, and I find I am embarassed at my bitterness.  Please help me, Shelby and Dalton, to live a life in which you would have been proud to have me as your momma.

I love you.