Thursday December 13, 2012
Precious babies,
Yesterday marked the 1 year anniversary of the day we had our ultrasound. You were there, in full glory. They took 99 photos of the 2 of you, and I was amazed at the clarity of the photos, the perfectly round outlines of your skulls, your little noses, your arms and legs in crystal clarity. I was fascinated at all of the things they were checking. I also got a bit nauseous with the pressing of the ultrasound. I think it was just y'all, trying to say "Hey, leave us alone in here, stop poking around with that disturbing wand", so you sent signals to make me ill. Just like all the times when you let me know you didn't like the food I was eating. As we've discussed in previous posts, you liked high quality gourmet food, as evidenced by our birthday lunch with my parents at The Parlor and the many delicious meals we had in Las Vegas with your Aunt Manda, Uncle Kevin, Aunt Leah and Uncle Pete. After those meals, I was never nauseous in the slightest.
Yesterday also marked the one year anniversary of the beginning of both the happiest and the darkest 30 day period in my entire life. We shared your ultrasound photos with family and friends and I felt your activity level increase. We got ready to host Christmas Eve dinner, and 3 days later, I was in the hospital on bedrest, fighting to preserve the pregnancy, praying for another uneventful day, and another and another. But, as we all know, you arrived at the 24-week mark and your tiny bodies were woefully underprepared to tackle life on the outside. By January 12, you were both gone.
This week, I came down with bronchitis. Your father and I have both been battling sickness recently. Two weeks ago, he was sick all weekend, lying in the bed. I don't know if he had the flu or a colitis flare up or just mental fatigue. This broken-heartedness is impacting both of us physically. Daddy said he read somewhere that grief stricken parents are always battling illnesses, or something to that effect. I admit I didn't pay attention to him because I absolutely detest being sick. With the exception of our time in the hospital, my only other stint was an emergency room visit after I fell down the cellar stairs at Nana's, resulting in a mild concussion. But, another grieving Mom wrote something in her blog along similar lines. I'm afraid my mental acuity is less than sharp tonight, so I'm not up to quoting it, or even describing the gist of her post.
Your canine brother Ike is completely simpatico with my bronchitis. He has lain in the bed with me all day today, even forgoing his dinner tonight. He can't get close enough to me, he is trying to comfort my soul. Your canine sister is lying on the floor, she keeps sniffing the air. Perhaps she senses y'all are visiting us. Perhaps your Tante Jayne brought you for a visit, as she was always the family nursemaid, taking care of at least 3 generations. Make that 4 now that she's looking after the 2 of you. And, yes, Tante, I know I should be taking your famous concoction of honey and butter to kick this bronchitis.
I spoke with Daddy, he was supposed to get together with my SIG, Chloe's momma tonight. Ironically, SIG has also come down with bronchitis. We are forever linked in a horrendous way, but I find it comforting to have her with me on our grief journeys. He may see her briefly tomorrow before he leaves Alaska.
Darling Shelby and Dalton, Momma is signing off for now. Hopefully, this weekend, we will put up the Christmas tree. I have 3 ornaments for you, the ones I bought in Alaska in April and the one your grandparents Bones gave us. I hope I can find all of them, I've been more than disorganized these past few months.
All my love - Momma
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Monday, December 3, 2012
If We Make It Through December
Monday December 3, 2012
Hello my precious Shelby and Dalton,
I'm sitting here tonight, watching my Baylor boy, Robert Griffin III leading his Redskins on Monday Night Football against the New York Giants. He is a phenomenal athlete and seems to be of good character. His parents are still together, which probably has quite a bit to do with his maturity and composure. He is the face of Baylor. Sometimes, it seems so bizarre, as he wasn't even born when I started my days at Baylor, he was born during the second semester of my freshman year. I can still remember when he won the Heisman trophy, the ceremony was on Saturday December 10, 2 days before my ultrasound. So many of those "milestone" days are rushing at us over the coming weeks. I couldn't believe how your images appeared on the ultrasounds, that we could see every detail of your precious and seemingly perfect bodies. We really were blissfully ignorant, naively thinking that we made it through the 1st trimester and everything looked so good. I must admit, neither your Daddy nor I were paying super close attention to the 4 factors that contribute to premature labor when the maternal/fetal medicine specialist detailed them. I remember high blood pressure (which I never had), age of the mother (guilty of frittering away so much of our lives), and discord between twin weights (more than 20%, which you never measured until the day you were born), but I don't know the 4th factor. It really didn't seem like premature labor would be something that we'd be dealing with, but how horribly wrong we were. Thirty-one days after that ultrasound, you were both gone.
We somehow made it through Thanksgiving, and stayed sober. We both know alcohol offers no solutions, sometimes it just numbs the pain. We didn't even get to that point on Thanksgiving. Daddy had 1 beer, which he left on the counter half full, and then 1 gin and tonic, again leaving half of it in the glass. I had 2 small glasses of red wine, I poured a glass for Daddy at dinner, he didn't even take 1 sip. That was it. Our mothers were both pretty mellow, and there were no major issues. Grandma Nancy said grace, and your Uncle Ryan surprised us by initiating the hand-holding during the blessing. Your Aunt Violet is scared to death of Ike, and he senses that, so therefore whenever she holds your cousin Emily, Ike loses his mind. However, when Grandma Kay or Ryan or I hold Emily, Ike is just fine. He even laid quietly on the sofa while Emily scratched his head. I wish I could tell Violet to relax, that Ike is a big cream puff.
I think you were visiting on Thanksgiving. Emily was in her high chair between your Grandpa Joe and her Momma. She looked up behind her Momma, up toward the ceiling. She clenched her fist twice, as if she was waving and then she looked directly at me, as if to say "Your babies are here."
Last night, as we were falling asleep, your Daddy asked God to let us dream about you. Well, I had a dream that featured Shelby. It was the weirdest thing, in the dream, we were eating at one of those major breakfast chains (we rarely eat at places like this), there was a big group of us. When I went to pay the bill, there was a black lady at the checkout stand. She said to me, "I have a message for you from that little girl." I asked "What little girl?" She said "That little girl, didn't you see her? She came in and was standing by your table for a bit. Then she came up here and asked me to give you a message. She said "Tell her Shelby says Hi". Apparently in the dream, there was more to the message, something along the lines of "Everything's good", but when I woke up, I couldn't remember specifically the exact words. Then, when I was in Albertson's later, I was waiting for the lady to bring me a new bag of romaine lettuce, and I could have sworn they paged for a Shelby. During Daddy's flight this morning, he said there was a couple sitting in front of him with a baby boy who was about 6 months old and that baby just kept staring and staring at Daddy. Had y'all been full-term, you would have been about 7 months old. Maybe that baby met you when you got to heaven and played with you for a bit. As it is, tomorrow marks your 11 month old birthday.
December has always been a hard month for some reason. I've always loved the Merle Haggard song If We Make It Through December, and it seems more poignant than ever this year. Although I don't much care for Merle Haggard himself (I'm still irked by that story that he swindled Waylon out of a bunch of money in a poker game was Waylon was stoned out of his mind. I don't support such behavior, but I will always take Waylon's side, as he is my favorite musician, as y'all know). Alas, I digress. Your Daddy has never enjoyed putting up Christmas decorations, on most years he does it simply to humor me. This year, I agreed we don't have to put up outdoor decorations but I do want to put up the tree. I have some ornaments for y'all and all the ornaments that I've gathered going back to the year I was born. Daddy has some ornaments from when he was a little boy too. Plus, Ike really likes to sit on his sofa and watch the lit Christmas tree. The dogs also have special ornaments, so we agreed to put up the tree. But the coming weeks are going to be just terrible. They mark the last few days of what was a relatively uneventful pregnancy. Everything changed between my going to bed on Christmas Eve and waking up on Christmas morning. It was the beginning of the end.
Babies, please give us strength to make it through the next month. Keep giving us signs that y'all are with us and loving us and are happy with our decision to try again by embarking late next month on another attempt to have living children.
Momma loves and misses you.
Hello my precious Shelby and Dalton,
I'm sitting here tonight, watching my Baylor boy, Robert Griffin III leading his Redskins on Monday Night Football against the New York Giants. He is a phenomenal athlete and seems to be of good character. His parents are still together, which probably has quite a bit to do with his maturity and composure. He is the face of Baylor. Sometimes, it seems so bizarre, as he wasn't even born when I started my days at Baylor, he was born during the second semester of my freshman year. I can still remember when he won the Heisman trophy, the ceremony was on Saturday December 10, 2 days before my ultrasound. So many of those "milestone" days are rushing at us over the coming weeks. I couldn't believe how your images appeared on the ultrasounds, that we could see every detail of your precious and seemingly perfect bodies. We really were blissfully ignorant, naively thinking that we made it through the 1st trimester and everything looked so good. I must admit, neither your Daddy nor I were paying super close attention to the 4 factors that contribute to premature labor when the maternal/fetal medicine specialist detailed them. I remember high blood pressure (which I never had), age of the mother (guilty of frittering away so much of our lives), and discord between twin weights (more than 20%, which you never measured until the day you were born), but I don't know the 4th factor. It really didn't seem like premature labor would be something that we'd be dealing with, but how horribly wrong we were. Thirty-one days after that ultrasound, you were both gone.
We somehow made it through Thanksgiving, and stayed sober. We both know alcohol offers no solutions, sometimes it just numbs the pain. We didn't even get to that point on Thanksgiving. Daddy had 1 beer, which he left on the counter half full, and then 1 gin and tonic, again leaving half of it in the glass. I had 2 small glasses of red wine, I poured a glass for Daddy at dinner, he didn't even take 1 sip. That was it. Our mothers were both pretty mellow, and there were no major issues. Grandma Nancy said grace, and your Uncle Ryan surprised us by initiating the hand-holding during the blessing. Your Aunt Violet is scared to death of Ike, and he senses that, so therefore whenever she holds your cousin Emily, Ike loses his mind. However, when Grandma Kay or Ryan or I hold Emily, Ike is just fine. He even laid quietly on the sofa while Emily scratched his head. I wish I could tell Violet to relax, that Ike is a big cream puff.
I think you were visiting on Thanksgiving. Emily was in her high chair between your Grandpa Joe and her Momma. She looked up behind her Momma, up toward the ceiling. She clenched her fist twice, as if she was waving and then she looked directly at me, as if to say "Your babies are here."
Last night, as we were falling asleep, your Daddy asked God to let us dream about you. Well, I had a dream that featured Shelby. It was the weirdest thing, in the dream, we were eating at one of those major breakfast chains (we rarely eat at places like this), there was a big group of us. When I went to pay the bill, there was a black lady at the checkout stand. She said to me, "I have a message for you from that little girl." I asked "What little girl?" She said "That little girl, didn't you see her? She came in and was standing by your table for a bit. Then she came up here and asked me to give you a message. She said "Tell her Shelby says Hi". Apparently in the dream, there was more to the message, something along the lines of "Everything's good", but when I woke up, I couldn't remember specifically the exact words. Then, when I was in Albertson's later, I was waiting for the lady to bring me a new bag of romaine lettuce, and I could have sworn they paged for a Shelby. During Daddy's flight this morning, he said there was a couple sitting in front of him with a baby boy who was about 6 months old and that baby just kept staring and staring at Daddy. Had y'all been full-term, you would have been about 7 months old. Maybe that baby met you when you got to heaven and played with you for a bit. As it is, tomorrow marks your 11 month old birthday.
December has always been a hard month for some reason. I've always loved the Merle Haggard song If We Make It Through December, and it seems more poignant than ever this year. Although I don't much care for Merle Haggard himself (I'm still irked by that story that he swindled Waylon out of a bunch of money in a poker game was Waylon was stoned out of his mind. I don't support such behavior, but I will always take Waylon's side, as he is my favorite musician, as y'all know). Alas, I digress. Your Daddy has never enjoyed putting up Christmas decorations, on most years he does it simply to humor me. This year, I agreed we don't have to put up outdoor decorations but I do want to put up the tree. I have some ornaments for y'all and all the ornaments that I've gathered going back to the year I was born. Daddy has some ornaments from when he was a little boy too. Plus, Ike really likes to sit on his sofa and watch the lit Christmas tree. The dogs also have special ornaments, so we agreed to put up the tree. But the coming weeks are going to be just terrible. They mark the last few days of what was a relatively uneventful pregnancy. Everything changed between my going to bed on Christmas Eve and waking up on Christmas morning. It was the beginning of the end.
Babies, please give us strength to make it through the next month. Keep giving us signs that y'all are with us and loving us and are happy with our decision to try again by embarking late next month on another attempt to have living children.
Momma loves and misses you.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Strange happenings
Tuesday October 22, 2012
Hello my darling Shelby and Dalton,
Another month is almost over. Another month closer to the holidays, which your Daddy and I are both dreading. Another month closer to your 1 year birthday, which may be the hardest day yet, aside from the days you each died. It's been awhile since I've posted and I have so much to talk about, I feel like my fingers won't be able to keep up with my thoughts.
After no weddings in 5 years, we attended 2 weddings in 6 days. Both were beautiful and in lovely settings but each had a different vibe to them. Your Daddy's former colleague married a sweet lady in the wonderfully Mediterranean-like town of Santa Barbara. Daddy participated in that ceremony, sharing in the Filipino custom of the cord that unites the bride and groom. At that rehearsal dinner, we met a gay man who commented that he was getting the first sleep in 3 months from taking care of his newborn twins. My heart stopped, but I had to know if they were boy/girl twins like you, so I asked him their names. Lillian and Lucien. This man seemed a bit pretentious at first, but we later told him our family's story. He shared our sorrow and was sweetly encouraging of our hopes to have living children someday. The other wedding was one of my former colleagues. Watching the groom, it was so beautiful to see the complete and utter love he felt toward my friend the bride. Both were good parties with great music and delicious food.
Your canine sister Abby has been acting a bit strange lately. I asked Daddy if he thought it was because you might be visiting us. He said anything is possible. Abby will be lying on the ground and suddenly start sniffing the air, as if there is a disturbance to the pressure in the room, or a new scent. She's done this a few times in the last couple weeks. Then, tonight, I had another experience which made me wonder if you were visiting. Daddy is in Montana this week, so I had to make my own delicious lemon water (nothing special, just ice water with lots of fresh squeezed lemon juice, but I made up that silly name one night, saying that Daddy makes the most delicious lemon water, and the name just stuck). I had just closed the vertical blinds on the sliding glass door. I got the ice from the freezer and when I stood up, about the 4th blind from the left was twisted back behind the other blinds. Abby sometimes weaves herself between the blinds, but tonight, she was lying on the carpet by the front hallway, and nowhere near the slider. I went over and straightened the blinds. I went back to the refrigerator and took out a bottle of water. When I closed the door and turned to the counter, the blinds were crooked again, but in a different way. It's as if y'all were playing in the blinds, but there was no sound, like when Abby rattles them. Nothing like that has ever happened.
This month, on Facebook, I've been participating in Capture Your Grief. It is something created by a grieving mom in Australia to commemorate October as Infant and Child Death Awareness Month. Each day throughout the month, she gave a general theme, and grieving parents are free to post as they see fit to talk about their children. It's seemingly at least semi-private in that non-participants don't seem to be able to view the posts, but of course, with it being on the Internet, nothing is ever really truly private.
Today's theme was Their Names/Their Photos. While we both treasure the few photos we have of each of you, your Daddy is even more fiercely protective of them than I am. To respect his wishes to honor your privacy, I agreed I would not post any close-ups of your photos or your actual photos. Another day I posted the altar at your memorial service, and your pictures may be somewhat visible in the collages Auntie Kelli made for us, which is a future post, but I will have to come up with an acceptable photo that doesn't violate Daddy's wishes. Below is my post for today.
Going along with the title of this post, I am struck by the similarities in the meaning of your names, which is something I don't think I ever realized until today. From the Town in the Hollow and From the Valley Town. We live in the Valley of the Sun. Since I was young, one of my favorite Bible passages has been the 23rd Psalm. Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me. The significance of your names having almost identical meanings strikes me. And then, one of my MISS friends commented that her son's name means "from the western town", and that the 3 of you are covering all geographical bases.
I hope you feel that I'm honoring you both with my Capture Your Grief postings. It is traumatic to read all the grieving parents' stories, and I think of all the precious angels you're playing with in heaven who became angel babies at the end of last year or this year. This may sound really off kilter, but I imagine you as having a core group of friends up there. I think that's why I've made such a connection with their moms, as it was all of your hands drawing us together and making sure we wouldn't have to wallow in our grief alone. All but one was born at 24 or 25 weeks, and all born in December or January, except one who was born a few months later.
Hello my darling Shelby and Dalton,
Another month is almost over. Another month closer to the holidays, which your Daddy and I are both dreading. Another month closer to your 1 year birthday, which may be the hardest day yet, aside from the days you each died. It's been awhile since I've posted and I have so much to talk about, I feel like my fingers won't be able to keep up with my thoughts.
After no weddings in 5 years, we attended 2 weddings in 6 days. Both were beautiful and in lovely settings but each had a different vibe to them. Your Daddy's former colleague married a sweet lady in the wonderfully Mediterranean-like town of Santa Barbara. Daddy participated in that ceremony, sharing in the Filipino custom of the cord that unites the bride and groom. At that rehearsal dinner, we met a gay man who commented that he was getting the first sleep in 3 months from taking care of his newborn twins. My heart stopped, but I had to know if they were boy/girl twins like you, so I asked him their names. Lillian and Lucien. This man seemed a bit pretentious at first, but we later told him our family's story. He shared our sorrow and was sweetly encouraging of our hopes to have living children someday. The other wedding was one of my former colleagues. Watching the groom, it was so beautiful to see the complete and utter love he felt toward my friend the bride. Both were good parties with great music and delicious food.
Your canine sister Abby has been acting a bit strange lately. I asked Daddy if he thought it was because you might be visiting us. He said anything is possible. Abby will be lying on the ground and suddenly start sniffing the air, as if there is a disturbance to the pressure in the room, or a new scent. She's done this a few times in the last couple weeks. Then, tonight, I had another experience which made me wonder if you were visiting. Daddy is in Montana this week, so I had to make my own delicious lemon water (nothing special, just ice water with lots of fresh squeezed lemon juice, but I made up that silly name one night, saying that Daddy makes the most delicious lemon water, and the name just stuck). I had just closed the vertical blinds on the sliding glass door. I got the ice from the freezer and when I stood up, about the 4th blind from the left was twisted back behind the other blinds. Abby sometimes weaves herself between the blinds, but tonight, she was lying on the carpet by the front hallway, and nowhere near the slider. I went over and straightened the blinds. I went back to the refrigerator and took out a bottle of water. When I closed the door and turned to the counter, the blinds were crooked again, but in a different way. It's as if y'all were playing in the blinds, but there was no sound, like when Abby rattles them. Nothing like that has ever happened.
This month, on Facebook, I've been participating in Capture Your Grief. It is something created by a grieving mom in Australia to commemorate October as Infant and Child Death Awareness Month. Each day throughout the month, she gave a general theme, and grieving parents are free to post as they see fit to talk about their children. It's seemingly at least semi-private in that non-participants don't seem to be able to view the posts, but of course, with it being on the Internet, nothing is ever really truly private.
Today's theme was Their Names/Their Photos. While we both treasure the few photos we have of each of you, your Daddy is even more fiercely protective of them than I am. To respect his wishes to honor your privacy, I agreed I would not post any close-ups of your photos or your actual photos. Another day I posted the altar at your memorial service, and your pictures may be somewhat visible in the collages Auntie Kelli made for us, which is a future post, but I will have to come up with an acceptable photo that doesn't violate Daddy's wishes. Below is my post for today.
Going along with the title of this post, I am struck by the similarities in the meaning of your names, which is something I don't think I ever realized until today. From the Town in the Hollow and From the Valley Town. We live in the Valley of the Sun. Since I was young, one of my favorite Bible passages has been the 23rd Psalm. Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me. The significance of your names having almost identical meanings strikes me. And then, one of my MISS friends commented that her son's name means "from the western town", and that the 3 of you are covering all geographical bases.
I hope you feel that I'm honoring you both with my Capture Your Grief postings. It is traumatic to read all the grieving parents' stories, and I think of all the precious angels you're playing with in heaven who became angel babies at the end of last year or this year. This may sound really off kilter, but I imagine you as having a core group of friends up there. I think that's why I've made such a connection with their moms, as it was all of your hands drawing us together and making sure we wouldn't have to wallow in our grief alone. All but one was born at 24 or 25 weeks, and all born in December or January, except one who was born a few months later.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Wednesday October 3, 2012
Hello my darling babies,
Today is a Wednesday, now forever the day of the week most special to me as Wednesday is the day you were born, actually exactly 39 weeks ago tonight. How ironic, 39 weeks, an acceptable length for a "normal" pregnancy. Had I made it to that mark with you, we probably wouldn't even be doing this blog. I just realized today also marks the 23rd anniversary of your great-grandmother Mary's passing (Nana to me). I was a freshman at Baylor, friends with, but not yet roommates with my closest and oldest friend, your Auntie Kelli. When you're an only child, you have to make your family, and therefore, I refer to many of my friends as your Aunties. Anyway, Nana had been sick for a while, and for some reason, your grandma Nancy decided it would be better if they called Kelli first when Nana finally died. Kelli and I had plans to go out that night, although now I couldn't say if it was for dinner or simply to run errands. Kelli came to my room in her bathrobe, and I remember thinking, now, why isn't she ready?! (yes, my legendary impatience rearing its ugly head again). Nana died, my parents called Kelli and she did as they instructed, coming to my room so I wouldn't be alone when they called to tell me about Nana. I don't necessarily agree with that decision, I think it would have been more prudent had they talked with me about Nana being in the hospital when they had visited 10 days earlier for Parents' Weekend. Their decision to not allow me to fly home for Nana's funeral was one with which I definitely don't agree. But, that is not your issue.
I am participating in this 31 day project called Capture Your Grief, started by a grieving Australian mom. As October is National Infant and Child Death Awareness Month, this mom put together 31 different topics on which we can post about, 1 for each day. So far, I have posted a sunrise (well, a picture of the sea & sky from our Alaska cruise in 2010); the picture of me taken on Christmas Eve 2011 when y'all were still with us and we were blissfully ignorant (before loss) and the picture of Daddy and me taken at the Tambo del Inka on our recent Peru trip (after loss). Planner that I am, I've already been thinking about the things I want to say or post for each of the remaining days.
Today, I spent most of the day helping the folks at the MISS Foundation set up for their biannual conference. Your Daddy and I are not going, as Daddy's friend is getting married in Santa Barbara this weekend, and Daddy is in the wedding. I was OK with that at first, but now that I was around the conference set up, I find myself really wishing the wedding wasn't the same weekend as the conference, as I think we both would have benefitted from attending the conference. The conference is held at the Fiesta Inn in Tempe. As I was driving there from the MISS offices, our Tahoe filled with the silent auction baskets, I was thinking there's a bit of irony in the location of the conference. When I was first hired by Deutsche back in 1998, they put me up at the Fiesta, as it was within walking distance of the office. My job at Deutsche is what led me to your Daddy, as he worked there too. We met later that year at a meeting in Las Vegas. As I continued with my Deutsche career and moved out here to be a field manager, I went to the Fiesta for many meetings, and picked up countless field reps there.
I also was thinking about the picture we bought when we were on our Maui trip in 2004. It was by Noelito, featuring the Na Pali coast on Kauai, which we visited on our honeymoon. For some reason, it came to me to today that the painting has twins in the name, for the 2 palm trees at the edge of the painting. That trip strikes me as we were there in November 2004, which is the same time your canine sister was being born. When we adopted Abby, the folks at the humane society asked if we wanted to know her birthday, we said yes. From her microchip, they were able to tell us she was born November 13, 2004. All of these things seem to be so intertwined in our lives. Just like the day you were supposed to be born is your Auntie Leah's birthday, and the day you actually were born is the day after your Aunt Adrienne's birthday.
Another thing that struck me today and almost made me crumble was thinking about something your Auntie Chris said to me last year while I was pregnant with you. She said "It sure is a good thing you got this Tahoe, with the 2 big dogs and now the twins on the way." Now, all we have is the 2 big dogs. The truck will never carry your 2 car seats. I was thinking all this as we were loading the auction gift baskets.
My babies, I am missing you tonight. Love from your momma.
Hello my darling babies,
Today is a Wednesday, now forever the day of the week most special to me as Wednesday is the day you were born, actually exactly 39 weeks ago tonight. How ironic, 39 weeks, an acceptable length for a "normal" pregnancy. Had I made it to that mark with you, we probably wouldn't even be doing this blog. I just realized today also marks the 23rd anniversary of your great-grandmother Mary's passing (Nana to me). I was a freshman at Baylor, friends with, but not yet roommates with my closest and oldest friend, your Auntie Kelli. When you're an only child, you have to make your family, and therefore, I refer to many of my friends as your Aunties. Anyway, Nana had been sick for a while, and for some reason, your grandma Nancy decided it would be better if they called Kelli first when Nana finally died. Kelli and I had plans to go out that night, although now I couldn't say if it was for dinner or simply to run errands. Kelli came to my room in her bathrobe, and I remember thinking, now, why isn't she ready?! (yes, my legendary impatience rearing its ugly head again). Nana died, my parents called Kelli and she did as they instructed, coming to my room so I wouldn't be alone when they called to tell me about Nana. I don't necessarily agree with that decision, I think it would have been more prudent had they talked with me about Nana being in the hospital when they had visited 10 days earlier for Parents' Weekend. Their decision to not allow me to fly home for Nana's funeral was one with which I definitely don't agree. But, that is not your issue.
I am participating in this 31 day project called Capture Your Grief, started by a grieving Australian mom. As October is National Infant and Child Death Awareness Month, this mom put together 31 different topics on which we can post about, 1 for each day. So far, I have posted a sunrise (well, a picture of the sea & sky from our Alaska cruise in 2010); the picture of me taken on Christmas Eve 2011 when y'all were still with us and we were blissfully ignorant (before loss) and the picture of Daddy and me taken at the Tambo del Inka on our recent Peru trip (after loss). Planner that I am, I've already been thinking about the things I want to say or post for each of the remaining days.
Today, I spent most of the day helping the folks at the MISS Foundation set up for their biannual conference. Your Daddy and I are not going, as Daddy's friend is getting married in Santa Barbara this weekend, and Daddy is in the wedding. I was OK with that at first, but now that I was around the conference set up, I find myself really wishing the wedding wasn't the same weekend as the conference, as I think we both would have benefitted from attending the conference. The conference is held at the Fiesta Inn in Tempe. As I was driving there from the MISS offices, our Tahoe filled with the silent auction baskets, I was thinking there's a bit of irony in the location of the conference. When I was first hired by Deutsche back in 1998, they put me up at the Fiesta, as it was within walking distance of the office. My job at Deutsche is what led me to your Daddy, as he worked there too. We met later that year at a meeting in Las Vegas. As I continued with my Deutsche career and moved out here to be a field manager, I went to the Fiesta for many meetings, and picked up countless field reps there.
I also was thinking about the picture we bought when we were on our Maui trip in 2004. It was by Noelito, featuring the Na Pali coast on Kauai, which we visited on our honeymoon. For some reason, it came to me to today that the painting has twins in the name, for the 2 palm trees at the edge of the painting. That trip strikes me as we were there in November 2004, which is the same time your canine sister was being born. When we adopted Abby, the folks at the humane society asked if we wanted to know her birthday, we said yes. From her microchip, they were able to tell us she was born November 13, 2004. All of these things seem to be so intertwined in our lives. Just like the day you were supposed to be born is your Auntie Leah's birthday, and the day you actually were born is the day after your Aunt Adrienne's birthday.
Another thing that struck me today and almost made me crumble was thinking about something your Auntie Chris said to me last year while I was pregnant with you. She said "It sure is a good thing you got this Tahoe, with the 2 big dogs and now the twins on the way." Now, all we have is the 2 big dogs. The truck will never carry your 2 car seats. I was thinking all this as we were loading the auction gift baskets.
My babies, I am missing you tonight. Love from your momma.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Due Date Should Have Been 5 Months Ago
Tuesday September 25, 2012
Shelby and Dalton,
Five months ago today was my estimated due date with you. It also marks the 4 year EDD of my MISS friend A and her twin boys S & G. Counting from your actual birthday, you would be almost 9 months old. I find that hard to believe. I remember your cousin Emily was just a bit older than that last December. We were at Cantina Laredo and somehow she wound up with an order of flan. She devoured it, taking after your Daddy, her uncle, with his love of all things custardlike. Frequently, I wonder what you would be doing at this age. What would be some of your favorite foods? Judging from the food choices you didn't rebel against during our Vegas trip, charcuterie, lobster pot pie, papparadelle with venison ragu, paella and Spanish tapas. As I mentioned in a previous post, it would all depend on the effects of your extreme prematurity.
Time is escaping so quickly. Your father and I are both dreading the holidays. If we could, we would like to disappear from about Daddy's birthday in mid-November until mid-January. Ideally, we'd go somewhere tropical, but I couldn't be without Abby and Ike that long, so we'd probably settle for a driving trip along the Pacific Coast and bring them with us. Unfortunately, that is not possible. There are of course the obvious financial restraints and then also the familial obligations, as we can't simply abandon everyone and pretend the holidays don't exist, as much as we'd like to. I remember last year, I was pregnant with you when Daddy and I were putting up the Christmas tree and decorating it with all the childhood ornaments and all the ones I added to my collection over the past ten years. It always was an activity that made me sweetly melancholy, thinking of your great grandparents and Aunt Jayne, as they gave me many of those ornaments. I told your Daddy I'd have to buy Baby's First Christmas ornaments for you next year. Looking back, I wonder if the stretching and bending had any impact on my body being unable to support you? I even bought an ornament in Peru. I feel guilty for not buying two. Maybe that will be my ornament and I will get you your own special ornaments. And then there's the issue of stockings. Of course, I will want to buy them. People may think it's weird, but I'm still your Momma, even if you're not here with us.
At the MISS meeting last week, I repeated the story of my breakdown at the Cardinals season opener, complete with my reference to RG III and Baylor. A lady sitting 2 people away from me said she went to Baylor too, so we'd have to talk after the meeting. Maybe you've already met S's son, W. He was born in this summer, at 24 weeks 1 day, and lived 3 weeks. It was very strange, it was like the 24 week club. Besides S, there was a couple who lost triplets at 24 weeks. Then also our friends: J, who lost twins A & J at 24 weeks; S who lost A at 24 weeks. I talked with the new S after the meeting, we have some things in common. We "friended" each other on Facebook, and I've been reading her blog. She started her blog while W was still in NICU, and poured so much detail in to her writings, it brought many memories bursting through the floodgates of our family's time in the NICU. There were many similarities to their experience, but some differences. When W died, they spent all day in NICU with him. However, when you died Dalton, we were with you for a couple hours, and your grandparents said goodbye too, but then we had this overwhelming urge to flee from the building as quickly as they would discharge me. We returned later in the day to be with Shelby. A few days later when Shelby died, it was such a different experience than when Dalton died. Shelby, it seemed you were immediately gone from us as soon as they stopped working on you. Everything about your death was so different than Dalton's death. It was almost as if a dark cloud of anger, anguish, rage and betrayal enveloped us after Shelby's death. Maybe it was because we truly had no hope left after that moment. Daddy didn't let Grandma Kay & Grandpa Larry come back to the hospital. They'd been there with Daddy an hour before your death, but Daddy didn't want them coming back. The only reason Grandpa Joe & Grandma Nancy got to say goodbye to you was because they had brought me back to the hospital after evening shift change.
My babies, I think about all the things we would have been doing together over the past few months. You would have gone walking with the dogs and me this morning. We probably would not be getting ready to go to Daddy's former colleague's wedding next weekend, as I wouldn't have wanted to leave you. Maybe we would have brought you with us, although with it being an adults only reception, that would have presented some challenges. I wouldn't have trusted any old babysitter the hotel provided. We probably either would have skipped the wedding or been forced to bring one or the other set of your grandparents along, to watch you during the rehearsal dinner and wedding. Your daddy had so many trips planned with you. Again, not to seem trivial or shallow by talking about seemingly frivolous things such as football, travel and food, but those are all things about which Daddy and I are passionate and we would give anything to have been able share those passions with you for more than the 6 months you were physically present in our lives.
Signing off for today my loves,
Momma
Shelby and Dalton,
Five months ago today was my estimated due date with you. It also marks the 4 year EDD of my MISS friend A and her twin boys S & G. Counting from your actual birthday, you would be almost 9 months old. I find that hard to believe. I remember your cousin Emily was just a bit older than that last December. We were at Cantina Laredo and somehow she wound up with an order of flan. She devoured it, taking after your Daddy, her uncle, with his love of all things custardlike. Frequently, I wonder what you would be doing at this age. What would be some of your favorite foods? Judging from the food choices you didn't rebel against during our Vegas trip, charcuterie, lobster pot pie, papparadelle with venison ragu, paella and Spanish tapas. As I mentioned in a previous post, it would all depend on the effects of your extreme prematurity.
Time is escaping so quickly. Your father and I are both dreading the holidays. If we could, we would like to disappear from about Daddy's birthday in mid-November until mid-January. Ideally, we'd go somewhere tropical, but I couldn't be without Abby and Ike that long, so we'd probably settle for a driving trip along the Pacific Coast and bring them with us. Unfortunately, that is not possible. There are of course the obvious financial restraints and then also the familial obligations, as we can't simply abandon everyone and pretend the holidays don't exist, as much as we'd like to. I remember last year, I was pregnant with you when Daddy and I were putting up the Christmas tree and decorating it with all the childhood ornaments and all the ones I added to my collection over the past ten years. It always was an activity that made me sweetly melancholy, thinking of your great grandparents and Aunt Jayne, as they gave me many of those ornaments. I told your Daddy I'd have to buy Baby's First Christmas ornaments for you next year. Looking back, I wonder if the stretching and bending had any impact on my body being unable to support you? I even bought an ornament in Peru. I feel guilty for not buying two. Maybe that will be my ornament and I will get you your own special ornaments. And then there's the issue of stockings. Of course, I will want to buy them. People may think it's weird, but I'm still your Momma, even if you're not here with us.
At the MISS meeting last week, I repeated the story of my breakdown at the Cardinals season opener, complete with my reference to RG III and Baylor. A lady sitting 2 people away from me said she went to Baylor too, so we'd have to talk after the meeting. Maybe you've already met S's son, W. He was born in this summer, at 24 weeks 1 day, and lived 3 weeks. It was very strange, it was like the 24 week club. Besides S, there was a couple who lost triplets at 24 weeks. Then also our friends: J, who lost twins A & J at 24 weeks; S who lost A at 24 weeks. I talked with the new S after the meeting, we have some things in common. We "friended" each other on Facebook, and I've been reading her blog. She started her blog while W was still in NICU, and poured so much detail in to her writings, it brought many memories bursting through the floodgates of our family's time in the NICU. There were many similarities to their experience, but some differences. When W died, they spent all day in NICU with him. However, when you died Dalton, we were with you for a couple hours, and your grandparents said goodbye too, but then we had this overwhelming urge to flee from the building as quickly as they would discharge me. We returned later in the day to be with Shelby. A few days later when Shelby died, it was such a different experience than when Dalton died. Shelby, it seemed you were immediately gone from us as soon as they stopped working on you. Everything about your death was so different than Dalton's death. It was almost as if a dark cloud of anger, anguish, rage and betrayal enveloped us after Shelby's death. Maybe it was because we truly had no hope left after that moment. Daddy didn't let Grandma Kay & Grandpa Larry come back to the hospital. They'd been there with Daddy an hour before your death, but Daddy didn't want them coming back. The only reason Grandpa Joe & Grandma Nancy got to say goodbye to you was because they had brought me back to the hospital after evening shift change.
My babies, I think about all the things we would have been doing together over the past few months. You would have gone walking with the dogs and me this morning. We probably would not be getting ready to go to Daddy's former colleague's wedding next weekend, as I wouldn't have wanted to leave you. Maybe we would have brought you with us, although with it being an adults only reception, that would have presented some challenges. I wouldn't have trusted any old babysitter the hotel provided. We probably either would have skipped the wedding or been forced to bring one or the other set of your grandparents along, to watch you during the rehearsal dinner and wedding. Your daddy had so many trips planned with you. Again, not to seem trivial or shallow by talking about seemingly frivolous things such as football, travel and food, but those are all things about which Daddy and I are passionate and we would give anything to have been able share those passions with you for more than the 6 months you were physically present in our lives.
Signing off for today my loves,
Momma
Monday, September 24, 2012
Visiting Machu Picchu
Originally written Monday September 10, 2012
We're
back from Peru. Did you see the signs I made for you? Your
Daddy and I took photos with them at Machu Picchu and Tambo del Inka
and on the beach at the Doubletree in Paracas. I hope you liked them. I
made one for your friend Chloe too. Her momma Nikki is having an
especially hard time right now. I want to send her the
pictures of Chloe's sign and the shells we found on the beach, but I'm
afraid it might make her feel even more overwhelmed with grief than she
already is. As you probably saw, on the first morning we walked on the
beach, we were repulsed by all the gross jellyfish washed up on shore.
I'd never seen jellyfish up close. I had no idea they came in so many
colors, patterns and sizes. But, we also found two beautiful perfect
scallop shells. I couldn't believe it, two, just perfect, one for each
of you. Saturday night, when we were walking over to the adjacent hotel
for dinner, I found another scallop shell. I wanted to pick it up for
Chloe. Daddy said to wait and get it on the way back to our hotel after
dinner. But, after taking a few steps away from the shell, I went
back, picked it up, washed it off and put it in my jacket pocket. I'm
so glad I did, because the rest of our time there, I never saw another
perfectly intact scallop shell. Now, Chloe can have one too. While we
were on the terrace of our hotel room at Tambo del Inka, your Daddy told
me he'd been watching one of the trees waving in the breeze. That tree
split in two from the main trunk and both branches were waving in
the wind. He told me he decided it was the Shelby and Dalton tree.
Momma wanted to take your pictures out and sit with them while we were
in the cathedral in Lima, but I was afraid I'd start crying and not be
able to stop. You were with us every step of the way on that trip yet
the most ironic thing is that we wouldn't have even taken that trip if
you'd survived.
Yesterday,
we went to the Cardinals season opener
with Grandpa Larry and Uncle Bill. Grandpa Joe and Grandma
Nancy work the games, so they were there too. It may seem incredibly trivial to write about football, but football has been part of my life since shortly after I was born. The story is on Sundays, I used to sit with your Grandpa Joe and Great-Grandpa Stanley and just take in everything about football. Supposedly, I even uttered some version of a then-famous quarterback's name before I said Momma. After I moved to Arizona, your Daddy told me how happy he was that I liked football so much, as he would finally have someone to go to Cardinals games with him.
So, it's the 2012 season, what should have been your first year to "watch football". I was fine at first,
even as we walked through the fan shop and I saw all the infant and
children items available. We got to our seats and I was still fine. I was being
my usual obnoxious self, going off on tangents to your Daddy about many different things: how
well Robert Griffin III was doing in his professional debut, how
much I dislike the Seahawks and their coach, and how I was going
to yell loudly for my favorite players, depending on if they announced offense or defense (for Larry Fitzgerald and Lyle Sendlein (UT), or Adrian Wilson, Darnell Dockett and Sam Acho
(UT) ). Well, the defense was announced,
and I started yelling and doing the Hook Em Horns sign for Sam Acho, but
the yell was quickly replaced by choking sobs. I put on my sunglasses
and tried to pull myself together, but the tears lasted through the
national
anthem. I kept wishing Nikki was in the open seat next to me. I don't
know what came over me, but watching the player intros just broke my
heart. I guess it made me think about how y'all should have been there
with us, going to your first NFL game. I guess I was also thinking
about all the dreams I had of Dalton being a long snapper. It just
killed me. Then, there were pregnant women with big huge bellies all
around, as well as several infants. On the Jumbotron, they showed one
dad with his baby, I couldn't tell if it was a boy or girl, but it
looked like my baby pictures with all that dark hair and the dad had put
noise cancelling earphones on the baby's head to protect his or her
hearing. There was another mother carrying a blond girl up and down the
stairs in our section. I felt like the child was just staring at me
each time they passed. And then of course, there were twins on the
offensive
lines for each team. They were kinda dorky looking, each 6'7" and over
300 pounds. Not that y'all would have been dorky looking or that big,
it's just the fact that there were TWINS playing in the game. Daddy and
I took that as a sign y'all were saying hi. And of course, Monday
Night Football tonight featured the Cincinnati Bengals with their QB,
Andy Dalton. Daddy asked me if I was watching the game and hearing your
name. Of course I was.
I
took Uncle Billy and Daddy to the airport this
morning, uncle so he could go back home to Colorado Springs and Daddy
off to business in Texas. So it's just me and your dog siblings. Abby
seems to be recovering from her ear hematoma. She's such a good dog,
she'd have been so protective of you as your canine big sister. Ike
made an ass of himself on Saturday night when we had everyone over for
lasagna. He was crazy in the pool, nipping at Abby and trying to mount
her. Then, later on, he was barking loudly in your cousin Emily's
face. I did not like that behavior. I don't know what is wrong with
him, but we'll monitor him closely in the future. I don't know if he
was bothered by all the inconsistencies over the past two weeks with us
gone, then back, then everyone over. I think Daddy may have to really
re-establish himself as the strong pack leader.
That's all for now my darlings, as I had originally started writing that 2 weeks ago tonight, and I'm afraid I forgot what else I wanted to write about then.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Looking Back
My dearest Shelby and Dalton,
32 weeks ago tomorrow you were born. It's impossible, some days it seems completely surreal, like we should wake up from the worst nightmare of our lives and yet others it seems like a lifetime ago that you were here with us. A year ago, I was newly pregnant, although we hadn't yet officially gotten confirmation.
Your Daddy and I have been so low lately. Perhaps because it's approaching the year mark of when we first found out we were having twins. Maybe it's because it's so hard going on with our incredibly empty lives, marking the days until we can try again, yet knowing there will always be holes in our hearts no matter how many children we may be gifted with. I'm still feeling some effects from the c-section. We're both stuck in this time warp, feeling helpless. At least Daddy has his job and related travel. Every week is a new experience, as he's in a different city or working with a different client. I sit at home, finding myself wallowing.
This week, I try to be more productive, running errands, organizing paperwork and prepping for our trip to Peru. I tended both the front and back yards, and did a bit of housework. I went to bingo with another MISS mommy and both of our moms. It was an OK way to pass a few hours, but she and I both felt our minds wandering. She too lost twins in November 2010, then a third daughter this past June. She just found out they think the latest loss may have been related to an inflamed cervix. This was a new term to me, and of course, my mind started playing the "what if" game again. What if my cervix was inflamed? Did that contribute to it being "incompetent"? (God I hate that term, I was never incompetent at anything in my life, until now, until the most important thing at which I should NOT have been incompetent, carrying y'all through a full-term pregnancy). What if they did a cerclage? What if we would have paid more attention to the warning signs of preterm labor? What if things wouldn't have deteriorated so quickly from the 12th of December to the 25th of December? What if I demanded better answers from my doctor when I told him about my early-stage urine leakage issues? Was that a sign I would suffer preterm labor?
Then, I thought of all the various "milestones" in the brief time I was pregnant. What was always a strength for me with being good with numbers and dates is now a curse, as so many dates are painful reminders of things I would have done differently or things I never got to experience. The 11th of October, which marked the end of my 1st trimester, yet it was also the day they announced the year-end closing of our office. I remember simultaneously being terrified, pissed, sad and uncertain. I thought it was particularly shitty of them to rain on my parade. I had so many plans to tell Marcus and our other friends that day. Instead, it felt like a piece of my world was shattering. Chris and I just hugged and cried.
We carefully planned the way we would tell your grandparents. We would have told all of them at the same time, but logistically with one set in Pinetop and the other in Texas, the best we could do was a 6 day lag. We told Daddy's parents October 29. Grandma Kay cried and was so excited, and Grandpa Larry exclaimed "Hallelujah" when we stressed that it was going to be twins. Then, we told my parents November 4 by presenting them with Baylor Grandparents T-shirts. Grandpa Joe seemed in shock, but what really shocked us was Grandma Nancy's reaction. Never one to fawn over babies or put any pressure on us for grandchildren, she seemed truly happy for us. She cried tears of genuine happiness.
From the instant Daddy's parents found out, Grandma Kay wanted to buy just about every baby supply out there. She announced they wanted to buy the cribs. She wanted us to decorate the nursery. November flew by in a blur, with Grandma Nancy and Grandpa Joe's visit and then our trip to Las Vegas for my birthday. It was funny because y'all had routinely made me sick each afternoon. During our time in Vegas, when we enjoyed some very lovely meals at Nob Hill Tavern, Sirio and Jose Andres' Jaleo, y'all must have really been content with the good (and expensive) gourmet food, because you didn't give me nausea once during our time there. Then, upon our return, we shared a small pizza from our neighborhood place and within 30 minutes, I was standing over the kitchen sink, purging it all! I joked with Daddy that y'all were going to cost us plenty.
Then December rolled around. Chris insisted she throw us a baby shower at work, even though I told her I didn't want one. Your Grandma Nancy always carried on about how she never had a shower with me and she was superstitious about them being bad luck. However, Chris said I had to have one before the office closed, so my shower was planned for December 6. Everyone was so generous to me and Chris did a lovely job on the decorations. I saved the "diaper layer cake" Alicia made to show our parents at Christmas, and I planned to use the diapers on you. We received over 400 diapers, and $400 in cash and gift cards, plus various gifts.
Sometime during that week of December 6, I had a horrible dream that was so shockingly real when I awoke, I was afraid to get out of bed. I reached for the phone and called Daddy, as it absolutely terrorized me. In the dream, I woke up in a pool of blood. As I gathered my senses and realized it was a dream, I was so afraid if I stood up from the bed, I would find it was actually true and that we had lost you. Your Daddy talked me "down off the ledge", rationalizing it was probably just hormonal, asking if it felt like the sheets were wet. When I told him no, he then said he would stay on the phone with me while I went to bathroom and made sure there was no blood. Luckily, there wasn't, not even a tiny pin-size droplet. I felt immense relief. On our drive to work that morning, I relayed the dream to Chris. She didn't say much, but she was insistent I tell my OB. I told her it was probably just nothing, yet she was adamant. So at my appointment on the 9th, I mentioned it. He said it was probably nothing and that I shouldn't worry about it. Later on, after you died, Chris reminded me of that dream and said that when she first heard about it, her blood ran cold, for a cousin of hers had a similar dream, and then her baby died. That's why Chris had been so insistent I tell the doctor about it, so they could check me thoroughly and make sure everything was OK.
On the evening of the 9th, we went to dinner with your Uncle Ryan, Aunt Violet, cousin Emily, Grandma Kay and Grandpa Larry. After dinner, Uncle, Auntie and cousin went home while your grandparents, Daddy and I went to browse at Babies R Us. Your Daddy was amazed at all of the various gear and paraphernalia we would need. We picked a few cribs that we liked, trying to be mindful and not select the priciest model. Grandma was ready to buy everything that night, but we asked her to bear with us, and probably after the new year, we could make a final decision. We naively thought that when my office closed, we would have all of January, February, March and at least a bit of April to relaxingly plan and shop and decorate.
Then, on Monday December 12th, we had our second ultrasound. The first was when we confirmed you were twins. They asked us if we wanted to know your sex, but we wanted to be surprised. Everything went smoothly, the tech took 99 pictures (more than double what she took of other mothers whose profiles appeared on the screen). I cried, of course. I remember thinking I had never seen such perfection. The profile pics of your heads were completely flawless, perfectly round. Your Grandma Kay said one of you looked just like Daddy, which cracked us all up, for the photos were just outlines of your skulls and necks. The tech told us everything looked good, explaining the many things they looked at and that you were in normal ranges with no sign of Down Syndrome. We then met with the doctor, who spent a good bit of time with us, including a review of the dangers of pre-term labor. I don't remember all of them, but I do know high blood pressure was one, and if the differential between your estimated weights became greater than 20% was another, but on that day, it was lower than 20% (I'm so mad at myself for not remembering exactly. Perhaps your Daddy remembers) and throughout the entire pregnancy, my blood pressure never spiked.
On Christmas Eve, while gathered for our Southern Italian heritage tradition of the Festa dei Sette Pesci, Grandma Kay again started pressuring us to get the nursery decorated. I don't know why she was in such a hurry, considering we thought we would have at least another 15 weeks until you made your arrival, and with me not working, much time to devote to preparing everything for you. As you know, Grandma Kay can be rather persistent and one-dimensional in her focus. I very politely told her to back off, I would appreciate it if she would just let me get through the sad time of our office closing before I shifted my focus to decorating the nursery.
Looking back, it chills me to review the various things I detailed above. Were they all signs that you wouldn't be with us? The nightmare about waking up in blood, the reluctance to have a baby shower, the stalling on the decorating of your nursery, the lecture from the maternal-fetal medicine specialist about the risks of preterm labor. On Christmas Day, feeling terrible and telling your Daddy I didn't know how I was going to make it through another 15 weeks. I was cramping and having pains in my lower back, as well as being sick with a cold, cough, fever and sore throat. I just didn't realize the cramps were the start of the preterm labor.
So many things we missed out on only being pregnant with you for 24 weeks. We didn't get to take the hospital tour of the maternity ward, or participate in any birthing classes. We were robbed of so much, the full pregnancy, a natural childbirth and delivery (well OK, at least not a caesarian), seeing your eyes open, feeding you, really holding you without the encumbrances of all the wires and tubes, dressing you in carefully selected outfits for coming home, introducing you to your canine siblings Abby and Ike (although they already knew you, especially Ike, who used to stand in front of my pregnant belly as if he was trying to "talk" to you)
My babies, I have carried on for quite a bit. I guess I had a lot to say tonight. I'm going to say goodnight for now and pray you'll visit me in happy dreams. I love you both with all my heart.
32 weeks ago tomorrow you were born. It's impossible, some days it seems completely surreal, like we should wake up from the worst nightmare of our lives and yet others it seems like a lifetime ago that you were here with us. A year ago, I was newly pregnant, although we hadn't yet officially gotten confirmation.
Your Daddy and I have been so low lately. Perhaps because it's approaching the year mark of when we first found out we were having twins. Maybe it's because it's so hard going on with our incredibly empty lives, marking the days until we can try again, yet knowing there will always be holes in our hearts no matter how many children we may be gifted with. I'm still feeling some effects from the c-section. We're both stuck in this time warp, feeling helpless. At least Daddy has his job and related travel. Every week is a new experience, as he's in a different city or working with a different client. I sit at home, finding myself wallowing.
This week, I try to be more productive, running errands, organizing paperwork and prepping for our trip to Peru. I tended both the front and back yards, and did a bit of housework. I went to bingo with another MISS mommy and both of our moms. It was an OK way to pass a few hours, but she and I both felt our minds wandering. She too lost twins in November 2010, then a third daughter this past June. She just found out they think the latest loss may have been related to an inflamed cervix. This was a new term to me, and of course, my mind started playing the "what if" game again. What if my cervix was inflamed? Did that contribute to it being "incompetent"? (God I hate that term, I was never incompetent at anything in my life, until now, until the most important thing at which I should NOT have been incompetent, carrying y'all through a full-term pregnancy). What if they did a cerclage? What if we would have paid more attention to the warning signs of preterm labor? What if things wouldn't have deteriorated so quickly from the 12th of December to the 25th of December? What if I demanded better answers from my doctor when I told him about my early-stage urine leakage issues? Was that a sign I would suffer preterm labor?
Then, I thought of all the various "milestones" in the brief time I was pregnant. What was always a strength for me with being good with numbers and dates is now a curse, as so many dates are painful reminders of things I would have done differently or things I never got to experience. The 11th of October, which marked the end of my 1st trimester, yet it was also the day they announced the year-end closing of our office. I remember simultaneously being terrified, pissed, sad and uncertain. I thought it was particularly shitty of them to rain on my parade. I had so many plans to tell Marcus and our other friends that day. Instead, it felt like a piece of my world was shattering. Chris and I just hugged and cried.
We carefully planned the way we would tell your grandparents. We would have told all of them at the same time, but logistically with one set in Pinetop and the other in Texas, the best we could do was a 6 day lag. We told Daddy's parents October 29. Grandma Kay cried and was so excited, and Grandpa Larry exclaimed "Hallelujah" when we stressed that it was going to be twins. Then, we told my parents November 4 by presenting them with Baylor Grandparents T-shirts. Grandpa Joe seemed in shock, but what really shocked us was Grandma Nancy's reaction. Never one to fawn over babies or put any pressure on us for grandchildren, she seemed truly happy for us. She cried tears of genuine happiness.
From the instant Daddy's parents found out, Grandma Kay wanted to buy just about every baby supply out there. She announced they wanted to buy the cribs. She wanted us to decorate the nursery. November flew by in a blur, with Grandma Nancy and Grandpa Joe's visit and then our trip to Las Vegas for my birthday. It was funny because y'all had routinely made me sick each afternoon. During our time in Vegas, when we enjoyed some very lovely meals at Nob Hill Tavern, Sirio and Jose Andres' Jaleo, y'all must have really been content with the good (and expensive) gourmet food, because you didn't give me nausea once during our time there. Then, upon our return, we shared a small pizza from our neighborhood place and within 30 minutes, I was standing over the kitchen sink, purging it all! I joked with Daddy that y'all were going to cost us plenty.
Then December rolled around. Chris insisted she throw us a baby shower at work, even though I told her I didn't want one. Your Grandma Nancy always carried on about how she never had a shower with me and she was superstitious about them being bad luck. However, Chris said I had to have one before the office closed, so my shower was planned for December 6. Everyone was so generous to me and Chris did a lovely job on the decorations. I saved the "diaper layer cake" Alicia made to show our parents at Christmas, and I planned to use the diapers on you. We received over 400 diapers, and $400 in cash and gift cards, plus various gifts.
Sometime during that week of December 6, I had a horrible dream that was so shockingly real when I awoke, I was afraid to get out of bed. I reached for the phone and called Daddy, as it absolutely terrorized me. In the dream, I woke up in a pool of blood. As I gathered my senses and realized it was a dream, I was so afraid if I stood up from the bed, I would find it was actually true and that we had lost you. Your Daddy talked me "down off the ledge", rationalizing it was probably just hormonal, asking if it felt like the sheets were wet. When I told him no, he then said he would stay on the phone with me while I went to bathroom and made sure there was no blood. Luckily, there wasn't, not even a tiny pin-size droplet. I felt immense relief. On our drive to work that morning, I relayed the dream to Chris. She didn't say much, but she was insistent I tell my OB. I told her it was probably just nothing, yet she was adamant. So at my appointment on the 9th, I mentioned it. He said it was probably nothing and that I shouldn't worry about it. Later on, after you died, Chris reminded me of that dream and said that when she first heard about it, her blood ran cold, for a cousin of hers had a similar dream, and then her baby died. That's why Chris had been so insistent I tell the doctor about it, so they could check me thoroughly and make sure everything was OK.
On the evening of the 9th, we went to dinner with your Uncle Ryan, Aunt Violet, cousin Emily, Grandma Kay and Grandpa Larry. After dinner, Uncle, Auntie and cousin went home while your grandparents, Daddy and I went to browse at Babies R Us. Your Daddy was amazed at all of the various gear and paraphernalia we would need. We picked a few cribs that we liked, trying to be mindful and not select the priciest model. Grandma was ready to buy everything that night, but we asked her to bear with us, and probably after the new year, we could make a final decision. We naively thought that when my office closed, we would have all of January, February, March and at least a bit of April to relaxingly plan and shop and decorate.
Then, on Monday December 12th, we had our second ultrasound. The first was when we confirmed you were twins. They asked us if we wanted to know your sex, but we wanted to be surprised. Everything went smoothly, the tech took 99 pictures (more than double what she took of other mothers whose profiles appeared on the screen). I cried, of course. I remember thinking I had never seen such perfection. The profile pics of your heads were completely flawless, perfectly round. Your Grandma Kay said one of you looked just like Daddy, which cracked us all up, for the photos were just outlines of your skulls and necks. The tech told us everything looked good, explaining the many things they looked at and that you were in normal ranges with no sign of Down Syndrome. We then met with the doctor, who spent a good bit of time with us, including a review of the dangers of pre-term labor. I don't remember all of them, but I do know high blood pressure was one, and if the differential between your estimated weights became greater than 20% was another, but on that day, it was lower than 20% (I'm so mad at myself for not remembering exactly. Perhaps your Daddy remembers) and throughout the entire pregnancy, my blood pressure never spiked.
On Christmas Eve, while gathered for our Southern Italian heritage tradition of the Festa dei Sette Pesci, Grandma Kay again started pressuring us to get the nursery decorated. I don't know why she was in such a hurry, considering we thought we would have at least another 15 weeks until you made your arrival, and with me not working, much time to devote to preparing everything for you. As you know, Grandma Kay can be rather persistent and one-dimensional in her focus. I very politely told her to back off, I would appreciate it if she would just let me get through the sad time of our office closing before I shifted my focus to decorating the nursery.
Looking back, it chills me to review the various things I detailed above. Were they all signs that you wouldn't be with us? The nightmare about waking up in blood, the reluctance to have a baby shower, the stalling on the decorating of your nursery, the lecture from the maternal-fetal medicine specialist about the risks of preterm labor. On Christmas Day, feeling terrible and telling your Daddy I didn't know how I was going to make it through another 15 weeks. I was cramping and having pains in my lower back, as well as being sick with a cold, cough, fever and sore throat. I just didn't realize the cramps were the start of the preterm labor.
So many things we missed out on only being pregnant with you for 24 weeks. We didn't get to take the hospital tour of the maternity ward, or participate in any birthing classes. We were robbed of so much, the full pregnancy, a natural childbirth and delivery (well OK, at least not a caesarian), seeing your eyes open, feeding you, really holding you without the encumbrances of all the wires and tubes, dressing you in carefully selected outfits for coming home, introducing you to your canine siblings Abby and Ike (although they already knew you, especially Ike, who used to stand in front of my pregnant belly as if he was trying to "talk" to you)
My babies, I have carried on for quite a bit. I guess I had a lot to say tonight. I'm going to say goodnight for now and pray you'll visit me in happy dreams. I love you both with all my heart.
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